Tuesday, June 29, 2004


What do you believe in? I've never been sure about the existance of a deity, although in times of trouble I've said my share of prayers. The one thing I do believe in however is my friends. Maybe that's why I have a hard time letting go of people. It's also why I get depressed so much. The only time faith in a deity is tested is when things go really wrong. Even then people come up with such ideas as: everything happens for a reason, God works in mysterious ways, ect. But my faith is tested evertime one of my friends betrays me or walk away or tells me to f*ck off. I've always believed I made a good friend but how can that be if people can just walk away and not care anymore? If they can let go of our friendship easily then maybe it means I didn't mean anything to them, maybe I'm not such a good friend to have after all. I know I don't make a good boyfriend (Meesha died because I didn't make her happy, Jill left and wants nothing to do with me now because I didn't make her happy, Sharon doesn't even like me to call often anymore, and Jackie....no wait she still talks to me but she's insane. She also didn't stay with me cause I wasn't enough to make her happy despite what she says now). But I always put so much of myself into my relationships that it feels like it's my shortcomings when I lose someone, friend or girlfriend. But the friends I do have right now are the people who have stayed with me over the years. (GOD damn buttons! I had to re-write that last sentence three times cause of hitting the wrong buttons!) I love them all and would do anything for them. Even the ones far away are close to my heart. Without the people in my life I wouldn't see any reason to be here at all. I could never do this on my own. In fact there are times that I feel like if I haven't done something for them in a while then I'm not being a good friend. I know it's not true, they care for me even if I do nothing, but after losing so many people I care about I sometimes need to feel like I'm useful to them. That's part of the reason I give money to them or pay for things every chance I get even when I can't afford it. At least then I feel like I'm doing something to hold on to them, terrified that they might slip through my hands and my life if I don't hold on to them. Yet I do have faith in them. I believe that if anything bad happened these people would come running, be there if I ever truly needed them. Once or twice this has been put to the test and each time they have come through for me. Whether it was my little sister driving to my house late at night because I called her in tears, or my little slice of Heaven talking to me for hours when I was drunk and depressed, making me laugh by flirting with me(I miss her so and hope things are going better with her son) or my Babushka sleeping over my house when I didn't want to be alone, or my cuz's keeping my mind occupied, or even Ug getting drunk with me, or so many other cases with so many other firends ( if I list them all this blog won't end) But I try not to test it too often. Just in case. Some people I've had faith in over the years have broken me before (The Demon, although it is because of her fear, Toni, Ken, others) and it leaves me shaken and depressed and unsure of myself. Rebuilding faith is hard and takes time. Fortunatly my friends (and family) are kind enough to give me that time and thier love, and I love them all for it. They give me reason to believe. They give me reason to have faith. In them and in me.

5 Voices In The Darkness:

Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

BM Says,

When I was a wee lad I was forced to a shrink. Shrinks and God are both bullshit in my book… But yeah anyway… The only thing I inadvertently got from the shrink was I am the only one that can fix my problems. I learned in life friends come and go as they please. This is a good thing. It frees up time for your other friends who are still with you. No relationship is good if it needs to be forced, you can only try so hard before you need to let go. Don’t get me wrong I love every friend I currently have and all the friends from my past, but you can only depend on them so much. People are just as frail and emotional as you. You have to find “faith” (I hate that word) for yourself in yourself.

Wow this sounds like a crock of shit. I sound like that dirt bag Dr. Phil.
I am going to go steam clean myself using Windex and a brillo. Two wonderful over the counter products… hell don’t forget Guinness and 8th continent chocolate soymilk!!! Splendid products I tell you splendid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9:18 AM  
Blogger gundum_shenlong Screams...

You know you can always count on me, and adam (as long as the computers off). You see life is like a box of chocolate. You never know what your going to get. The chocolate is your friends, and will always be around when you hit that coconut. hope to see you soon cuz.

1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

I agree with BM, and then some. I will always be here for you, because like you I take relationship ending hard, ususally more so then the other person involved. I think that is part of the reason why I don't make as many as I use to. That is also why I limit what I tell my friends, you are one of two that I don't do that with, which is why I have to hold on to you, just as much as you hold on too me. Good friends come and go in your life, and true friends are the ones that stay. I really believe that.

1:05 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

Oh You... If it weren't for you many people would not know the true meaning of friendship. And it's not because you dig into your non-existent pockets, or because you do things that both you and your body know are overkill etc. It's because if someone is fortunate enough to have you as a friend then they have something so precious that holding on to it becomes an honor. I love having that honor, and never doubt, you will ALWAYS be my best friend.

2:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

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5:30 AM  

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