Heartache and memeories
So I ran into the Demon's brother last night. I had had a little to drink nad was going to rent a movie with my cuz and he was there. We started talking (I'm still kind of friends with the family) and he was telling me how she's engaged and they bought a house in Hamden and that's she's really happy. Happy without me in her life. I'm glad for her. I really am. And if I keep telling myself that maybe someday I'll believe it. I've tried to analize why the hell I'm so in love with this girl, and the ebst I can come up with is that she reminds me of Meesha, somewhat the same look and the same attitude when she's happy. Part of me keeps thinking I can save her they way I couldn't save her. But at the same time she's differant and I still love her. Have for so long now I don't know how to let go. She's not the only one I've loved, and I still love them all, but for some reason I keep coming back to her. Maybe I could have made a good life with Isis, or Heaven, or Babushka, or even Rie-Rie. But in some way all of them made me feel like in certain ways I just wasn't good enough. The Demon makes me feel like I'm all she'll ever need, until she runs away again. This on top of the depression I already was going through. Sometimes it feels like I'll never pull myself out of this. I hate life right now. I hate me right now. Damn love. Damn me.
These Echoes In The Silence Brought To You By Azathoth100 at 12:39 PM
Oh, the pain of lost love. It's so bittersweet, especially when we see that person again, hear how well they are doing, going on with their life, without you in their life, and the fact that they tell you about it is the worst thing; I know. I've been there, and my heart has bled. One of my best friends told me the other day, 'you only have so many outlets to channel energy into and out of. If you keep those blocked, you miss opportunities for other positive currents to go into. Keep those channels clear - energy attracts like energy. Don't shut yourself down to possibilities." I know it sounds like nonsence when you're down in the dumps, but it really is true. She's living proof. I am in a rut too, personally and emotionally, and there is nothing more I would love to leave all the painful shit behind and start new, its scary. It's scary to leap, but if and when you leap, a net will appear. It's the laws of the universe. Greive as much as you have to, get out all the sadness, but then move on. There are many loves we can have in a lifetime becasue we are always changing. Sometimes the great ones come back, sometimes they are replaced by greater ones. You just have to keep the faith in the darkest moments. ;-) xxoxo
I have a really good friend who is in a similar situation. This guy, who didn't really seem all that great to most of the other people around, totally broke her heart. Just up and left one day, saying that he could take "all this responsiblity." She gets so sick of people saying things like, "He doesn't deserve you anyway!" or "He wasn't good enough for you!" I try not to say things like that b/c I think she needs someone to understand the predicament she's in CURRENTLY. She really is still in love with him (even if he truly doesn't deserve it and she really can do a lot better). I think maybe you're in kinda the same situation. You need someone to understand those feelings you have are still very real. And you have to respect those feelings; not dismiss them like they're nothing. To you, they're monumental. I have faith that both you and she will eventually move on... and find people who appreciate you the way you deserve, who treat you as good as you treat them. Until then, keep writing and get those emotions out.
This too will pass.
I know, not what you want to hear my friend, but everything , including this must run its course. And I believe you will be a better and stronger person on the other side, ready and willing to welcome a new love into your life....
hugs.
You know that if it's ever meant to be w/ demon it will be and nothing will stop that. But since it hasnt' worked out to this time, perhaps the Universe knows better and there is a reason, for you all to not be together , at this time. It's all too easy to romanticise someone from our past that we love so much. Mine will always be a man named Fadi. Sometimes I still think of him so strongly that I feel like I might turn and he would be right in front of me, but I know if it was meant to be, it would have been. He went on to marry not long after our break up and I was crushed. It took me well over a year to get over him , to the point I am today. I think when you love someone so strongly, that love nevers leaves you, b/c it never got used up the first time and it stays right there hoping to be used again. But most times it's not and later it turns into something we can cherish as a memory of how great WE were able to love another.
Hang in there!!