Blind Idiot God

Looking Back, Looking Forward, and Looking Around

2012-01-12T02:35:00.002-05:00

It's funny how quick time can get away from you.
I keep meaning to keep this blog up and running, not abandoning it like so many have done to Facebook. But the fact is it's so much easier to post a quick two or three sentences on Facebook than it is to write a whole post. I mean, looking back at this blog I wonder what do I have left to talk about? I've covered my beliefs in life, love, and beyond. I've posted about my tastes in music, women, and food. I've been depressed, been ecstatic, and been just here.
But life just keep rolling along, and in it's wake so many things get left behind.
I'm married to my little Babushka (if you need a refresher on the nicknames I use there should be a link on the sideboard). I work for the University. I just live. Nothing fancy, nothing spectacular, just an everyday sort of life.
Despite many of my fears,, while many of my friends have moved away I've done a decent job of staying in touch with them, either over the phone or on the comp (There's that Facebook again.). My Bro and his crew are still in bOregon (although, Bro did get Married to the Hills, which I'm very happy about), My Lil Sis is in Old Folks Florida, Boston is still in Boston, BS is in Denver, J$ is in San Damn Diego, Ug in Maine. As for those still around here, I don't get much time to see them anymore. Night shift kills the social life. I haven't seen the K&B Toystore in a while (they both work, K is in school, and the kids are growing so fast), Bink is living with his girl and her kids, Midget and Giantess are doing good, Poet just had another Child, K-Bells has settled down for the most part, Heaven and I are back in touch over the phone, Do-Nut Girl is married to FractalKing, I don't hear from Sharebear anymore, but Ant is doing good down in the DC, Egoman is dating and seems happy, Columbia is in med school, Mr. B is dating and bought a house, yea, seems like everyone is just busy with thier own lives.
I've not heard from the Demon in almost 7 years now. I'm friends with her oldest sister on Facebook, and she says everythings good with her, and for that I'm happy.
Otherwise I just keep walking on with my head held high and facing forward as much as I can. I've kept in touch with some of my old bloggers (Beliver, TCU, Burfica, Alexk, Mooker, Joy, and several others who old blog names I can't remember right now).
As for family, my Moms Cancer is back and shes not been feeling too good. They have her on treatments, and they say that it seems to be working, but it leaves her weak and sick and tired. Pops is ok, but it wears you down to see the person you love go through this. All my siblings are good, as are thier rugrats. My Cuz's all seem happy, as do the respective Aunts, Uncles, Ect. Even my Wife's family is doing ok.
So many attachments eh? Yet in the end I barely see anyone on a weekly basis. Yet that is the price we pay to support ourselves. I sit at work, dea with the kids, listen to my Ipod, and occasionally get to go on my Comp.
Hoepfully I'll get a chance to slip on to Blog occasionally, and maybe I'll even have more interesting things to post than just common updates of a life. I hope I haven't forgotten to mention anyone, if so i appologize. and to any readers who still bother to stop by, feel free to leave some greetings and know I'm glad you're out there.
Peace for now.

Believing

2011-07-15T00:01:00.002-04:00

for Brightwell

And so you turned your back
....to the places and faces
..on the well worn paths
To loose yourself
....................to become lost and explore
and in doing so
....to discover new ways and new you's
You walked away from who you were
.....................and found yourself in who you weren't
As years past
...you flew high and sank deep
Searching for things
............that you felt you needed
But the more you looked the more you found
......temporary were the smiles
and happiness a dream
Gone with the morning
.....................................................................Till the day you woke
.....knowing not where you were
and who you were a stranger to your mind
Looking back in fear
........all you saw were roads
and roads
and roads
and roads
and roads
and roads
...A lifetime of paths less traveled and bridges burned
..Between you and the young Man
Who first stepped from known paths

So you searched,,,,, retraced
......seeking familiar among the unknown
And sometimes despair
...................... at lost forever and gone for good
Walked and walked
....footsore and desperate
running
........... stumbling
............................lurching
........................................searching

................................................................................Till at last
around a twist and bend
over a hill and hurdle
.........You saw you
................Standing and waiting
as you had been doing for so long
........Unsure
if you would ever
..........................See yourself again

And yet now I tell you
..........That although you were unaware
..There were those of us
...........Who watched and followed and cared
We BELIEVED in you strength and search
.............................................and knew in our hearts
That you knew the way home
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
.................................All Along............................................

Fading Around

2011-04-06T18:05:00.004-04:00

I was looking at my wedding album this afternoon, and it occurred to me how many of my close friends I don't see much these days. At one point in my life I used to joke that if I got married I'd have more friends than family at the wedding. By the time I got married there were decidedly less friends than I would have ever thought. Now only 1 1/2 later even those friends I barely see anymore. A few I get to keep in touch with thanks to Facebook, but many have just faded away from my life if not my heart.
Lil Sis moved to Florida... we talk by phone often but I miss seeing her.
Midget I still talk to and occasionally see
Poet I work with so I talk to him the most, although we rarely get together after work.
Bm & The Hottie I haven't seen in ages. The Hottie is on Facebook, but only occasionally. We have alternate schedules so we haven't been able to visit in so long
Kells Bells I've only talked to/seen 3 times since the wedding. She doesn't return my calls and to be honest I've started to slack off on calling now
Bro and I still talk once in a blue moon. Don't get me wrong, we're as close as ever, we just don't find much time to get to chat. He and all the ones in bOregon fall into this category.
BS I haven't heard from even on Facebook in ages.
Heaven occasionally says hi on facebook, but it's hit or miss with her.
Boston tries to get together with me whenever she visits CT, but that's only on some holidays.
J$ I can't seem to ever get a hold of.
Mr. Bri I've seen recently, but it still is long breaks between visits.
Roe-Roe has been through some turbulence and we haven't been able to make a visit work in quite a while.
Quad L hasn't been around very much since her marriage.
Ug I hear from very rarely on Facebook.
Ant is on facebook and we talk fairly often, but I haven't heard anything from her Mom Isis since almost a year before my wedding.
And I'm actually friends with the Demon's oldest sister on Facebook, MalloChelle. We only talk ever 2 months or so, but it's funny how I can be so close still with the family after all that's happened, but it's good to.
So I wonder why it is that life does it's best to rip friends apart. I tried so hard for so long to hold onto the folks I love, but I guess in the end with most of them I just wasn't strong enough.
Makes me sad.....

Updates and furture worries...

2011-03-26T09:34:00.003-04:00

So with only a month and a half left for the school year at work I'm looking forward to summer. The kids will still be in the building (Most of them don't bother going anywhere during rbeaks) but they'll mostly be there in the day/early evenings. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing them and talking to them, but I also like when the buildings empty by at least 2am. That way I can worry less about someone having proped open the doors or setting off alarms by accident.
I'm also waiting for our new Union to actually start doing something.. anything for that matter. We have 3 months left on our current contract, the one that was put in before the Union was voted in, and they haven't started even trying to negotiate a new one. I have a nasty feeling we may be going through another year without raises. Blah.

Thinga re gearing up for our trip this late summer to Germany for the wedding. My Babushka's Maid O Honor is getting married. We've got the tickets and have put in for our days off, so now we just have to try and save money up for the trip. I also have to talk to my Doc about possible pain pills for my back for the flight over. Would suck to fly to Germany and spend the time bed locked because my back went out from the plane seats. Sigh.. getting old sucks...

Time flies

2011-01-04T04:25:00.002-05:00

Geez.. since June eh? Guess Facebook has captured more of my attention than I'd like to admit. Of course, it's so much easier to come up with a two to three sentence post than a couple of paragraph blog. It's not that I don't have stuff I want to blog about, it's just a matter of finding the time and the words. It seems as if for the last few months I've had almost no time to just sit and think, there's always another thing coming up to cause me stress and use up what little brain power I have available.
But I'll try and make this a more frequent pit stop. It's not like I don't have some free time at work right now, it being winter break and all. The building is cleared out by midnight, one at the latest.
So I'll try and get back here again this week to post some of whats been going on in my life and in my head.
But no promises....

Hecklers

2010-06-22T03:32:00.002-04:00

So in my time here on blog I find I've attracted almost as many hecklers as I have followers. (Not that I have man y followers anymore, seems everyone has run off to Facebook land).
My hecklers seem to fall into 2 or 3 categories. Either the religious nuts who get upset by the name of my site without ever bothering to actually read my stuff, the nameless weirdo's who find complaining is their only form of communication with the rest of humanities, and the outright stupid folks.
The religious nuts are perhaps my favorite ones, I love pissing off bible thumpers who can't think for themselves. Most of the ones I have had on here have complained about the name of the site, Blind Idiot God, without ever actually realizing I'm not talking about their precious Jehovah or Allah or which ever deity they bow down before. The name of the site actually comes from a writer of horror fiction from the 1920's. Of course, most of the major deities come from fiction books also, but that's neither here nor there for me. It's not that I don't believe in a higher power, I just don't think organized religions have gotten it right yet, which is why they keep causing wars rape and other atrocities in the name of their respective gods.
The nameless weirdo's can be fun, but I have a tendency to just delete their stuff without reading it too far in once I realize it's just another heckler. From people who have made fun of pictures of my friends, to ones who sprout political crap, to even one who took exception to my complaining about the Government Census because it somehow would upset his parents from getting their welfare. Most of these folks are sad people who have nothing better to do than just surf the web looking for things to cry about once they're done looking through porn (not that I downplay the fun of porn searches, but afterwards find some other way of dealing with your afterglow).
Of course I sometimes keep the stupid people's stuff, some of it is just so damn funny. From horrible grammar to atrocious spelling (I can't spell, but I have learned of the joy of spell check, which most sites, including Blogger, offer for free).
In the end I just wonder about the folks who post their thoughts on here under the anonymous sign. Is it they don't have anything to say themselves and so must resort to faceless comments to others, or are they afraid of backlash and so cowardly hide themselves away from their comments?
Ah well, which ever maybe I just should be glad that anyone still stops by this small section of the blogland at all anymore.....

Warm fuzzy feeling

2010-05-27T03:53:00.007-04:00

So one of the students in my building had his laptop stolen during the graduation party they had Monday night. I've told the kids before to make sure their valuable stuff isn't left on display when there are unknown folks in the building, but it's like talking to a brick wall. Fortunately, and against all odds, one of my fellow officers actually found the laptop this morning in another section of the campus. Made me feel real good and appreciated to be able to give the kid back something he figured was gone for good. It's things like this that make me glad I work here....

Work

2010-04-14T02:30:00.002-04:00

So the kids in my building are having a contest to see who gets to make a new desk to replace my current one. The general feeling is my current desk doesn't fit the feel of an art building so they want to make one as a school project. I've said all I request is it be a decent level so I can still read at it (keeping in mind my height requirements so I can fit my legs under it) and have a drawer for me to put my stuff in. Other than those qualifications the kids are free to go wild. Should be interesting to see what they come up with, although a few are worried that there is only about a month left of this year and they may not get to work on it till nest year if they don't get approval soon from the administrations office. It's especially vexing for some of the senior class members who are getting ready to graduate but want to be included in a chance to make me a desk. I find I'm kind of touched that they all want to so this for me. Makes me feel like the extra work I've put into this post has been worth it.

Kick 'em when their down

2010-03-31T04:44:00.002-04:00

So it's been a series of crap all rolled up into a series of crap that smells just like a big series of crap...
Was sick all weekend. Then had to get a new tire for my Wife because her's blew out. Then hurt my back. Then her car got stuck in a flooded road on the way home and the engine got wet and is shot, we need to have an insurance person look and see if they want to fix it or total it. Just bought the freakin' thing this summer. Of course I had to push the thing out of the water, which ruined my work boots and hurt my back more. My poor Wife is having a mini breakdown, so I can't let her know I'm in pain. At least I got her smiling somewhat again. Also, since we have to go through the insurance it means our premiums will probably go up.. which we really can't afford. We have 2 weddings, a vacation to Canada, and a renewal of Vows all hitting this summer. Not sure how we're going to afford all this. My work is jerking me around when it comes to my desk at the building I work in. They want to replace it with something that matches the 'ambiance' of the building... meanwhile I have no where to sit or put my stuff. I'm so close to just snapping...

Anarchist

2010-03-23T05:11:00.003-04:00

So I've started receiving threatening mail from the government because I have dared not responding to their 2010 census forms they've sent me. They keep pressing the point that it is ILLEGAL to not respond to the census bureau. What a freakin joke... Like the biggest concern in the government right now is the fact that there might be people out there they don't have secret files on. They're are actually wasting time, paper, and MONEY on this crap. Can I think of a bigger waste of tax payer money? Well.. yes i can, but this definitely has to be in the top 50 or so.. lord knows the government has some really spectacular ways to waste money. But just the obnoxiousness of making this a law that folks must respond to this crap. What makes this even worse is that they can fine people for not replying.. up to $100. HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THIS?!?! Some one really needs to start auditing the government. Give the whole system a giant enema. And people ask me why I don't Vote? BECAUSE NONE OF THESE MORONS ARE WORTH VOTING FOR! Don't tell me if I don't vote I don't have a right to complain, my vote is worth too much to me to waste on a lesser of two evils situation which is what ever election comes down to these days. I refuse to give my vote to anyone who I don't fully support, and so far NONE of them who have run have been worth supporting. It's no longer a case of who can do a better job, but who will do less damage or who tells the better lies. How the hell did it come to this?
Maybe being an Anarchist isn't such a bad thing after all...

Weight

2010-03-22T04:23:00.003-04:00

So, I've always been overweight. The closest I've gotten to being slim was in collage, before I screwed up my back, and when I was lifting weights. I was down to 260, and looked ok I guess. But since my back went out it seems as if my weight just keeps going up and up. I'm almost 340 right now, and I hate how I look. Yet I find that everytime I try and loose weight my mind and body work against me. Last week I decided that enough was enough, I was going to start going for walks and cut back on my food portions. Not change what I was eating, just eat less of it. That afternoon while I was out running errands I stopped by Burger King and had a quad stacker. I hadn't had fast food for almost 7 months before this. And it wasn't till after I ate, and was feeling overfull, that I literally yelled at myself "WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO!" I hadn't even thought about it, just bought it and ate. It was like my mind said "Well, he wants to loose some weight so lets fuck with him". Other times I will plan to start walking more, go on hikes in the afternoon while I was up but before I need to start dinner for when my Angel gets home. So I walked one day. The next I didn't wake up till so late I didn't have time to go before I needed to start dinner. So the next day I set my alarm just in case... then SLEPT through the alarm.
It's not even a conscious thing that I could say is just me being lazy, it's like my mind shuts down when I think about needing to lose weight. I've wondered for years if my weight problem was some screwed up way of me punishing myself for past sins. It's like I look at some of the bad shit I've done, and in response I am slowly eating myself to death. Not that I've done a ton of evil, I'd like to think that I've caused far more smiles than tears, but it feels like the bad stands out far more than the good when I look back sometimes. From the hearts I've broke, to the times my hearts been broken, to friendships lost, chances failed, people I've physically hurt, promises broken... just so much that I think in some ways eating has been my way of hurting myself back.
Does this mean I should see a shrink? I sure hope not, don't think I'm that bad yet. But at the rate I'm going my blood pressure will eventually cause a heart attack, in fact before my Doc put me on meds for it she was amazed I hadn't already had one. She's told me that several of my medical problems, from blood pressure to bad cholesterol to some of my back pains, are a direct result of my weight.
What is it going to take for me to get it through this thick skull that I need to lower my weight...

Age and Paths

2010-03-19T03:54:00.003-04:00

So I turned 37 on the 18th... and in some ways it's intimidating to see 40 looming so close over the horizon. Looking back on my life I see that all in all I have had a good run of it. I've had a good family (with one or two exceptions), good friends, some great lovers, and a Wonderful wife. In a world so full of pain, anger, and hate as this one is I feel like I've been blessed. Which is a lot for someone of questionable religious faith to have to admit to. Yes, I took far to long to pay attention to my life, always too busy helping others with theirs. I have no savings (my wife fortunately is a saver, cause I spend quicker than I earn sometimes). I live day to day with little or no thought to the future. Yet somehow things have turned out not too bad. And while I admit to sometimes looking back and do the "what if" thing, perhaps far too often, I can't honestly say I would change much if I could go back. Perhaps find a way of getting to where I am now without hurting a few of the people I did (I never meant to hurt anyone, and that is the truth, but that is an excuse that means little to those who had to deal with the pain.) Perhaps I could have avoided a few of the pitfalls of my life, but to do that I'd have had to avoid some good people and great times. In the end I believe the smiles have outweighed the tears, and that's not something most people can say, and I truely believe that I have caused more smiles that tears in my life.
So here I head towards 40, just a few more turns around the sun. And what I hope for is that I can hold this fragile life I have together, and continue to make people laugh more than I make people cry.
I may never change the world, but the world may never change me...

Dreams

2010-02-23T04:50:00.002-05:00

So I don't understand my mind at night. When I was younger I almost never dreamed, and when I did they had a tendency to be nightmares.
Now it seems as if I dream all to often, and usually about stuff that makes no sense. From weird ones that just make no sense. To ones of my current life falling apart.
I had one where I woke up in the dream and I was back in high school and thought that my whole life since then had been just a dream itself.
Weird.
Then there have been a few naughty dreams, but with people that I either have no interest in, and never did, or with people who haven't been a part of my life for years.
The worst dreams are the ones that when I do awake I can't tell if they were dreams or not. Asking someone about something I only dreamed transpired can be occasionally embarrassing.
I wonder sometimes if my mind just likes to f*k with me.

2010

2010-01-11T04:08:00.003-05:00

So the new year started OK, then both Babushka and I got really sick. I've had a cold for over a week now, and she's had a fever of 102 for three days (fluctuating between 102 and 100.5 actually.). We're both on the mend now, but still not a lot of fun.
Now a friend of mine on FB has a possible connection to the Demon. Not sure what to do.
All in all the years off to a shaky start, let's see where it leads....

Eating words & Top Ten X-mas

2009-12-10T01:19:00.003-05:00

Guess I spoke too soon. So after I spoke about them not wanting to connect anymore, both Heaven and Isis have friended me on Facebook. It's nice to have some connection to them, I miss them in my life. So many smiles along the path.
Like the song says, Now it all seems a funny kind of life to dream...

Speaking of songs, I'm doing a list of my top ten favorite non-traditionall X-mas/winter songs. Why? The top ten was a regular feature once, and I kind of miss it too, so I figured a quick dip back in time is worth it.

1. Song For A Winter's Night - Sarah McLachlan/Jewel
2. Katey's Christmas Card - John Schneider
3. Snowman - Barenaked Ladies
4. From Christmas Eve To Christmas Morn - Brian D'Arcy James
5. Winter Song - Chris Rea
6. What A Year For A New Year - Dan Wilson
7. Belleau Wood _ Garth Brooks
8. This Is Christmastime - Mario Biondi/Nick The Nightfly
9. Christmas Eve - Ringo Starr
10. Christmastime - Smashing Pumpkins

and as always my extra two
11. This Time Of Year - Mighty Mighty Bosstones
12. Snowbird - Anne Murray

If you haven't heard of some of them, check them out, you might just be surprised by a great song.

Time

2009-12-03T05:25:00.001-05:00

December 2009. In less than a month another year will go by. Why does it seem that the older one gets the faster time moves? Are our perceptions of the passage of time really that malleable? This worries me....

Turkey Day

2009-11-24T03:19:00.002-05:00

So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the hole in my head where my wisdom tooth once was will be healed up by Thanksgiving so I can eat stuffing, god's most perfect food. Babushka and I are going to her folks, and then hopefully stopping at my Cuz's afterwards. It should be a long but enjoyable day.
I was going to do one of my big rambling "what i give thanks for" posts, but I just didn't feel like it. Suffice to say things in my life are going good, other than my Lil Sis moving. I have no major complaints so will just keep my mouth shut and keep my head down and hope that the universe overlooks me when it come to trouble.
I hope everyone has a great holiday.
Peace.

Sad

2009-11-20T04:08:00.002-05:00

So after 17 years my friend who I call my Lil Sis is finally moving away from me. She and her Hubby are aiming south, down to the old folks state of Florida. Both of us have had a history of losing people, both friends and family, so we always swore we'd be the ones who always stuck together. But life turns and sometimes you just can't fight the passage of time. This isn't the first time she was supposed to move away, but this will be the last. The last few scares sent me into a major depression at the time. So far I'm coping better this time around, I'm old enough to know that distance doesn't mean endings, not if the love is strong enough. I've held onto my Bro even though he's been in bOregon for about 10 years now. My little Brendragon has been in Denver for several years, and while talking to her is sometimes far between the love is still there. J$ moved to San Damn Diego. Boston is, well in Boston of course. So I have no doubt that my Lil Sis will stay in touch. I also know that over the last few years we haven't spent nearly as much time hanging out as we used to. But part of it was knowing that if something went wrong with either of us we were within running distance. Too many times we have been each others go to person when everything falls apart. I know she has her hubby and I my wife, but it's scary thinking I'll be facing life without her nearby.

Quiet and Creepy

2009-11-06T05:41:00.002-05:00

So I'm sitting at Yale's Health Building tonight (not my usual post but someone called out so I got pulled to here). The Overnight Docs are up on the 5th floor, so I'm all alone down here in a large brightly lit medical facility.
Of course I'm watching Zombie movies.
It's just such a perfect setting for one. The odd noises from the air systems and electronic doors. The wind blowing outside. The survallance cameras that seem to catch slight movement in them when your not quite looking. The basement cameras, where the lights are off, but are motioned sensored and will sometimes come on for no aparent reason.
I so love this.
I've always thought that there are several places on the Yale campus that could serve as a serious location for a good horror movie, and I need to add this building to the list (which includes the Yale Law School, Old Campus, and several of the Libraries). Add in that there is a long hallway directly behind my desk, which is one of the few areas on the ground floor that isn't lit up, a nice solid black yawning area right behind my back. It even includes a faint exit sign way back that is slowly dying so it winks off and on every now and then. Also, a very loud wall clock ticking off the minutes just to my left.
Now, with an hour and a half left I have to just decide which Zombie film to finish my night with....

Peek-A-Boo

2009-10-23T06:05:00.002-04:00

So I have become somewhat addicted to Facebook. Not sure why.
Seems like a ton of people who I once knew keep trying to friend me on it, but since most of them are folks I was never interested in knowing even when I did see them I see no reason why I should know them now. Just because I went to the same school as someone doesn't mean I feel an everlasting kinship with them. Heck, I've had folks who I have beaten the hell out of try to friend me, explain that?
However, I have been able to contact and keep in some sort of contact with a few friends who had vanished form my life. While this may not lead to a complete renewal of our friendship at least it is a way to know they are doing good and know that I still think fondly of them and their time in my life.
Oddly, or maybe not so, I have found both Isis and Heaven on there, but neither of them have responded to my friend link. I guess some friendships do die in time. They still have a place in my life and my heart if they want it, but I have never been the kind to force someone to accept me and myself into their lives if they don't want me. I just hope they know that I still love them and always will.
Married life is great. I just wish we got more time together. Due to our schedule we get maybe 2 hours a day during the week, but at least we both have weekends off. It's just funny how quickly the weekends fill up with stuff to do. Seems like we don't get a lot of down time to spend alone.
I am going through a period of buying my dentist a new car with the amount of money he'll get from working on my teeth. I have never had many problems with my teeth before, and perhaps I was wrong in not seeing a dentist for 13 years, but I still don't like going. I've already told him once everything's fixed he may not be seeing me very often.
I have found that I both like cooking and seem to have a talent for it. I make a wicked meatloaf and a chili that I believe could do good at our local contest. I'm learning my way around Mexican food, which we love, and now that I have a grill I'll be having fun coming up with creative things to do on that too. I do my best to have dinner on the table for when babushka gets home at night. The only draw-back is when she ends up running late. But there's always a way around that. I just wish I could learn to cut down on portions sizes, my waist line seems to get a little worse with each visit to the Doc. (Who I REALLY need to go see again soon. I've been putting it off while I deal with the dentist.). I think my arthritis has spread from my back into my knees.
I'm also trying to figure out how to go about getting autographs of the folks from the T.V. shows Ghost Hunters and Mythbusters. I was never much of an autograph hunter, but recently I realized I've got a little collection going. This includes Elvira, Lou Ferrigno, Jennifer Tilly, Terry Pratchett, Millvina Dean (last survivor of the Titanic), and a few others. Maybe not the most famous folks out there, but
if I'm going to spend money on someones signature it's got to be someone I like, not just someones who's famous. It's just that most of my auto's are from card sets, I'm still trying to figure out how to get them from folks who aren't in cards or in my area. Do I just mail something with a SASE and hope they return it? So confusing.
I hope every out there is doing good. I'm not sure if anyone is left in blogland, all of my old crowd seems to have left this writing place behind. But I'll keep dropping by when I have stuff on my mind or just some Chaos to spread.
Peace.

life

2009-08-12T01:09:00.002-04:00

So the marriage went off great. We had a beautiful day and everyone had a good time. The honeymoon was fantastic (we even left the bedroom a couple of times!).
Now it's back to life. Funny how no matter how big or important an event seems, time moves it back into the past and things just go back to normal in a much shorter time than you'd expect.
Work goes good. The Apartment is good (except for a battle against fruit flies which I seem to be losing). Little by little it's getting organized. Babushka is car shopping and we should have a new one for her by next week. I'm hoping to pick up a grill this weekend (finally). I am seeing my Doc this Friday, have been out of my meds since the week before the wedding. We also are going to finalize our pictures from the wedding photographer this weekend for the wedding album. We may even make some headway on the thank you cards.
All in all things are good.
Lets see how long it lasts.

Attention

2009-06-27T11:48:00.001-04:00

If everyone will please excuse me... I have my wedding to attend....

Meanings

2009-06-17T03:56:00.005-04:00

Forever. Always.
What exactly do those words mean. Seems like they get used alot and yet the definition of them gets lost.
In my wedding Vows I use the word 'forever'. Yet as I think back on my life and the times when I heard it before, or 'always' for that matter, seems like they last a lot less time than you'd think. I remember friends who told me they'd 'always' be there for me, or relationships where they'd love me 'forever'. Yet here I am and they are gone, and I'd swear it hasn't been 'forever' yet. Maybe it's my own fault. I still love them all, even if it's been years or if it ended badly. Maybe I just have a different definition of the words 'forever' and 'always' than most people do. They seem to get used because it's easier than saying 'until the situation changes' or 'until I get what I want' or 'until my emotions and opinions change'. I really do wish I could have all my old friends and loves still a part of my life. Oh, I wouldn't be dating any of them, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I could still see them, or hug them. Even when the relationships ended I still love them, maybe not in the same way, but I'm one who feel that loves and friendships only die if we let them.
Yet so many who have left me have used the words before. The Demon told me she'd 'always' want me in her life. Heaven said she'd love me 'forever'. ect.
So what does that make the words mean then? If they can be disregarded so easily? When I hear them from my little Babushka, my wife to be, what proof do I have that this time they might be real? How do you believe in words that have lied to you before? How do I explain that I shudder inside sometimes when I hear her say things that I've heard others say a million times before they left me alone? How do I explain I'm not afraid of getting married, I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up to another empty bed, another empty promise, another empty 'forever'?

Maybe.. maybe it's not the words that I need to believe, maybe its' the person who says them?

I have much to think about.....

Stag

2009-06-08T02:15:00.002-04:00

So despite my misgivings, the stag went well. There was poker, and ping-pong, and a comedian. Not too bad for a non-stripper stag. I got to see a lot of friends, some of who I haven't seen in quite a while, which was nice. I didn't drink too much, and even got to invite a few folks to the wedding who I had wanted to be there but didn't know how to contact. I'm proud of my Cuz's for pulling it off, who knew they could actually be responsible? Of course, their Moms will never believe it.
Now there is 3 weeks left. We're meeting with the DJ tom night, which is good because I was starting to get worried. We also need to finish putting the favors together, something that can be done in advance so I don't have to worry about it went he time comes.
All in all.. things go well.

Friday Random 10

2009-06-05T19:30:00.002-04:00

1. What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie
2. Madolin Rain - Bruce Hornsby and the Range
3. Many the Miles - Sarah Bareillis
4. All Arund my Hat - Steeleyed Span
5. Kodachrome - Simon and Garfunkle
6. Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park
7. Don't Think I Don't Think About It - Darius Rucker
8. March of the Villains - John Williams
9. End of the World - REM
10. Baker Street - Gerry Rafferty

And as is my tradition, 2 extra
11. Desolation Row - My Chemical Romance
12. Rosemary - Grateful Dead

The Lady: Babushka (aka Mrs. Azathoth)

2009-06-04T02:54:00.004-04:00

Babushka. My Angel. My Wife.
We will be married on June 27th of this year.
I met her at a friends party. Her older sister was dating Midget at the time. At first things were rocky between us, she kept losing my e-mail address, so I'd see her then not hear from her till Midget would ask me for my e-mail again. Once she went to collage things picked up, with me visiting her there. It was one night while I was leaving that she jumped up and started kissing me while I was getting in my car.
Since then the only problem was a year long break up over the concept of children. She wants them. I don't. But in the end we reunited because she decided she would rather be with me without kids than have them with someone else.
We now live together (and are desperatly trying to figure out how the hell we're going to fit all our stuff into out aprt.) and are preparing for our upcoming nuptials. Were the type of couple that makes other people sick, all cutsie an cuddly. I couldn't have asked for a better woman to share my life.
Love works, no matter what the jaded people may say.

The Ladies: pt.7 The Demon

2009-06-04T02:28:00.003-04:00

16 years of love, hate, and heartbreak.
I met my Demon through her sister Eggy. At first that's all she was, just the little sister to a girl I had a crush on. But as years passed, and Eggy had a boyfriend, I started spending more and more time hanging out with Demon.
I think I first realized I had feelings for her when she left to live in the south for a year and I found myself missing her a lot more than I should have. When she got back we spent a lot of time together. She went to collage, to hair school, and I would spend weekends with her. Finally, after driving my friends nuts about her, I worked up the courage to ask her out.
She said no and stopped talking to me then.
Almost two years went by. Then one day I went to visit Eggy (who I stayed friends with) and there was the Demon. She acted like nothing had ever happened, and so I let it all drop. We quickly got back into our friendship, hanging out almost ever day. This went on for about a year. Then she started flirting with me. I told her, straight out, that I still had feelings for her so not to joke around. She kept flirting. I kept letting it slid, I'd flirt back but did my best not to take it too serious. Then one night she kissed me. Well, that did it, and so I asked her out again.
She said no and left my life again. (She actually told me that she "dated a**holes cause that's how she was used to being treated and that I made her feel special and she didn't know how to handle it" her exact words. I didn't then, and still don't know what I was supposed to say to that.).
After 4 years she showed back up. The first night I saw her she told me she loved me and had for a long time but didn't know how to deal with it. So after all this time we started to date. I still remember the first time we made love, I was so nervous, after all the years of wanting her I just couldn't believe it was happening, that it took me a while to 'get it up' (and despite all the jokes that can be made, it was the only time in my life that had or has ever happened). Needless to say the nervousness didn't last and we went at it like rabbits while we were together.
Then one night after about 2 months she called me up after being out at a bar and broke up with me.
That was several years ago. Last I heard she got pregnant by a guy she met at a bar and married him and they now live in a town nearby me (that I fortunately never go to).
I have let her come and go in my life, and allowed her to break my heart several times. I never treated her bad, never made a fuss about how things turned out. I learned a long time ago that she had been abused when she was little, and she had a very hard time dealing with relationships. I always gave her the freedom to just be herself, and always did my best to make her feel special. I have no regrets about her, and hope that she has found the happiness that I couldn't give her. When we were together she was my Angel. When we were apart she was my Demon. Even now I wish that she knows that I will always consider her my friend and be here if she needs me. I no longer have the desire to be with her, a feeling that haunted me for many years and through many of my other relationships, but I also know that we made great friends and had a lot of fun together (she once said that I was the only person who could make her smile because she was happy and not just fake it to fit in with the people around her). I miss that. I miss her. But life moves on....

The Ladies: pt.6 Jinx

2009-06-03T05:05:00.003-04:00

Ok, so maybe this one shouldn't be included. We were only together for a short time, we never had sex, and she basically used me. But I might as well list the screw ups as well as the other ones right?
We met at a comic store.
We dated for about 2 weeks.
I helped her move.
She stopped talking to me.
Simple. She saw a big stupid guy who she could get to help her move and used her big smile and even bigger chest to get me to do the heavy lifting for her, then dumped me like a sack of potatoes.
I don't get mad about it. I've been used before. I haven't even thought about her for a long time. But since I was doing relationships.... well guess this belongs in here somewhere too.

The Ladies: pt.5 Heaven

2009-06-01T02:16:00.004-04:00

This is going to be a touchy one to do. Heaven was both a long time friend, an ex- of another long time friend, and engaged when we started to have a relationship beyond being friends.
We had been friends for several years. She had originally been dating another friend of mine, but hey broke up after he smacked her during an argument. She and I stayed close as the years passed. She found someone else, and got engaged. We had always flirted somewhat, but she was beautiful and I figured she was just joking around.
It took me by surprise when I found out she wasn't joking. We were just sitting watching tv, she leaned over and kissed me.
Were we dating? I've never been sure. She was still engaged and living with her fiance, I didn't make a lot of money at my present job and she couldn't afford her rent without him. The first time we went at it he was in the other room watching tv, thank god he kept the volume up. We spent all the time we could together. We laughed a lot, hugged a lot, and fooled around every chance we got. I still remember how after we would make love we would just lie there and hug each other and smile. She was beautiful, had a fantastic body, huge ta-tas, and I still don't know what she saw in me.
What happened? As usual, I'm not sure. She didn't break up with him. I was just off breaking up with Rie-Rie, and another of the Demon's destruction's of my heart, and maybe just didn't know what to make of the whole situation. In the end she and he got married and had a child. I met Babushka. We drifted apart. I still miss her friendship. I do not regret what happened between us, in fact it's a lovely memory, but I do wonder sometimes if it hadn't happened if we would still be as close of friends as we were before. I doubt it though, her hubby didn't like me even though he never knew what went on between us. I still e-mail her sometimes, even though I rarely get a reply, and I hope that maybe someday we will get to try and pick up a friendship that will always make me smile.

The Ladies: pt.4 Rie-Rie

2009-05-27T18:47:00.007-04:00

I met Rie-Rie the weekend after Isis and I broke up for good. (oddly, she met someone that weekend too, go figure).
Rie-Rie was my first and only blind date. We met through Ug and his girlfriend (who has become his wife). We spent our first night knowing each other sitting up all night in Ug's living room talking. By morning we were pretty much a couple. We stayed that way for just about the next 2 1/2 years. She lived out of state, so I spent my weekends driving up to see her and stay with her and her family.
We had so much fun together. From going to tag sales to feeding ducks. There were very few time that we were together that we didn't spend laughing. We were so cute together we made people sick.
Of course, we weren't so cute when we got alone. She was insatiable in bed, and as far as I was concerned I couldn't get her extra-reinforced bra off fast enough. The fact that either of our bed's still had springs left was a tribute to modern construction.
The problems started because her family would always talk about moving to Florida. Maybe I was just being stupid, but I let it bother me, alot. More and more I felt that I was going to lose her no matter what I did. Then when she started working night I felt like I never got to see her, like I had a part time girlfriend. Part of it was that she had to sleep on the only 2 days I got to spend with her. It wasn't her fault. I would tell her it didn't bother me, while inside it was eating me up. Poor communication is perhaps the final culprit, either that or just my own stupidity. After around 2 years of happiness I broke up with her. It was messy, and in the end I was the asshole. I didn't mean to be, I tried not to be, but that's what happened.
I wish now that I could tell her I was sorry. It probably wouldn't mean anything to her anymore, and unfortunately she probably remembers me for the pain and stupidity instead of for the good times. Last I heard she's getting married, and I hope that everything in her life turns out so much better than I was able to make it.

The Ladies: pt.3 Isis

2009-05-27T03:43:00.006-04:00

Isis.
We met and became friends in college. The first I realized that there might be something there was one night while drinking heavily she offered to take me upstairs and do naughty stuff (her words). I honestly thought she was joking. A few months later she was supposed to be moving to the tiny state with her Boyfriend, and while we were hanging out one night she asked me for a good bye kiss. It ended up being 2 kisses, and I guess things just started rolling then and there. In short order she had broken up with said boyfriend, and we were a hit. I ended up living with her for 2 years. We both loved to laugh, we both were slightly insane, and we were both horny as hell.
She had a daughter from a previous marriage, who is still my little Ant, and for a while these became the happiest days of my life. Days spent laughing, goofing around, helping to raise a beautiful and smart young girl, having a place of our own.
Of course we were also having as much sex as 2 people could pack into a day. I don't think there are many things we didn't try at one time or another. Every time we were alone it was playtime. I was a virgin when we started dating, and an expert by the time we stoped. I still don't know how she packed that trunk of hers into those tight pants she used to wear.
Looking back I'm still not fully sure what happened. Part of it was her family, I didn't get along too well with her Mom which was a big sore spot. Part of it, maybe most of it, was because of my Nana's death. Isis was wrapped up in a giant family feud at the time, and I was hurting bad and felt she wasn't there for me after all the times I had been there for her. Whatever the reason, while the relationship ended the friendship managed to hold through.
As the years have passed we both have found ourselves turning to each other when we need to talk. Perhaps part of it was just that we had shared so much that we didn't need to keep secrets or play pretend. And in those rare times when we were both single, well some private memories got relived too. But that was a rare bonus, mostly it was just nice to have someone who I could talk about things that were happening in my life and know that I would get an honest and blunt opinion.
All this seemingly ended about 2 years ago when Isis got remarried. Since then I haven't heard from her at all, perhaps her new hubby didn't like the idea of her being good friends with an old flame. I'm hoping that this can be changed, and have even invited them to my wedding, along with my Ant who I still occasionally hear from through e-mail. I hope to see them all at the wedding, after 15 years of friendship I'd hate to lose her in my life.

The Ladies: pt.2 Eggy

2009-05-26T04:16:00.005-04:00

I was going to just stick to those females who I've actually dated, but I think I may make an exception here.
I met Eggy my Junior year of High School. She was a beautiful young lady who was very outgoing, loved to laugh, and caught my eye and held it. I spent a few weeks thinking of maybe talking to her, then when I finally did I thought she'd end up hitting me. We both had study period at the same time even though she was 2 grades lower than I was. She was always getting in trouble for talking, whereas I normally just sat back and read through most of the period. One day I was walking past her just as the librarian was scolding her for talking, and without thinking (a habit that has followed me my whole life) I looked at her and said 'has anyone ever told you you talk alot?'. For one moment she sat with her mouth open, and I was sure she was going to get up and smack me, my first chance to talk to this girl and I insult her right? Instead she and her friends broke up laughing.
We stayed friends throughout High School, and for many years after. She was the first girl I was interested in after Meesha's death. But we never did date. At first I held back because of the pain from what had happened with Meesha. By the time I decided that maybe I should try dating again, (was planing to ask her to my Junior Prom) turns out Eggy had gotten a boyfriend ( I didn't end up going to Prom). This pattern stayed for several years. When I was single, she was dating, when I was dating she was single. By the time something maybe could have happened I was no longer interested in dating her anymore, instead I had fallen in love with her younger sister... my Demon. Part of it was that Eggy got into the habit of dating guys who liked to hit her, and I've never been good at dealing with someone who will not only let it happen but keep going back to them after they've done it. Once can be an accident. But it seemed that every one she dated did it. Even the man she had a child with was heavy handed. She would eventually break up with them, only to find someone else who was the same. So I left behind those feelings for her.
We still got along, even up to the last time the Demon left my life, Eggy and I still hugged when we saw each other. She still looked beautiful to me, and part of me always wondered what may have happened if I had asked her out before she started dating someone. Perhaps I could have moved her away from a life of abuse, perhaps she would have kept me from chasing the Demon for so many years. But would have, could have, should haves aside, I will always smile when I think of our adventures in school. I will always hope someday she'll find someone who helps make her smile the way my Babushka does for me.

The Ladies: pt.1 Meesha

2009-05-23T22:11:00.004-04:00

Meesha

She's like a faint memory, a ghost of my soul that still haunts me and the person I am.

We met when I was 14. She was a year older than me. A young mulatto girl who lived in New Haven. What she ever saw in a awkward fat kid from Northford I'll never know. We were friends for maybe 2 months before she decided to kiss me one night at a party. I think it had to rate as one of the worst kisses of all time, I just sat there with my mouth hung open because I couldn't comprehend why she was doing this. However the second kiss more than made up for it.

We were together for maybe 6 months. We spent our weekend time laughingand goffing around. We had friends we hung out with in New Haven, but the best was our precious alone time, so very little of it. Long talks. Learning about the differance between boys and girls. We never crossed the line, but we sure pushed up against it when we could. There is far more to sex than just intercourse, and every lady since owes her thanks for teaching me everything about foreplay. To both my eyes and everyone who knew us we were so happy.

But Meesha had a secret. She was a Manic-Depressive. And at some point she stopped taking her medicine that helped stabilize her. Apparently she would be happy and energetic whenever I was around, then sad and despondent when I was away. And since I was only ever around on the weekends (Had to get a ride with a friend of mines older brother) that left her far too much time for the see-saw of her emotions to work on her.

After just over 6 months together she committed suicide.

I never told my family about her. They thought I was hanging out with the kids up the street from us. They also didn't understand the depressions I went through for next several years of my life.

Was it my fault? No. Was I old enough to understand that? No.

Maybe if I was around more... maybe if I told her I loved her just one more time... maybe if I had called her more than just once a day...

I still don't know why I didn't end up killing myself. I wanted to. But there has always been a stubborn part of my soul that just wouldn't let me. As I aged I gained friends who didn't know what had happened, but they cared about me and helped me see through the depressions that haunted most of my teenage years.

I decided that I must be the worst boyfriend the world have ever known. I wouldn't date again till I was in college, and have always felt somehow insecure in my relationships.

I have no pictures of Meesha. She is a memory that gets a little fuzzier in my mind every year. I don't think I could draw a picture of her face anymore. Yet in some ways she will always be with me. Her death has been a factor in ever relationship I've had since, both Romantically or Platonic.

Through her I learned to never miss a chance to let someone know you love them. To try my best to be there when someone I love needs me, even if it's inconvenient. I learned to be tolerant of the problems others have. And I learned that I was pretty dang good with my tongue.

I don't know how my life would have been if she hadn't done what she did, but I do know that I'm glad I had her in my life, even for so brief a time. Because without her I wouldn't be who I am today.

And as long as thats true, then in a way she'll always live on....

The Ladies: pt.0 a Preview

2009-05-23T22:06:00.007-04:00

Ok, so after much thought I am going to go through with my posts on my previous relationships.
I figure since I'm getting married in a month I want a run-up, mostly for my own mind, of how I got here on the broken road of love.
I had planned on starting this a while back, but got hung up on the first one, my Meesha.
But perhaps the old pain is really just a ghost now, I feel it more because I think I should than because it still hurts. Not that I want to tarnish how bad it was, but time and distance and new love do a pretty good job of healing things in a heart.
So starting with my next post we'll take a look at the women of my life who have walked me to where I am now. I will warn that I will probably touch upon adult themes, both emotionally and physically, so if you're underage or easily offended then don't read these posts.
Lets see......

Babushka/Mrs. Azathoth

Why

2009-05-20T02:30:00.002-04:00

So I decided to start trying to organize all my pictures. I should have known better. I have tons and tons of them. Not only have I always been compulsive picture taker, but when both sets of my grandparents died I ended up with thier pictures, plus I have a tendency to develope pictures that my friends have on thier facebook/myspace pages. Then I have all the pictures that came with my Babushka when we moved in together, and shes a compulsive picture taker too. Turns out my little project could become a long and annoying one, but I figured I've already started so I might as well see it through, if I don't get annoyed too muach and just burn them all.

A brief update in passing

2009-05-09T20:39:00.002-04:00

So life marches on.
The wedding stuff is coming to a head, with only a month and 2 weeks to go. Still much to do, but most of the major things are finished. Now it's just details. Also finding that I enjoy getting the invites back much more than I thought I would. It's fun seeing who responds fastest.
We've moved into the new place, I love it but it does get lonely sometimes since she works all day and I all night. The unpacking goes slower than I'd like, but with our scheduals it's hard to find time to chexck with each other on where we want things to go and neither of us want to just put stuff up/away without making sure it's good with the other.
Work goes good, they finally moved me out of driving and into a post, which so rocks and I love. Much thanks to my lead officer and managment for the switch. The best part of it is at the new post I get to do patrols wich means after sitting down driving for 2 1/2 years I finally will start getting some exercise at work and maybe can start to lose some of the hideous wieght I have on me. I'm so sick of looking like a giant chunk of bread dough.
So life moves on, and perhaps with the new work post I may find time to start stopping by here at blogland more often. I have a facebook, and a myspace, but I still miss the chance to just sit and rant that blogs allow you.
We'll see what the future holds as we get there....

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

2009-03-08T09:49:00.001-04:00

I was going to write a series of posts about the former women in my life, and I still might, but to do that I need to start with Meesha and for some reason, even after all these years, I still find it hard to talk about her. So for now that whole project is on hold.

Work

2009-02-10T16:22:00.003-05:00

So I'm getting fed up with crap at work. I so need to relax more, I'm starting to say things I realize afterwards that I shouldn't. It's just that theres a certain level of stupidity going on that just gets under my skin. Between my back bothering me, trying to get out of driving while they have several casuals who could do it but arn't being allowed to, and just stuff outside of work like the wedding and house hunt, I have just gotten to be in a bad mood every time I go in to work.
I know they arn't going to fire me, people have done a lot worse and are still there, but I don't like being one of those folks. I just seem to say things before I think about it.
Maybe I just need a vacation.

Ongoing

2009-02-03T15:55:00.003-05:00

So we have enough money to pay off the wedding. Now we just need a downpayment for a place.
Seems like everything we like is out of our price range, which really sucks. The problem is that neither Jackie or I are that great at home improvement and most of whats in our range are fix-er uppers. Add in that with our scheduals we can only go look on the weekend and this is becoming a real challenge. The person whos helping us is also looking for a place, which sometimes limits our time to search even more, and of course all the stuff we need to do for the wedding has to be done on weekends as well.... get the picture.

So we're supposed to go to dance class tonight, but it's also supposed to snow so I don't know if either are happening. I'm not thrilled with the whole dance thing, I'm large, awkward, and stiff - not major dancing material. Jackie loves stepping on my feet which is why she wants to learn to dance. But I have a feeling it's going to be yet another thing we have to pack into our busy weekeends because I just can't go late night before work and miss sleep when I have to drive that night for 8 hours, dead tired and riving don't mix well.
Oh well, whatever she wants right?

Here Again

2009-02-01T09:51:00.003-05:00

It's been over a year since I walked away from this blog. Yet here I stand again.
This is the year I get married. In fact it's less than 6 months away. The good news is that we have enough money to pay for the whole wedding.
The bad news is we have no money to put as a down payment on a place. We've been trying to get a house or cndo and so far no luck. I have to be out of here by Mid-April so time grows short.
Back in Nov I threw my back out bad, ruptured disc. I was laid up for over 5 weeks in bed. It took a cortozone shot directly into the spine to get me back moving again.
Also I'm dealing right now with a stubborn Upper Respritory Infection that has lasted over a month despite several differant medicines they've tried. But it does seem to be slowly leaving, finally.
Work goes ok. I'm trying to get them to take me out of driving, 8 hours in a car each night bothers my back, but theres no positions open yet so I keep waiting for someone to retire. I'm trying to not make too much of a stink about it since the economy is so bad that even Yale is talking about cut backs, I waited almost 2 years to be full time and don't want to risk losing it.
Other than all that everything else remains just life. I don't get to see my friends as much as I'd like, just too busy right now. Jackie and I don't get as much cuddle time as I'd like, too busy and also the back and coughing problems.
I will pot when I can,a nd try and find time to chec up on those who I used to keep in touch with here. Hope all are good.
Peace.

In the darkness, something stirs.....

2009-01-28T02:45:00.004-05:00

Yet in Chaos, as in life, all things end.
Yet in Chaos, as in life
Yet in Chaos,
Yet in
Chaos......
.........things end?

In Chaos, Nothing ever truly ends.

A click of a lock.
A flip of a switch.

Let there be Light.

The Blind Idiot God of Chaos.... has returned.

One last blog

2008-01-21T08:13:00.000-05:00

Outside the ordered universe is that amorphous blight of nethermost confusion which blasphemes and bubbles at the center of all infinity—the boundless daemon sultan Azathoth, whose name no lips dare speak aloud, and who gnaws hungrily in inconceivable, unlighted chambers beyond time and space amidst the muffled, maddening beating of vile drums and the thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes. - H.P. Lovecraft

The chairs have all been put up. The floors mopped and cleaned well. All the glasses neatly arranged. The jukebox unplugged, it's songs silent now.
The journey has been fun. I thank you all for walking the path with me. But life awaits beyond the door, and I must follow the piper now.
The future becons. And A future I do have now, a much brighter one than that when I started this journal of my chaotic mind.
Your friendships have been a great gift, smiles in times of darkness, laughter in times of light.
Yet in chaos, as in life, all thing end.
This is farewell.
From the Blind Idiot God, to all those who have stopped by these pages....
Thank you for your time, thoughts, and friendship.
A smile.
A Bow.
Please,
turn the lights off when you go.

Sincerly,
Jeffrey D Jennings 1/21/08

Shift change

2008-01-08T13:59:00.000-05:00

So things are still on a holding pattern at work as far as benifits go. But they have changed my schedual, I am now Monday-Friday midnight to 8am. This should be an interesting change, and not all in a good way. While it does mean that I don't have to deal with the drunk friday/saturday students, it does mean that I have to deal with morning rush hour both at work and getting off work. I so hate traffic, especially the folks in New Haven who really have no idea how to drive. Nothing like trucks that back up in the middle of a one-way road, or ones who just stop in the middle of the road and leave thier trucks to go do something. Ug.
But anotyher change is that we are no longer supposed to use the computers at work, wich mean it's going to be harder for me to keep up on blogging, so don't be suprised if my post and comments take a bit longer now.
Lastly, it will make it harder to go to sleep in the morning. When we are getting out at 6:30 it's still somewhat dark out, but when we get out at 8am it's already quite bright. fortunatly I have my room pretty blocked up for darkness, but it still is brighter.
All in all thogh I'm looking forward to the change. I like having my weekends free, especially cause it may mean I get to sleep with Babushka both nights, as lon as she doesn't mind driving here after she does her Nanny gig.
Hope everyone's doing ok, and I'll write again when I can.
Peace

10 Resolutions at the years end....

2007-12-31T04:11:00.000-05:00

I resolve to try and acomplish the following personal improvments in the coming year:

1. To finally learn to care enough about myself to start taking better care of me. Lose some wieght and get more exercise before I have that heart attack the doctor keeps warning me about.
2. Let go of the ghost of the past that seem to haunt me when I'm alone in the night. I need to realize that the things I blame myself for were often not my fault and those who are gone would be sad to know that I still carry the blame and guilt for things that were out of my control.
3. To find it within myself to actually SAVE money. I have a wedding and an apartment to save up for, yet I seem to keep finding ways to spend all my extra money. I have lived off of half of what I'm making now and there's no reason to increase my expendatures to match my income. It needs to be about the priorities.
4. To continue to do everything in my power to keep my Babushka the happiest woman in the world, she deserves every smile I can bring to her.
5. Rekindle some of the friendships that I seem to have let slip over the last few years. These are good people who have shared so much of my life, yet I have allowed time and distance to grow between us. I can find the time to visit and still maintane my sleep and work schedual. I miss thier hugs and smiles. Freindship only works if both people want it to and make the effort to keep it alive.
6. Learn to forgive more. Not to forget, because some of the people who have hurt me have proven that they are not worth trusting, but I need to let go of the anger, resentment, and hatred that I carry with me because of them. Bottling negative emotions is just a bad thing all around. I need to let go of them.
7. Stop being in such a rush. It's one thing to not want to be late for things, but that doesn't mean I have to be an hour or even a half hour early for everything. On time is fine, or even fifteen minutes maybe, but to spend over an hour sitting around because I was afraid of being ten minutes late is just obsessive.
8. Descover the fact that I don't have to buy things or pay for everything in order to make people like me. Chivlery is fine, but bouncing my bills because I HAD to pay for dinner for everyone is rediculous. I'll pay if I can, but if someone wants to do something it's alright to let them pay for themselves, if they couldn't then they wouldn't have suggested doing the thing in the first place.
9. Take the fraking CAP LOCK BUTTON off of my computer. I never use it, and I hate typing half a page of stuff only to realize I hit it by accident and have to redo the whole thing!
10. Spend more time seeing both my family and Babushka's. I normally hate family gatherings, either mine or hers, but in the end it is my/her family and there's nothing wrong with spending time with them. It gets to the point where I don't see some folks for ages till I get absolutly stuck at a major holiday. I love these folks, I need to stop seeing the gatherings as a forced visit and reacting like a rebelous teenager refusing to do what others want him to.

So there are my attempts at fixing things about myself that I don't like. the first step is addmiting to a problem, now for part 2......

A Holiday Message....

2007-12-24T04:56:00.000-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Holiday miracle

2007-12-21T10:53:00.000-05:00

So I was talking to a co-worker about what was going on in my life. Telling him how I had left home and was living on the run and might have to get my own place, although it would mean the wedding getting pushed back for a while. So he made a rather blunt statement and put it all in a much differant perspective than any I had thought of when he said :
"So in other words you hate your sister more than you want to marry your fiance".
So as of Christmas Eve I'll be moving home. Hopefully I can do my best to avoid the bitch sis and she'll be gone before either of us kills the other. Keep your fingers crossed and I'll keep eveyone posted on how things are going.
Have a great holiday season, no matter which one you celebrate.
Peace.

It's the holiday season...

2007-12-20T04:04:00.000-05:00

Such fun.
The homelessness is going to continue for the foreseeable future, possibly into mid-Jan. I also have nowhere to go for the holidays, Babushkas Grandma is going to be staying at the house and so I can't sleep there. I may be able to stay with one of my Aunts, but it's might be my car for X-mas since everyone will be having company for the day and it'll be impossible for me to get any sleep for work that night. So I might just park the car at a garage in the city and sleep in the back. Ho ho ho.
Anyways, I hope everyone's doing good and has a great holiday. I'll try to post again before X-mas but I'm not sure if I'll get a chance.
Peace.

What a way to live

2007-12-15T02:01:00.000-05:00

So I'm staying at Babushka's for now. My back is killing me (sleeping on an air matress sucks!) and my ride to work has tripled in time (and gas consumption) but I'm also getting to spend lots of time with my angel, of course most of it is time that I should be asleep. Hopefully this will only last another week or so.
Other than that things are good. Hope everyone is doing good and I'll post again when I can.
Peace.

So much for the holidays...

2007-12-05T14:49:00.000-05:00

So my folks told me today that they might be letting my eldest half-breed sister move in soon. In which case I will be moving out on short notice. I've spent the last few hours searching for a new place to live, because I refuse to live with that alchoholic bitch. This may mean I might be off Blog for a while as I'm searching and moving. I hope everyoen has a great holiday season, cause mine is now screwed. I'll try and keep posting from work with updates.
Peace.

Work

2007-11-28T00:17:00.000-05:00

So I got told tonight that they're going to finally make me full time. By the time all the paperwork is done I should be in by the first week of January. Since your benifits start the first month after you begin that means by Febuary I'll have benifits and vacation and sick time. WHOOOO-HOOOO!
Guess that's going to be my big X-mas present for this year. I'll still be a thrid shift driver, which is what I want, but my days off will be changing from Wed and Thurs night to Fri and Sat night, which is actually very good. It means I won't have to deal with the drunk weekend students anymore. Of course those are Babushkas 2 nights that she babysits, so I don't know how many nights we'll get together, but there's still a good chance that I cn spend Sat night and all day Sunday with her, which would rock.
So I'm off to finish my shift tonight, and when I get home I'm gonna have a Guiness to celebrate.
Peace.

Giving Thanks

2007-11-21T18:12:00.000-05:00

Just about every year I've done a Thanksgiving post about the things that I am most grateful for that year. This year there are two things that stand out the most, and one leads right into the other.
The first thing I have this year is my current job. Yea, strange as it may seem, without this job at Yale University my life would be as stagnant as it has been for quite a few years now. Last year I was out of work for almost the entire year, then near the end of it I re-met my old friend Poet, who I ahdn't seen in about 8 years, at Big Bobs Funeral. Despite the fact that so many years of non-contact had passed he and I still connected just like in the past and when he found out I was out of work he told me how his Dad worked for Yale Security and that he was putting in and I should too. By the start of the new year I was in my job, and was making more money starting than I had in my entire life. That includes 10 years of retail slavery in which I was either an assistant manager or Substitute manager for a large part of that time. With this job I have paid off all my debt, including all the bills that pilled up while I was out of work. I was also able to set up the second reason I have to be thankful.
That is my engagment to Babushka. After 6 years, with a break of 1, I figured we had put it off long enough and went out and bought a ring and poped the question. My little angel said yes, and now I am slowly planning mabey the biggest change of my life, marriage. While it may be 2-3 years before it actually happens, it was a big step for someone who hates changes in his life. My little Angel has made me so happy, and knowing that she'll be my wife is perhaps the greatest thing thats ever happened to me. Even now, several months since I proposed, I still have to look at the ring on her finger sometimes to remind myself that this is actually happening. Marriage was always something that happened to others, and was not meant for me. I always feared I'd end up alone in life, but now that's not so. I've found someone that is willing to put up with all my annoying habits and stupidities and yet still love me.
So those are my two biggies this year, work and marriage.
How about you?

Please Hold...

2007-11-17T04:12:00.000-05:00

Still sick
still having problems with Babushka health
Life is just in a holding pattern it seems right now.
Peace.

@&%@@*!!! Computer!

2007-11-09T07:28:00.000-05:00

My freakin cd/dvd burner isn't working! Actually neither of the freakin things are working! I just got one of them in March! What the heck!
My Cuz is going to come over this week and take a look, cause if it doesn't get fixed soon I'm gonna have a meltdown. I burn so many Cd's and Movies that without the burner I might as well not have a comp of my own. I can use the ones at work to do e-mail and facebook and blogging. It's like a giant paperweight here. I so hate technology!

Babushka is going to a neurologist on Tuesday. Her doc says that the problems shes having with her hands isn't normal for an accident victem. If there is something wrong they'll have to get a lawyer and sue someone, cause it's her left hand thats having the problem, and yes- she's left handed. On top of that one of the 2 classes shes taking this semester is sign language, and I'll leave it to you to figure out how messed up the class is geting without her being able to use her main hand.
Work is going good, but I'm doing 6 day weeks this month, which may not seem like much but it sure makes for a long week. Not sure why but working overnight makes it feel like you have no time normally, and adding a day really cuts into my time to do things.
I bought Babushka's X-mas gift already, I'm taking her and her freind from Colombia who's going to be visiting for the month of December and January to see the Lion King on Broadway. We've tried to go to a play a year, but missed a few due to bills. It's just so dang expensive to go. But I have it all set up now, so that should be good.
I'm aslo trying to get over a cold, I so hate being sick. Nothing like driving students around while choughing your lungs thick goo out the window. Yum.
Peace.

On the Horizon, just past the glare of Thanksgiving...

2007-11-05T00:19:00.000-05:00

So I've been trying to get a hold of folks and asking them for thier mail address (home one, not e-mail) so that I can send out X-mas cards to my blogger friends. Unfortunatly some of the comments sections won't let me post things right now so I figured I'd cut the red tape and just do a post about it. I have already recieved some replys but for those of you who haven't or who didn't recieve my comment about it, if you're interested in me sending you a X-mas card (or even just a happy season card if you don't celebrate) then just e-mail me your address and name (as well as significant others if applicable) to Azathoth100@aol.com
I will not share the address, or real names out to anyone, this would just be between you and I. I'm just really big into the whole holiday card thing. Don't assume that you have to do this, it's just a little side thing if your interested.
Peace.

Sleep? I so wish...

2007-10-31T00:08:00.000-04:00

So between working tons of overtime and playing chauffer for Babushka I have slept almost not at all recently. Tonight when I came into work my boss wanted to know why my eyes were all dark and red. I lied and said drugs (it sounds more believable). He was worried I'd be too tired to drive for the night, but I told him a good strong coffee would get me through just fine, and then I can catch a little snooze tom, before I head to my sisters to help get the kids ready for Halloween (my 2 nephews like me to do thier make-up for them).
Babushka is getting her new car Thursday, hopefully. That'll allow me to go back to trying to sleep more, which will be nice. I do love spending time with her, but being overtired all the time sucks.
So what is everyone doing for Halloween? Anyone dressing up? How about the kids? Giving out candy? Shooting paintballs at the local kids? Stealing others candy? Let me know. alos, if you can post a picture of yoruself all done up, I so love Halloween!

News

2007-10-25T05:04:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the leave of absence, Babushka was in a car accident. She's ok, mostly (just some bad bruising) but her car is totalled, so I'm driving her around everywhere. I'll be back as soon as she buys a new car (which should be within the next week or so.) Hope everyone is doing good, I miss ya all. Peace.

my Halloween Cd

2007-10-22T03:16:00.000-04:00

1. This is Halloween - Marilyn Manson
2. Halloween Theme
3. Hell's Bells - AC/DC
4. Jaws Theme
5. Shout at the Devil - Motley Crew
6. Beetlejuice Theme
7. Deadman's Party - Oingo Boingo
8. Exorcist Theme
9. Saturday Night in the City of the Dead - Ultravox
10. Tales From the Crypt Theme
11. Monster Mash - Cryptkickers
12. Addams Family Theme
13. Haunted House - Sam Sham and the Pharos
14. Munsters Theme
15. Beware the Blob - the Five Blobs
16. Haunter of the Dark - Vox Arcana
17. Science Fiction Double Feature - Rocky Horror Picture Show
18. Resident Evil Theme
19. Science Fiction Double Feature (Reprise) - Rocky Horror Picture Show
20. Wwe Theme Minestry of Darkness
21. Werewolf of London - Warren Zion
22. Wwe Theme the Brood
23. Spooky - Classics Four

How did I get here?

2007-10-16T18:00:00.001-04:00

So I've been trying to figure out how someone who hates driving and dislikes dealing with people and really hates New Haven ended up being an escort driver for Yale University. So I've decided to take a quick walk back through the years and see exactly how I got where I am. Here goes:

1973- Born.

1977- Met my Bro first day of Nursery School.

1979- Got into first fight.

1980- Moved to Northford.

1985- Begin collecting comic books.

1986- Oldest sister clocks me in crotch with aluminum Baseball bat. Partially sterile from this.

1987- Met first girlfriend (Meesha).

1988- First girlfriend commits suicide. Another friend, Tunes, is beaten to death by her boyfriend. I stop hanging out in New Haven after the 2 funerals.

1989- Met the Demons older sister. Discovery of ulcer.

1990- Met the Demon. Got stabbed in knee.

1991- Graduated High School. Went 'away' for summer. Began College. Got job at comic store.

1992- Got license. Met Lil Sis. Demon moves away.

1993- Left comic book store. Start working heating & Air conditioning. Began dating second girlfriend (Isis). Lost virginity (while Meesha and I did some stuff, we never took that major step before she died.). Moved to Middletown. Demon moves back. Done with collage.

1994- Screw up back. Stop working Heating & Air conditioning.

1995- Broke up with Girlfriend. Move home. Demon leaves life again. Bro Moves to bOregon. Become Uncle for first time.

1996- Nana's Funeral. Began dating third girlfriend (Rie-Rie). Start job at Fire Alarm factory. Ribs broken by baseball bat.

1997- Demon returns.

1998- Break up with girlfriend. Loose job at factory. Demon leaves again. Aunt Sarge's Funeral.

2000- Began relationship with engaged friend (Heaven).

2001- Start retail slave job. Friend gets married, relationship ends. Begin dating Babushka.

2002- Switch retail job. Grandpa Funeral. Aunt Purple's Funeral.

2003- Break up with Babushka. Demon returns.

2004- Demon leaves. Switch retail slave job. Aunt Newfie's Funeral.

2005- Begin dating Babushka again.

2006- Leave retail. Out of work for most of year. Nanies Funeral. Aunt Moe's Funeral. Big Bob's Funeral. Bro moves home for 6 months, then back to bOregon. Meet up with Poet again.

2007- Get job at Yale thanks to Poet and his Dad. Moved to North Haven. Babushka graduates college. Propose to Babushka.

2008- Hurt back badly. Told will have back problems for rest of life. Almost fired from Yale because of all this. Make full position at Yale, get benefits and time-off. Planning wedding.

2009- Move into own place in Northford. Babushka moves in with me. Get married in June. Spend 2 weeks on Honeymoon. Change postion at work. Lil Sis moves to Florida.

2010- Cassie's Funeral. Mom's cancers back. DBM gets married. Sealie pregnant again. Quad L and Mathman get married.

Ok, so it doesn't explain how I got where I am, but I ran with the idea anyways. As usual names have been changed to protect the guilty. I'm sure I'm missing all sorts of stuff, like when I met most of my long time friends, but my memory is failling as I grow old and somethings are just beyond my ability to remember. I was going to add all the wedding and births as well, but then this would get rediculously long. I also only put when the Demon came and went, rather than listing her as a girlfriend at any point. I also skiped Jinx, my girlfriend of one week (seemed kind of pointless to include). Still, it lets me look at things and know just how much time has passed since they happened, and will be a big help when I finally organize my huge amount of photos in my nightstand. Hope you all enjoyed.

Peace.

Memory block

2007-10-12T08:27:00.000-04:00

I've been working on a timeline of my life for the blog, just because I'm trying to figure out how it is I've gotten to where I am in my life, and what I've found is that so much of my life seems to blur together. I forget what years things happened in. I'll think of something and it seems like it should have just been a few years ago, only to realize that it had to have been like 10 or more years now. It's scary to learn that you've been around long enough to have been out of school for 16 years. Also I seem to keep shuffling memories, trying to figure out which event happened first. What years was the Demon in my life? How long did I date this person or that person? When did this person die? I feel horrible for forgetting some of this stuff. I always knew that my memory wasn't that good, but boy has it gone downhill the last few years.
Or maybe that was 10 years ago too.....

Everythings coming up roses...

2007-10-04T01:30:00.001-04:00

With the occasional thorn.
So on the first day of my two days off I'm out driving, have a lot of stuff I want to do and take care of, and so of course my car blows up on the highway. I guess a hose from the radiator blew out, which should be easy to fix, except when I finally get someone to come out (Of course I have no cell and the nearest place with a phone is almost 2 miles walking distance away) the car still keeps overheating, which means something other than the hose is wrong. So now I'm carless for a bit. Which isn't the world destroyer it would have been usually, since I work at night I can borrow my folks car to at least go to work. It just means that I'm house locked during the day, and folks... cabin fever didn't take long to set in.
This is the second time my car's died in the last two weeks, wonder if thats a sign?
Anyways, other than that things are still going good, although I'm not sure how I'm paying for the car if it needs major work, guess I'll have to put off a ring payment for a bit. Seems like just when I'm making good money all these bills jump out of the woodwork. Pay off the ring, Save for the wedding, save for an apartment, Christmas, Get a passport, Need new winter clothes, save for Babushka's friends visit, All the usual bills (car, electric, gas, phone/cable/comp), Insurance). How the heck did I manage to live a whole year without a job? Or for that matter how did I do it when I was making almost half of what I do now while I was in retail for all those years?
But all this is petty stuff in the end. I am happy being engaged, have good people in my life, and for the most part don't mind my work (although still waiting on the benifits!).
Well, I can't sleep, so maybe I'll go sort some of my bottomless pit o pictures for now. They take up my entire nightstand. I used to be such a camera whore. Seems like so long ago that I took most of them though, maybe I need to get started annoying people with my camera again. Everyone used to hate me with that thing, although then they all wanted copies of the pictures once they saw them. Go figure. Maybe I'll find a better one of me for my profile even, a more recent one that doesn't make me look like Orca the killer whale. Of course, that might be hard to find. Oh well.
Hope everyones doing great.
Peace.

Tool

2007-10-02T19:20:00.000-04:00

And the angel of the lord came unto me.
snatching me up from my place of slumber,
and took me on High,
and higher still until we moved through the spaces betwixt the air itself.
and he brought me into a
Vast farmland of our own midwest.
and as we descended, cries of impending doom arose from the Soil.
one thousand, nay, a million voices full of fear.
and terror possessed me then. and I begged:
’angel of the lord, what are these tortured screams? ’
and the angel said unto me:
’these are the cries Of the carrots. the cries of the carrot. you see, reverend maynard, tomorrow is harvest day, and to Them, it is the holocaust.’
and I sprang from my slumber drenched in sweat with the tears of one million
Terrified brothers and roared:
’hear me now, I have seen the light. they have a consciousness! they Have a life! they have a soul. damn you! let the rabbits wear glasses. save our brothers. can I get an Amen. can I get a haleluia. thank you, jesus.’

My Wedding Song

2007-09-26T22:13:00.000-04:00

Jack Johnson: Better Together

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,
our dreams, and they are made out of real things
like a shoebox of photographs
with sepia-toned loving

Love is the answer
at least for most of the questions in my heart, like
Why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
sometimes life can be deceiving

I'll tell you one thing,
it's always better when we're together

Mmmm, It's always better when we're together
Yeah we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments
just might find their way into my dreams tonight,
But I know that they’ll be gone
when the morning light sings
and brings new things
for tomorrow night you see
that they’ll be gone too,
too many things I have to do

But if all of these dreams might find their way
into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two,
Just me and you,
Not so many things we got to do
or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree, now,

Yeah It's always better when we're together
Mmmm, we're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together

I believe in memories
they look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
you look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
There is no, no song I could sing
and there is no combination of words I could say
but I will still tell you one thing

We're Better together

Sad thoughts...

2007-09-22T15:43:00.000-04:00

So my Babushka was saying that right now she currently has like 7 people she wants in her bridal party. That got me thinking about my freinds and who I would want, and that gave me quite a jolt when I thought about it. Seems like my network of close friends has kidn of disintegrated over the last few years without me even really noticing. I mean les see:

Bro...Lives in bOregon and may/may not be able to come to wedding.
Lil Sis...Is planning on moving out of state and not sure where going to.
Kells Bells...Is planning on moving out of state and not sure where going to.
Bm&Family...All's good, just wish I could see them more.
Midget&Amazonia...All's good, just wish I could see them more.
Isis&Ant...Ant is now living with her pop in Georgia, and Isis doesn't talk to me now that she's remarried.
Brendragon...Is in Denver. Heard from twice since wedding.
Heaven...Hasn't talked to me since having child 4 years ago.
Boston...Is still in Boston, we talk ever few months.
Ug...Lives in Maine, not sure if will be able to come to wedding.
Kazzmaster...Have seen once since High school, only talk by occasional e-mail.
Egoman...No contact in several years.
Mrs.Mac...All's good, just wish I could see her more.
Demon&Family...No real contact in almost 3 years.
Jamester...Living in New Mehico. Not sure if will be at wedding.
J$...Living in San Damn Diego. Not sure if will be able to make wedding.
EFFXB...Only contact is through infrequent e-mails.

Juts a few years ago we used to joke that when I got married I'd have more friends than family there. Now it seems like I don't even have enough people to fill in my side of the wedding party. Maybe 2 years will change that for the better, but I'm just not sure.

Work

2007-09-19T00:16:00.000-04:00

So they keep delaying the whole permanent hiring thing here at Yale, which is starting to get frustrating. I missed going to my friend Brenenenea's wedding in Denver for the sake of the interview, and here it is months later and still no word. We keep getting stuff about - oh, any day now, we just have to make decisions abotu the Bayer facility we bought first, oh we want to hire a few new causals to replace the ones that will be going full time first....ect. Now the problem is that we casuals don't get benifits, wich means that at this point I've been without benifits for almost 2 years now (out of work for a while, then here without them). There are 4 of us on my shift that have been waiting for this, and some of them need the benifits even more than I do. Yet Yale keeps jerking us around because they don't have any real guidelines for hiring. I wouldn't mind so much if they didn't keep telling us any day now, just say that it won't be for a while and be honest so I can stop waiting for it. I can liev with it being a year, which wouldn't be till Jan for me, if you didn't keep offering me false hope evey few weeks. Ug.
I so hope I don't get too sick or injured any time soon (knocks on wood).

Give me a clue....

2007-09-12T03:44:00.000-04:00

Ok folks, I have a favor to ask. I'm looking for non-traditional wedding songs. Now the wedding isn't going to be for like 2 years or so, but I like seeng to details like this well in advance. I'm not interested in the usual overplayed songs that you seem to hear at every single wedding. I have no wish to hear Whitney Houston's I will always love you, or Bryan Adam's Everything I do I do for you. There will be no Chicken Dance or Macarana either. I like just about everything, other than Rap music. We'll be having Elvis, the Cure, Bare Naked Ladies, Beach Boys, Jack Johnson, ELO, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Beatles, Indigo Girls, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Colbie Caillat, Sarah Brightman, Anna Nalick, Garth Brooks, They Might Be Giants, and the Platters amoung others.
So if you can think of something that is a love song but not one that is overplayed please let me know.

OMG, this year just keeps getting better.

2007-09-10T01:03:00.000-04:00

http://cthulhuthemovie.com/

It looks like they may have finally made a GOOD movie based on the works of Lovecraft!
Between this, King's 1408, and King's coming November movie the Mist, this year has more movies out that I want to see than the last few years combined.

My pause for a moment

2007-09-07T09:03:00.000-04:00

So I was coming out of work on Thursday morning. It was about 8 am. I had just finished working a double, in fact I had worked 24 hours out of the last 32 and was running on 2 hours of sleep for that time. I had just dropped off the keys at our base and was walking outside to my car.
I paused. The sky was empty, yet there must have been a cloud over the sun because everything seemed tinged with grey. There was no sounds, which is unheard of at 8am on a weekday in New Haven. But no cars or animals or people were making any noise for this few moments. Everything just seemed muted. Maybe it was just my sleep deprived mind but my own movements seemed both sluggish and yet overly fast (if you've ever watched the remake of Dawn of the Dead, think of the part after the truck crashes during thier escape when the girl is confronted by Steve the d*ckhead having been zombified).
It was seriously like something out of a horror movie. I half expected to see either someone standing in the shadows beside the wall watching me or someone slowly shambling down the street towards me.
I LOVE moments like this. I thought I wouldn't have them anymore since we moved. Back in Northford there were times when I would go to get the mail and everthing would be so silent and unmoving that you'd swear that you were the only person left on earth. It'd be like something horrible had happened and everyone else was dead, and yet still you'd feel watched.
So I stopped there in the street for a moment, enjoying the feeling of it all.
hen a garbage truck turned the corner and it was all ruined. But at least it was there.
Ahhhhh..... Horror movies.

I never could wait...

2007-08-30T21:26:00.001-04:00

She said Yes.

For Cthulhu's sake, your just NOT funny!

2007-08-30T00:19:00.001-04:00

Why is it that early morning radio sucks so bad? Every channel is filled with inane hosts who seem to believe that they are just the funny group of people know to mankind? All the sophmoric humor, the phony crank calls, they pointless jokes and one liners, the toilet humor and unamusing stories. I just get so sick of all of them and thier crap. I blame Howard Stern for this wave of bad imitators, while he could at least raise a smile once and a while he began a trend of wanna be comedians on talk radio. I listen to the radio either for music or news, not to hear folks who idea of humor is trying desperatly to make fun of the celebrity of the week. Just shut up and play some songs so I don't have to listen to your pointless pratter. They're just not funny, they make me sick. Alwys some guy and girl combo forcing laughter as if anyone cares about what they're going on and on about. Ug, thank (insert diety of your choice) for Cd players and Ipods and Mp3's.

Countdown

2007-08-27T12:03:00.001-04:00

6 Days till change happens. I'm kind of nervous, I'm not a big fan of change in my life, but keep your fingers crossed for me ok?

Phew

2007-08-22T07:37:00.000-04:00

Holy Shit.
Now I'm not usually one to swear here in blogland, but this morning I thought I was getting fired. Leave it to me to find a great job: the type that pays well but could be done by a trained monkey, is actually fun, and nobody seems to get in trouble for anything; and then do maybe the one mistake that they would let you go for. I lost a set of keys to one of the buildings. I went into full panic mode for about an hour, spent all that time either searching or talking to the boss, and feeling like the world's biggest moron. Fortunatly for me the driver who uses my vehicle once I'm off the road (I drive for transit most of the night.) found the keys under the passenger side seat. How the heck they got from my left pocket to under the passenger seat is beyond me, but I so owe that man a case of beer.
So other than that life is good, and barring anymore boneheaded screw-ups it's should stay that way for now.
Peace.

Simple pleasures

2007-08-19T14:29:00.000-04:00

I'm so happy! I found a little bar/restaurant just down the street that makes some AWSOME Buffalo Tenders! I so love them. And the place delivers! Oh, yeah. I'm gonna abuse this place. Ok, so maybe the move wasn't all that bad after all.

Music suggestion for the day:
Colbie Caillat-Bubbly

Insomnia

2007-08-15T06:54:00.000-04:00

Why do my dreams haunt me so? They drive me from sleep and leave me empty inside. People, places, and things long gone. Alive only in my mind and memory. Ghost of those long dead or just gone from my life, spirits of things that once were but now arn't. Voices, whispering in the dark of my room. Shadows that lack substance yet seem to solidify before my closed eyes. I juth wto...I Jush watoo..
...CNetrate...
...Focus...

Why does my mind continue to drive me from rest? I just want to lie down, close my eyes and accept oblivion. No visions. Just silence and darkness, forever.

From Round Table: Definition of "Crazy Monkey Sex"

2007-08-12T01:19:00.000-04:00

Definition:
Crazy Monkey Sex-
Bed has moved at least 3 feet in either direction from origional position.
Both parties are covered in sweat and other bodily fluids.
Eyes are crossed.
Woman has hickeys on neck, nipples, and inner thieghs.
Cannot feel her legs.
Man has nail scratches on back and bite marks on shoulders.
Is drained so dry unable to even pee.
At least one pillow ripped.
All undergarments missing or torn beyond recognition.
Sheets need to be washed.
Rug must be shampooed.
Walls and ceiling need spackle and paint.
Neighbor has called police about noise.
Night stand knocked over.
Bed support board cracked.
Stuffed animal that had been on the bed until thrown out of the way is having a cigarette.
God, whether believed in or not, has been called upon numorously.
Unfortunatly, if he did check in he left the room blushing.

Pet Peeves

2007-08-09T07:03:00.000-04:00

I really hate when my work screws up my check. I sould have gotten a little over $600 due to the overtime last week. Instead my check is for just above $500. Now, I know I'll get the money, hopefully in next weeks paycheck, but I could have used it this week since I didn't get a paycheck last week due to vacation. Also, by adding it to next week, on top of the overtime I'm doing for that check, will put me in the next tax bracket, so I'll lose more to taxes than I should.
Grrr......

Bored

2007-08-07T02:45:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here at work on the comp. There are just no calls tonight and so I'm insanely bored. Unlike some of my co-workers I prefer when we're somewhat busy, it makes the night go so much quicker. I'm also tired from the overtime I've been working. Staying late the last few days and working through my days off just leaves me ready to fall over.
In good news Babushka sneaked over yesterday, so I actually got to cuddle for a while. Never underestimate the healing qualities of cuddling.
I'm setting up, or at least trying to, visiting times with friends for next week once I get a paycheck under my belt and can actually go somewhere other than work. Having no life and no money doesn't help with the bordem of my life this week.
the good thing is that with the folks away the evil bitch sister hasn't tried to call the house. Normally she calls about 3-4 times a day tring to get ahold of my Mum, but with them in Canada she seems to understand that I'd rather see her dead than talk to her. If she bumps off before they come back I'm going to tell the state to just drop her in a pit and not bother me with this crap. Have you ever had someone that you just truly wished was dead?
Anyways, I'm off to continue reading (currently reading Terry Pratchett's the Science of Discworld, an amusing book that both tells a funny story and explains some serious advanced science.). Hope everyone is doing good, Peace.

100 Best Movie Quotes? I beg to differ....

2007-08-03T16:13:00.000-04:00

This was a post I orgionally did over at the Round Table, but felt like giving the qustion to all of you over here too. First, check out the link.

http://www.afi.com/tvevents/100years/quotes.aspx

The list that you'll see if you follow the above link is AFI's 100 best movie quotes of all time. While I do admit that they are good quotes, I think they missed some.
So here's my list of quotes that should have been added to the list.:

Princess Bride: My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die.
Pulp fiction: No, I'm pretty fucking far from OK
Willy Wanka and the Chocolate Factory: Wait, take that, reverse it, thank you.
13th Warrior: Merciful Father, I have squandered my days with plans of many things. This was not among them. But at this moment, I beg only to live the next few minutes well. For all we ought to have thought, and have not thought; all we ought to have said, and have not said; all we ought to have done, and have not done; I pray thee God for forgiveness.
Aliens: That's it, man. Game over, man! Game over!
Apocalypse Now: I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
Army of Darkness: Alright you primitive screw-heads, listen up. See this? This is my boomstick!
Bachlor Party: I think you're an asshole. No, no, let me correct that, an immature asshole. Which is fine, except that you're marrying my daughter and I'm afraid that my grandchildren are gonna be little assholes.
Better Off Dead: Go that way, really fast; if something gets in your way . . . turn./[I]'m real sorry your mom blew up, Ricky./Two Dollars.
Big Labowski: You're not wrong, Walter! You're just an a**hole!
Blazing Saddles: Mongo only pawn in game of life.
Christmas Story: You'll shoot your eye out!
Die Hard: You asked for miracles, Theo. I give you the F.B.I.
Ferris Bueller's Day Off: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
Fish Called Wanda: to call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you! I've worn dresses with higher I.Q.s!
Ghostbusters: We came. We saw. We kicked its ass!
Last Dragon: Who's the Master? Sho'Nuff
Mad Max, Beyond Thunderdome: Two men enter, one man leaves.
Stripes: There's something wrong with us! Something very, very wrong with us! Something seriously wrong with us! We're soldiers, but we're American soldiers! We've been kicking ass for 200 years! We're 10-and-1!
2010: I don't know if Hal is homicidal, suicidal, neurotic, psychotic, or just plain broken.
Jaws: You're gonna need a bigger boat./ Anti-shark cage. You go inside the cage? Cage goes in the water, you go in the water. Shark's in the water. Our shark. Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we've received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again./
Finding Nemo: I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine and he shall be my squishy.
Batman: I've been dead once already, it's very liberating. You might think of it as therapy.

Thats all I can think of right now.
So what would be your favorites that they didn't put on the list?

A little stuff of stuff

2007-08-03T13:12:00.000-04:00

So my folks are off to Canada for 2 weeks, which leaves me alone at home. Unfortunatly Babushka will be working most of it so I don't get to see her much for the 2 weeks. Still at least the house will be quiet for a while.
The overtime at work sucks, but I need the money. We've had break ins at a few of the collages, so we have to patrol them. Which isn't bad, except if your out of shape and not used to walking for 8 hours straight. My legs hate me right now.
I still haven't unpacked from the trip. I hate unpacking. I figure as I need things I'll wear them then wash them and then put them away.
I've got almost no money and I don't get paid till next Thursday. This is going to be an interesting week for me. At least theres plenty of food here. But gas may become a problem at some point.
To answer Dreams comment, yes I did like Blaze. It is a litttle like The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon, but I liked that too so maybe you shouldn't go by my answer.
Hope everyone's doing good.
Peace.

Dang

2007-08-01T06:46:00.000-04:00

I missed a new Steven King story! Aparently July's issue of Esquire Magazine (which came out June 15) had a short story writen by King in it! I didn't even know about it! Arrgg! Now I've got to go hit a bunch of magazine stores and see if any of them have a month old copy of Esquire sitting around! Dang it!
Yeah, I'm taking it hard, but since the next King book dosen't hit shelves till January and I finished his last one Blaze while in Canada I have nothing new to read right now, which to me justifies me being upset about missing this one.
I even finished the newest by Clive Cussler (another of my favorite writers.). These people need to start writing faster!

Vacation

2007-07-29T16:18:00.000-04:00

This is my cottage and the beach where I spent the 10 days of my vacation. The water's so clear you can go out over your head and still see the ground perfectly enough to watch the minnows swim. I so wish it could have been longer. We've finally finished the transaction with my Uncle so that the cottage is wholly owned by my folks, which means we don't have to worry about anyone trying to sell it. I was up with my 2 cousins, Babushka, and one of my cousins girlfreinds. It was nice, but next year I think maybe it'll just be me and Babushka alone. It's just hard to have private time when there's three other people in the place.

There's just something nice about being in a place where women where bikini's all the time.

A light flickers, then comes on....

2007-07-28T18:47:00.000-04:00

Chair creeks as it is sit upon...
A quick blow off, sending a small dust cloud in the air....

Ah.... seems like it's been a while since last I stopped in here. Life's been moving along nicely for me. Work is good, I just came back from vacation, and somewhere in my mind I felt the tug of an old urge. So here I am again. Will it be permanently back or just a visit? Who knows. As the AA folks say, One day at a time. Or is that the AAA folks? Eh.
I'll try and get around to all my old blogger freinds and say hi maybe tom. But for now it just feels nice to streatch the old fingers and pound the old keys.
Hope everyone's been doing good the last few months.
Peace.

Taking some time off

2007-04-19T11:17:00.000-04:00

Well, I seem to be seriously neglecting this blog of mine. I think that time has come for me to take an extended break from it. I'm not going to delete it, for I may be back at some point. But for now life just isn't giving me the time to keep it up. I hope everyone is doing good and I'll check in when I have a chance.
Peace with all of you.
Jeff

and so little time....

2007-04-11T09:41:00.000-04:00

Well with just a day over a week till we have to be out it feels like there is still so much to do. The dumpster arrives today, and we'll have it till the end. A good amount of our furniture is going in it since the folks are buying mostly new stuff. The new furniture arrives on Friday. Whats not being chucked is getting moved this weekend, as we'll borrow my Bro-in Laws truck to haul it over to the new place.
While a good portion of my belongings are already there (except for clothes, 2 comic boxes, and DVD's) my folks seem to be just starting to pack. This drives me nuts. They're running around like chickens without heads trying to figure out why there's so much to do, but they waited till the last week to even begin packing. UG! Serious lack of forsight.
Also, they just seemed to have realized that they have to notify a whole lot of places about the move. While I took care of the Cable/Phone/Comp (cause thats in my name and I pay it, so I called them 2 weeks ago and set up times for the switchover) they still have to contact the Gas...Electric...Post office...Credit Cards...Car Payments...DMV...and several others. Yet my Mom is so busy running up to spend time with my oldest bitch sister (who just got served her divorce papers, her second failed marriage. Hey I just realized, she failed at everything. She's a crappy sister, a crappy kid, a crappy wife and a crappy mother. Heh, and she always said I was the failure of the family.) thats she doesn't have time to do anything. I'd do it, but since my names not on the bills I can't.
Work goes good. I'm driving 5 days a week now. Also the Poet is trying to get transfered to night security, and my Cuz is trying to get hired to security. It would be great to get them both on there.
Babushka is still not sure what she wants to do about her schooling. I wish I had more answers for her, but all I can do is listen and hug. Hope that'll be enough. If not I can also take a baseball bat to some of the morons she's dealing with.
The Demons Mother and older Sister have asked a mutal freind to get them my new address and phone number. Hmmmm.....
Still trying to save for the Denver wedding trip, but it's not going as good as I would like due to the move. If I can't manage to scrap up some more money soon I'm afraid I may not be able to afford the trip. I don't like the idea of backing out, I so want to see Brendragon get married.
My Lil Sis is having to get tests on a cyst on her overies to see if it's cancerous. Also my little Kells Bells has to go for back surgery. And I haven't been able to get ahold of my Sharebear for over 2 months now. I also haven't gotten to see/hear from Boston, Bm and the Hottie, or Roe-Roe. Far too much to worry about while the move is going on.

Stress? What stress?

best line tonight, a quote from Pulp Fiction:
'No, I'm pretty F*cking far from OK.'

Easter Questions?

2007-04-08T07:41:00.000-04:00

Ok, so Good Friday is a celebration of the death of Christ, and Easter is a celebration of his resurrection. Yet somewhere in my memory I thought there was 3 days between his death and ressurection? Does that mean it should either be Good Thursday or Easter Monday?
Also, Why do the christians think that the Easter Bunny has anything to do with Christ's Ressurection? Despite what Rhode Island State Rep. Richard Singleton may think, the Easter Bunny has NOTHING to do with Christianity. It was a Pagan symbol of spring that the christians stole when they couldn't get the pagans to stop worshiping it (much like Santa and Halloween).

Anyways, I hope everyone has a great Easter, wether you celebrate it for Christ's rebirth, the arrival of spring, or just an excuss to eat chocolate. Remember to spend time with family and loved ones, eat lots of food, eat even more chocolate, and act like a bunny by humping your brains out.
Peace.

Meme

2007-03-29T07:36:00.000-04:00

Ganked shamelessly from Brendragon.

Go to Wikipedia and type in your Birthday month and day only. (Mine is March 18)

List 3 Events that occurred that day:
(1) 3952 BC - According to the Venerable Bede, the world was created
(2) 1922 - In India, Mohandas Gandhi is sentenced to six years in prison for civil disobedience. (3) 1965 - Cosmonaut Aleksei Leonov, leaving his spacecraft Voskhod 2 for 12 minutes, becomes the first person to walk in space

List 2 Important Birthdays (besides mine!):
(1) 1877 - Edgar Cayce, American psychic (d. 1945)
(2) 1909 - Ernest Gallo, American winemaker (d. 2007)

List 1 Death:
(1) 2001 - John Phillips, American musician (The Mamas and the Papas) (b. 1935)

List a Holiday or Observance. (if any):
(1) . Mothers Day (Ireland, United Kingdom, Nigeria)

Tuesday Random 10, and a quote

2007-03-27T08:48:00.000-04:00

1. Where Did You Go - Mighty Mighty Bosstones
2. After the Glitter Fades - Stevie Nicks
3. Sugar Magnolia - Greatful Dead
4. Heaven is So Far Away - Offspring
5. Bottle of Wine - Fireballs
6. Inmates (We're all Crazy)- Alice Cooper
7. 25 Minutes to Go - Johnny Cash
8. Godzilla - Blue Oyster Cult
9. After Hours - Velvet Underground
10. F You, I'm Drunk - Flogging Molly

And a quote from english writer Terry Pratchett:

Now consider the tortoise and the eagle.
The tortoise is a ground-living creature. It is impossible to live nearer the ground without being under it. Its horizons are a few inches away. It has about as good a turn of speed as you need to hunt down a lettuce. It has survived while the rest of evolution flowed past it by being, on the whole, no threat to anyone and too much trouble to eat.
And then there is the eagle. A creature of the air and high places, whose horizons go all the way to the edge of the world. Eyesight keen enough to spot the rustle of some small and squeaky creature half a mile away. All power, all control. Lightning death on wings. Talons and claws enough to make a meal of anything smaller than it is and at least take a hurried snack out of anything bigger.
And yet the eagle will sit for hours on the crag and survey the kingdoms of the world until it spots a distant movement and then it will focus, focus, focus on the small shell wobbling among the bushes down there on the desert. And it will leap . . .
And a minute later the tortoise finds the world dropping away from it. And it sees the world for the first time, no longer one inch from the ground but five hundred feet above it, and it thinks: what a great friend I have in the eagle.
And then the eagle lets go.
And almost always the tortoise plunges to its death. Everyone knows why the tortoise does this. Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off. No one knows why the eagle does this. There's good eating on a tortoise but, considering the effort involved, there's much better eating on practically anything else. It's simply the delight of eagles to torment tortoises.
But of course, what the eagle does not realize is that it is participating in a very crude form of natural selection.
One day a tortoise will learn how to fly.

These are the People in my Neighborhood: Poet&Dreamer

2007-03-09T20:17:00.000-05:00

I first met Poet through my Bro. They both went to Staven school together, and met due to a Wolverine T-shirt.

Poet was soft spoken, very thoughtful, and extremely shy. When there was a group of us he always seemed to get lost in the shuffle, sometimes on purpose. During one of the many parties at my Bro's house it wasn't unusual to find Poet sitting out back by himself writing his poems by moonlight.

At first he was just one of the folks that I'd see whenever I'd visit down there. There was quite a group, and since I didn't go that often there was a limit to how close I'd get to them. They were my Bro's friends, not necessarily mine. But somewhere along the way that changed for some of them. Poet was such a one. I started to occasionally go down to visit him at his house when my Bro wasn't around. We'd walk down to the beach and sit and watch the waves and talk about comics and girls and life in general.

It was just before my Bro moved to bOregon that Poet met Dreamer. She was his first real girlfriend, the first time he came out of his shell enough, perhaps, to allow himself to believe he could have one (much like myself, the Poet was often a self-defeating person when it came to our outtakes on life. Good things happen, to others that is.). Unfortunately there was some bad vibes between the two of them and my Bro's lady, Patties. By the time my Bro left they weren't talking much, which seemed a shame considering how close they'd been.

I stayed in touch with Poet after my Bro was gone. He moved out on his own with Dreamer and I would go visit sometimes. But if there was one thing that Poet had in common with my Bro it was a major faliure in keeping in touch with people. One day I went to call and got a "this number is no longer in service message'. When I went to visit, they had moved.

10 years passed. Occasionally I'd hear rumors about how Poet and Dreamer were doing from friends who saw him. But I was kinda annoyed at how he'd failed to keep in touch and didn't follow up. Perhaps in time I might have, or maybe if things had been different this post would never have been written.

But then my Bro's Dad, Big B, passed away. Bro came back from bOregon, and we all went to the funeral. And who should turn up but Poet. Standing outside the funeral while they all had a smoke it was just like old times. The conversation picked up as if they happened yesterday. As we left there that night Poet admitted that he had missed having us all in his life, but had held back because he wasn't sure how we felt about him anymore. To which he learned that when it comes to me and Bro, once a Friend always a Friend.

Bro and I ended up going to Poet and Dreamers wedding a month or so later. He also helped talk his Dad into getting me into Yale along with him. Which in many ways is what has currently turned my life around. None of that would have happened if not for Big B passing, so you get the feeling that at least some good came out of his death after all. (also, Bro moved back here for good, which is another good things to come from Big B.).

While I haven't gotten to talk to him much since we both started at Yale (we work differant shifts) I am glad that I have my friend and his lovely lady back in my life. It's been a pleasure getting to know Dreamer, who is much like Poet in being soft spoken yet still much more outgoing than he. She is an old world Deadhead/Phish follower. An avid Stephen King fan too. Between his comic collecting and her horror novels I feel right at home at their house.

Time can cause a lot of things, but a good friendship never fully dies away.

And the days they move so fast

2007-03-02T07:28:00.000-05:00

So Wednesday I took Babushka to the Butterfly Museum in Deerfield Ma. We had a great time despite some minor setbacks (my camera died after just 4 pictures! After almost 16 years of service! WTF!?!) Thay have around 4000 butterflys in an area about 8000 sq feet. It was very nice and relaxing (it's hard to be stressed with a butterfly landing on your arm.)
I've laos finally gotten my IRS money, which meant that I was able to go online and purchase tickets to see Phantom of the Opera in April. We used to go see at least one Broadway play a year until I was out of work, so I thought I'd restart the tradition.
Next up is for BS to send me a list of hotels in her area so I can book the trip to her wedding in Denver for June. It's at a renisaunce fair (yeah, I spelled that wrong). I'll be walking around drinking mead and eating a fried turkey leg. Heh heh.
The house is sold. We have to be out by March 26th. This sucks. 27 years here. I was orgionally planning on moving out and gtting my own place when the house sold, but my Pops came and asked if I could move in with them and help with thier bills at least at first till they get everything settled, so my own place is on hold for now.
Next up is going out and getting more boxes. Although most of my stuff is already packed there is still the stuff that I use, as well as all of my folks stuff that they haven't even started to pack.
So thats how things are. Hope you're all doing good and I'll check in this weekend if I can.
Peace.

Peek-a-boo

2007-02-25T13:38:00.000-05:00

Due to work and my current sleeping schedual I have been severly ignoring this blog. I am soory, and hope to correct that situation soon. Please bear with me.

Updates

2007-02-13T16:31:00.000-05:00

So far so good with the job, although driving for 8 hours straight a night sure takes a chunck out of me. I slept 9 hours yesterday, which those who know me should be amazed considering how little I normally sleep.
Babushka is sick with a fever, which mean V-day will be postponed this year. I did give her her aquamarine earings already, but she's going to have to wait to learn about her other gift. I'm going to buy tickets for us to go see either Phantom of the Opera or Lion King on broadway in May. I'll let her decided wich she'd like to see.
My cuz has had her baby. He's adorable and she's happy because she's already begun to reclaim her ankles.
Waiting for my tax return to come. It won't be much since I didn't work much last year, but it should be enough for me to finally open a savings account. Now if the dang government would only hurry things up.....
Speaking of that, why is it that we are required to do our taxes yet the government makes it so dang hard to get the forms? The local libraries don't have any of the federal forms and the post office doesn't carry them anymore. I had to go steal some from a H&R block type place. If they want us to file then they should have to mail the forms to us.
A big welcome back to Alexk, who has returned from a year long hiatis. Can't wait to hear what the snarky-one has been up to.
Anyways, I'm off to get some sleep. Tonight should be interesting with the storm moving in. Not sure how thats going to affect driving in New Haven. Hopefully all the students will stay home tonight.
Peace.

Oh, and as a added bonus, for those of you who have a bit of sick and twistedness in thier souls check out: skary.net and watch the theatre. Truly wonderfully disturbing stuff.

"Now it all seems funny, Kind of like a dream"

2007-02-09T04:15:00.000-05:00

So it's been a bad week for my little Babushka. She's done with school for this semester (not going into detail, lets just say it's not a good thing.). She's spent the week with me since I'm good at making her laugh.
Work goes ok, but I'm worried about next week. They want me to be a driver, and I just don't know the city very good. As a driver we will pick up anyone who works for the university or any of the university students and drive them from anywhere inside the university grounds to anywhere inside the university grounds. The problem is that the university covers the majority of the city. I'm supposed to go it alone on Sunday night, so we'll see how that goes. The biggest worry is that some of the area we have to cover isn't on the maps they give us. Why do I have a bad feeling about this.
Due to being out of work for a year my paychecks are gone as fast as I get them. At some point I'll start having money again, but for now it's a game of catchup. Fortunatly they should keep coming longer than the bills will last. The trick is to not spend any of it uncessarily just yet (except when it comes to comics or books. They are necessities.).

I haven't had much time for blogging lately, which I feel bad about. But until I get used to the overnight schedual (which keeps changing. At first I was 9pm-5am, now I'm 11pm-7am, except on weekends where I'm 12am-8am.) Everything else will have to wait. I hope your all doing good and I"ll try and get some blog time soon. Keep smiling and as always: Peace.

Me and other me

2007-01-31T06:48:00.000-05:00

So I was driving home from work (which is going very well, thank you) and I realized that I was talking to myself. Like, not just talking out loud but actually carrying on a full conversation where I was both sides.

Me: Another day gone by.
Me: Yep, but you still have a full day ahead of you.
Me: Huh? What do I have to do today?
Me: Well, your supposed to be taking Mrs. Mac to the doctors, then it's off to see Babushka.
Me: Oh yeah, I forgot. What time is the Doc?
Me: Well, shes got to be there at 3:45, so you should be at her house by 3:15 at the latest.

Now I always remember in school them saying that people talking to themselves was a sign of insanity. So I tell myself to stop it. But instead of stopping I start talking to myself about whether or not I'm losing it.

Me: Isn't talking to yourself a sign of madness?
Me: Used to be.
Me: So does that mean I'm gone off the deep end?
Me: No, at least I don't think so.
Me: Then why the heck am I doing it?
Me: Well, probably just because your tired and need sleep.
Me: So it's ok then?
Me: For now, but don't make a habit of it.

So I'm putting it down to being overtired. Feels wierd when you catch yourself doing things like that. Wouldn't suprise me in the least if I'm going bannanas. But for now I'll accept the whole tired thing. Think it's time for bed. Ok?
Yeah, that sounds good. But don't forget to set the alarm.
What time do you think?
Well if you have to be up for....

Damn.

DAMMIT!

2007-01-28T01:43:00.000-05:00

So Blogger gave me no choice about switching. They wouldn't let me in to the blog anymore unless I changed it to thier new version. But what gets me most is they forced me to combine all of my blogs!
Yea, I had 2 sets of blogs going.
Blind Idiot God, Into the Mythos, and Round Table were my regular blogs, under the Azathoth name.
I also had 2 other blogs, Arkham Asylum and Between the Comic Book Covers that are just about comic books and they were done under my Inmate666 name.
But now thanks to blogger I've been forced to put them all together. And of course when they combined them they decided that the main name to use would be the Inmate666 one, which has only been around for a few months, instead of the Azathoth100 which has been going for over 2 years now! So I lost my profile and had to redo the whole thing!
Ok, so it's not the end of the world, but I just don't like being annoyed like this. Also it's late and I'm tired so I'm being a bit more irratble than normal. I have to try and get my sleep schedual on track for starting night shift tommorow night.
Hope everyone's ok and I'll post/comment as soon as I can.
Peace.

In the Dark of the Night......

2007-01-26T02:06:00.000-05:00

I should be sleeping.
It's 2am and I need be up at 5 for work. But Sleep and I are fighting right now so instead I'll post whatever wierd thoughts may be in my head at 2am on a dark and windy night.

Peace and farewell to the Lone Rangers who has decided to curtail his blogging. His was a fun blog to read, where honesty and laughter abounded. He'll be missed and I can but hope that perhaps at some point he may reconsider, even if just becoming a part-time blogger. Yet I hope to start a bi-monthly horror movie night soon, so mayhaps I havne't heard the last from him.

They are switching me to night shift as of next week. Aparently I'm off the part-time thing, I'm at 39 hours this week and 40 next. I have to go in at 9:30 Sunday night. So far things go smoothly, yet thier training methods prove confusing to me. They've been training me at posts that arn't open at night, which means once I am on nights they will have to train me all over again. Wierd.

I got my first paycheck today. It's the first one in almost a year. While it isn't a huge check it will allow me to take Babushka out to lunch saturday to celebrate and thank her for all her support over the last year. She so rules.

I found an awsome T-shirt. It reads: Zombie in Training. I so wish they had it in my size. Maybe once this job does it's side work of helping me lose wieght I can get one that fits.

We all have many good memories of life, but what makes me wonder is how many of those memories have to do with sex that we've had? I mean, even after years there are still some instances of sex that I can still think back on fondly, even if the relationship is long gone and ended badly. I've talked with other people and they say that when they think back on things they rarely think of the sex they've had. They have a hard time remembering specific things. It's just sex in general and while they can say they had a blast (pun intended) they can't really remember many details that stick out (pun intended). Maybe I'm just wierd. Yet if I think back I can remember things like a look on a face, they way it felt, touches and movements and sighs and stuff. I can remember whole sexual encounters quite vividly. Am I alone in this? Does this mean that those who I've made love too remember only that we have slept together and never think fondly of those encounters?
Yeah, it's 2am and I'm thinking oddly ain't I?

Still waiting for the library to get in the new Clive Cussler book, Treasure of Kahn. At this rate I'll be able to buy it with my next paycheck before they get a copy avaliable for me. I put a hold on it three weeks ago. This is why I'll buy a book instead of going to a library, just to avoid the aggrivation.

Work needs to hurry up with my uniforms. While I do have nice clothes to wear after 7 years of dressing up in retail, the fact is most of those clothes are about 7 years old and don't look quite as nice as they once did.

Haven't been haging out with anyone much since work began. Just too damn tired. Once they get me on nights that should clear up, I hope.

I own way too much stuff for someone who only rents a room. I mean, most of it is knick-knacks, books and memorabilia, I only have 2 pieces of furniture to my name. How the heck did I acumilate all this? Am I that bad when it comes to not throwing stuff away? This isn't even mentioning my comic collection or this computer. Just way too much stuff.

I can't remember if the jewelry store owes me a W-2 form. I don't quite remember when exactly I got canned. Not that it would amount to much, but if I can even get a $50 tax return, well, all the money can help right? Crap.

My Bro may be leaving CT. He has to go back to bOregon to put his stuff in storage (the person who has been holding it for him is moving away) and I thought he was coming back after he did this, but now he's saying he wants to go visit his other brother in Santa Fe, NM. I know him and know that if he likes it he might just stay there. That just makes me sad, I like having the old boy around.

Ok, I gotta try for at least another hour or two of sleep tonight. Don't want to conk out at work, that just wouldn't look good.

Peace everyone.

Work and Ghosts of the Past

2007-01-22T16:39:00.000-05:00

So far so good. Of course my legs hurt like hell, but after being out of work for a year and then getting a job that requires me to walk all over New Haven thats to be expected and should diminish with time. So far all the folks I work with seem ok, they don't all get along and keep warning me about trusting other folks there, but they all have been good to me (as one guard put it: 'of course thier good to you, you look like you could throw them the length of New Haven'). Still waiting for my uniform to come in, and still don't have a schedual yet (they just tell me as I'm leaving when to come next, tomorrow I'm on from 6:30am to 2:30pm. Not exactly night shift, but I'll take any hours they can give me.) . I have a lot to learn, mostly about the city of New Haven. I don't know the streets or the buildings and thats about the biggest part of this job.

Of course my first day in downtown New Haven today and I run into both Heaven's father (I haven't seen her in about 3 1/2 years since she had her kid.) and then the Demon's mother (it's been around 3 years for her now. Mom seemed excited to see me. Not sure if thats a good thing.) What are the odds in a city that big?
(Burfica and Mom, stop singing 'it's a small world'!!!)

Anyways, hope everyone's doing good and I'll check blogs as soon as I get some down time.
Peace.

Update of Now

2007-01-19T11:34:00.000-05:00

So the job has started and so far so good. I'm not on the night shift yet, they're trainging me on days. But I should get to night soon because they desperatly need people.
Babushka is home, back in my arms where she belongs. She starts her new semester on Monday. This semester will be spent being a teachers assistant. Between our schedulas we might not get as much time together that we're used to. But we'll figure something out I'm sure.
Our own Bloggerland Dragon, Tiamat, is back to blogging after what seems like an eternal absence. Welcome back Tia.
Thanks to all of you for the support over the last few difficult weeks. It's nice to be back and fighting in the land again.
Peace.

Maybe's and Might-be's and Posibilities

2007-01-16T09:10:00.000-05:00

I start work tomarrow.
Babushka returns from Colombia on Wednesday.
Perhaps things are looking up.
Hope your all doing good.
Will be back (hopefully) soon.
Peace.

Resolutions

2007-01-03T00:38:00.000-05:00

1. Get a Job
2. Lose Weight
3. Stop being Depressed
4. Stop trying to stay friends with people who have no interest in being friends with me and who I haven't seen or heard from in years.
5. Save for a ring for Babushka
6. Start caring about my life
7. .......................

Sorry, still not feeling right in the head. I think I might take some time away from blogger for a bit till I can get rid of this depression. Hope everyone had a good holiday and great new year. Peace.

Just another low point

2006-12-27T01:20:00.000-05:00

Sleeping too much.
Being anti-social.
Feeling fat and slow and stupid.
Restless.
Feeling sad.

Depression sucks.

'Tis the Season

2006-12-24T01:21:00.000-05:00

To all of those who celebrate it... Merry Christmas.
To those who don't..... Enjoy the Season.
and to all
a good night.

Blind Idiot God

Looking Back, Looking Forward, and Looking Around

Believing

Fading Around

Updates and furture worries...

Time flies

Hecklers

Warm fuzzy feeling

Work

Kick 'em when their down

Anarchist

Weight

Age and Paths

Dreams

2010

Eating words & Top Ten X-mas

Time

Turkey Day

Sad

Quiet and Creepy

Peek-A-Boo

life

Attention

Meanings

Stag

Friday Random 10

The Lady: Babushka (aka Mrs. Azathoth)

The Ladies: pt.7 The Demon

The Ladies: pt.6 Jinx

The Ladies: pt.5 Heaven

The Ladies: pt.4 Rie-Rie

The Ladies: pt.3 Isis

The Ladies: pt.2 Eggy

The Ladies: pt.1 Meesha

The Ladies: pt.0 a Preview

Why

A brief update in passing

Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda

Work

Ongoing

Here Again

In the darkness, something stirs.....

One last blog

Shift change

10 Resolutions at the years end....

A Holiday Message....

Holiday miracle

It's the holiday season...

What a way to live

So much for the holidays...

Work

Giving Thanks

Please Hold...

*@&%@*@*!!! Computer!

On the Horizon, just past the glare of Thanksgiving...

Sleep? I so wish...

News

my Halloween Cd

How did I get here?

Memory block

Everythings coming up roses...

Tool

My Wedding Song

Sad thoughts...

Work

Give me a clue....

OMG, this year just keeps getting better.

My pause for a moment

I never could wait...

For Cthulhu's sake, your just NOT funny!

Countdown

Phew

Simple pleasures

Insomnia

From Round Table: Definition of "Crazy Monkey Sex"

Pet Peeves

Bored

100 Best Movie Quotes? I beg to differ....

A little stuff of stuff

Dang

@&%@@*!!! Computer!