Thursday, December 16, 2004


I've been going nuts buying gifts this year. I've spent an insane amount of money (which I don't entirly have) to try and get something for eveyobe I can. I think part of this insane buying spree is my attempt to keep my mind off of her not being here this year. I love giving gifts and so in a desperate move to keep myself from the depression I can feel lurking behind my mind I'm putting myself way into debt. I keep rationalizing what good is money if I get depressed so I might as well go broke but at least be able to smile, even if that smile is partly a lie I'm telling to myself. Will it work? I don't know. But I'm hoping. I miss her so much, so instaed of thinking about ti I'll try and concentrate on those who are here in my life. Why do we notice missing pieces more than the filled parts?

4 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger Joy Screams...

Splurge if you want to. It feels good to give when you are able to.

As for the why we notice the missing pieces.. its the same as anything. If you were on a bus with 20 people and 18 of them were smiling and happy, and there was one woman crying.... well, you would notice that first too.

My cynical side tells me there are holes that will never be filled.
My brain tells me that its entirely logical and possible.
And my heart just hopes the rest isnt true.

4:10 AM  
Blogger Gama Screams...

Yesterday I went shopping with my honey, and all of the sudden I remember that I forgot some of my friends.
I was so upset with myself, so I shopped almost the entirely day :(
Some pieces will never heal and some will desappear into thin air, because you have your friends support in every single step of the way.

12:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

the mind is never satisfied. it's all this other stuff we do like buying plastic things to give to others that show that we care about them, that distracts us from the reality of our lives and the things that lurk to haunt us at our quiet moments. i'm sorry to hear that our friend, despair, is knocking at your door. remember those words you wrote to me in my moments of hell...try to keep your mind above the waves. just float along until the waters quiet. they always do.

2:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

I am sorry she not here. We always take note of what we don't have (or are missing), and often forget about what we do have, because we have it. Therefore we pay more attention to what we don't have, the trick is to pay attention to what you do have. Just remember for the people in your life and me being one of them: they're not going to care about how much you get them or give them to show your love, it about the time you spend with them.

12:23 AM  

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