life in pain

Having an ulcer sucks. There are whole weeks where I feel like I'm going to puke all the time. I do my best to hide it because anytime I say anything everyone gets all wierd on me. It doesn't normally come from eating food, I love my mexican and indian food and can eat it most of the time without it bothering me. Same with hot sauce (although orange juice and dijon mustard kill my stomach for some reason.). It's mostly when I'm stressed or worrying too much that the pain kicks in. But once it does I just swallow it and try and ignore it. I've had several times in my life when I've ended up throwing up blood and have even landed in the hospital once or twice over it. Sometimes I've even tried to force an ulcer attack, especially if I'm really depressed because at least the ulcer is a pain I know I can deal with. I've always joked that someday it will kill me and I'll go down with a jalepeno pepper in one hand and a bottle of hot sauce in the other. I'm not sure if it is how I'll go out but I figure it's at least an option. But I do try and use myself as an example to others not to worry about stuff, after all look what it did to me. I've been having a lot of problems recently due to the whole circus with the demon (she's apparently decided she hates me for now) as well as finding out about my friends child being unwell. Add in work related stress and worrying about other friends in trouble (My little sister has been going through a lot, my Boston friend is having job trouble, other such stuff) and I haven't been sleeping well. I've had several nights spent sitting in front of the toilet instead of on it. Sometimes I wish it would just kill me, at least it would be over with. It's called perodontitis (I think that's how it's spelled) and it means the ulcer finishes it's way through the stomach and dumps stomach acid throughout your inside, kind of like auto-canabalism. Would hurt like hell but would make good copy in the papers and I would finally get some rest. Also I would finally stop worrying. That alone might be worth it. Kind of sad that that's what it would take eh?