Friday, October 15, 2004

Getting too old

Does there come a time when you start to realize that you can't do the things you used to. A point where my body and soul just don't have it in them anymore. I've spent so much of my life being a white knight to so many people. When does it get to the point where I fall apart. I am slowing down. My ulcer may be gone and I'm scared of it coming back. I know several people who are getting themselves into situations that I know will be bad and that they'll turn to me eventually (notice how you can see so plainly when someone else is setting themselves up to get hurt but are oblivious when it's you?) and I'm not sure I have it in me to help carry them through the pain anymore. I emphasize with them too much when I listen to thier problems, but what happens when they are the type of person who just keeps doing what they know is wrong again and again. I try not to hold it against them, after all these years of the Demon I am one of those people, but I'm hurting enough from what I do to myself, I'm not sure I have what it takes anymore to help carry thier folly's as well. But I don't know how to stop or let go. I don't know how to tell someone I care about I just can't anymore. I've spent my life being useful when the sh*t hits the fan and letting everyone know I'm someone they can take for granted because I'll always be there. But it's killing me and I'm tired from the pain. The old promise was "save them all or die trying" and I've never broken a promise (I do my best never to make them in the first place, but when I do....). But I feel so damn old sometimes. Worn out. Thin (not wieght wise, unfortunatly). I'm just getting too old for this sh*t.

7 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger -Ed. Screams...

Just stumbled upon the blog, finding analogues to my situation; I beg indulgence for my presumption of commment. I too empathize with Bilbo Baggins in "feeling sort of thin and stretched" after carrying the burdens we must for so long. Professor Tolkien's characters were so inspirational because they undertook frightful responsibilities with the faith that the forces for good in the world would work through them in concert with all good men (et al.) His Hobbits weren't heroes who arrogated to themselves the power and responsibility to do good deeds, but good men (sic) who knew when to do the right thing, holding nothing back. It is sometimes terrifying, but we do it out of love for our fellows and because we believe we can help make our world a better place. We do our best and leave the rest to Illuvatar. Rest easy good sir.

3:14 AM  
Blogger Ĵōÿ Screams...

Unfortunately this rings too true in my life, for my lifetime as well. There comes a time in your life I think where you can no longer carry the burden for others, not even for yourself anymore it seems. The people that I have cared for in the past have come to me with their problems, to help them right things, or comfort them, and that used to be a source of comfort in my own life... the ability to comfort or counsel others through pain, but never for myself.
It wasnt long ago that I decided that there was a difference in someone unburdening themselves to me, someone searching for guidance from me and someone who just wants to 'get it off their chest' by heaping it onto mine. Although I can tell you are probably like me and considered the dependable one, at some point it DOES all catch up to you, kick you in the a$$ and demand that you take care of yourself first... just this once. Its either that, or find yourself being the one thing I know that scares the hell out of me more then anything, an ancient old bitter mind and soul in a stressed out, worn out body.. at age 31.
Seems to me you have a few very supportive and caring friends just in the short time Ive been reading your log. Id lean on them until the day they need to lean on you again. There isnt much in life that isnt a vicious cycle. Even in the good things.

11:32 PM  
Blogger She Must be Full of BS Screams...

Hurrah for the wisdom of kindly strangers!!

I'll follow up Joy's comment by saying lean, honey, lean. You know that M and I are in a situation that seems to be improving by the day... We may not be completely on our feet financially, but we anticipate being so within a month, and that pretty much takes away our [just about] only source of stress. So lean if you need to, I'm definitely here for you. As for for the dumpers (you being the dumpee), just because they're dumping it doesn't mean you have to come up with the answers to all their issues. I know that the more you hear, the more you worry, but sometimes all it takes to be a good friend is to listen. And if that gets to be too much, maybe here and there give an HONEST opinion; not too brutal, but maybe blunt enough to make the other party understand that yes, you've heard this before; no, you don't think it's a good idea/situation/whatever; and yes, you just might be tired of hearing it. If it were me, it might make me stop and think, and [at least] in the long run, appreciate your honesty, whether I liked or agreed with what you said or not.

Or, take up crocheting as a relaxation exercise. I can teach you. *hehehe*

2:30 AM  
Blogger Ĵōÿ Screams...

If all else fails you can always grab a vat of beer, a huge pillow thats in the shape of some forsaken old cartoon or fluffy animal, an inappropriate amount of munchies... go ahead and snuggle up with your remote control and cry yourself to sleep watching sealab and family guy reruns.

Works for me.

Oh, you have to be naked too. So start knitting a blanket.

3:03 AM  
Blogger Purplepyramid Screams...

Take care of you first before you begin to attempt a job that is not required of you! There's nothing in the world like being saved by the "White Knight" when the castle is being overrun, but you know what?? Your ability to save everyone is not why you're loved. It's you. You are why you are loved. You are why people smile. Not your Dr. Phil alter ego. Not your Frasier Crane "I'm listening". It's you! Yes, You are the best listener I know, however its time to listen to your heart before you burn out.

9:58 AM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

that purple person, kates twin knows best. you should listen to her.

4:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

purplepyramid stole my thought. You have to take care of you first, before you can take care of others, otherwise you burn out and no one benefits. Your a great listener but that doesn't me you have to solve everything, you just have to listen. Purplepyramid is right, you are loved because your you, period.
you make me smile.

9:54 PM  

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