Friday, February 25, 2005

Without a paddle, but still afloat and fighting upstream

Too many thoughts in my head, life throwing things at me far too fast. Don't know how to cope. Trying to be there for so many people, I love them all and want to be someone they can turn to in need. Others try telling me that I can't do it all, that it's too much, but I believe in my ability to be strong enough for those I love. I will not fail them. I may not be able to be everything to everyone, but I can and will be ME! Life may yet beat me, but it will learn that I'm a damn stubborn old bastard who will not break easily. When all is said and done life will know it was in one hell of a fight. They say no one gets out of life alive, well maybe not but life will remember me once I'm gone, by the scars I leave if by no way else. My Mom has cancer, I have several good friends going through a living hell, I may be losing my job and almost broke due to bills, my body may be slowly falling apart, but my will is stronger than this and I will not fall till I'm ready to. I have always said that I don't know how to be strong for myself, but I will never fail if someone needs my strength. I miss those who are gone, I cry for those who are lost, and someday I will be amoungst them. But I am not dead yet. There is good in this world, hard as it is to find. There are smiles out there, hidden though they may be. In the end I will be judged by the company I keep, for they are the reason I live. My friends, my family, my loves, these are the things that I fight to protect and take care of. Even those who have left me will remember me as a good part of thier lives. All those I have touched will know that I did my best to make thier world a better place, even if I failed I still tried.

To my old friend JA, who I have not seen in 15 years, the motto still stands: We will save them all or die trying. Wherever you are old friend, the dream has not been forgotten.

10 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger Angry Nice guy Screams...

Don't ever stop fighting for what you believe. There is great passion in you and with it you can make a differance in peoples lives. Someday maybe you will find the faith in yourself that others seem to have in you.

7:15 PM  
Blogger Julie Screams...

Hey there, you do have so much going on right now... I send you lots of hugs and support and thoughts of strength and kindness. Don't forget to nurture yourself like you do everyone else!
Also, a co-worker friend who had breast cancer told me about a lady who came to their support group and talked about how she had stage four cancer (six years ago)and survived and is cancer free by radically changing her diet to raw/unprocessed foods. I'll get more info if you like.

7:17 PM  
Blogger Mooker Screams...

i'm so sorry to hear about your mom. life is suffering but i'm happy to hear that you are in it for the long run. so many people choose to opt out and take their own lives but you don't seem to be going down that road. be good to yourself. don't be a gonzo journalist. i hate to hear you in so much pain but just look back at some past blogs and realize that tomorrow is another day and this will pass. i'll be thinking about you. it is strange to think about someone that you have no picture of in your mind.

8:22 PM  
Blogger Julie Screams...

Thank you for your sweet thoughts about me getting better, you are a wonderful guy, I hope you treat yourself like one!!
I contacted my friend for more info and will let you know. Email me and I'll have your address, if you don't mind and send it to you. Julieann09@charter.net
take care of yourself!!

7:16 AM  
Blogger Jay Screams...

Life is all about survival. Have faith in yourself and don’t listen to people whether you can or cannot do!

We run our lives and not others.

Nothing is impossible as long as we believe in ourselves.

9:23 AM  
Blogger Kitten Screams...

What ever doesnt kill us, makes us stronger.
Better people.
More compassionate.
More loving.

You will get through this my friend...I have been there....we all have at one time or another.....please dont hesitate to reach out to those who love and care about you....

xoxoxo

9:47 AM  
Blogger Joy Screams...

So much like me Az so I think I can say this with confidence. You will not give up or give in because it is not in you to do so. When life tries to kick your ass you get really pissed off at it and refuse to just lay down. You are the warrior, the knight with the double headed axe, and no warrior just lays down and takes their lumps.

Keep on fighting my friend, although I may be far away, I walk beside you and with you, everyday.

11:42 PM  
Blogger Gama Screams...

You have so many things going on in your life, just remember we're here for you.

12:04 PM  
Blogger Bookend Screams...

Maybe the answers are downstream? :)

Loveya...always here if ya need to chat about it...

8:41 AM  
Blogger The Creeping Unknown Screams...

Don't you dare give up!

3:36 PM  

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