Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Tuesday nights and darkness

While I was at work today one of her songs played. When I shut my eyes I could see her singing it. "Walk on the ocean, step on the stone, flesh becomes water, wood becomes bone". I know where she is right now. I could be there in 15 min. I could see her again. But I fight the urge, like I do every Tuesday night.
This has been a bad week so far. Out of 4 people I was supposed to see 3 of them fell through. Not thier fault. Life happens, I know that. But one of my co-workers juts had to be a prick and say "maybe they just don't want to hang with you". This is the nature of parinoia. I know it's not true. But the mind starts to work. See, one of the sad facts about me is I don't like myself much. The man I see in the mirror and I just don't get along. There is only one thing about myself I've ever been proud of. That;'s the fact that I make a good friend. It's the only thing I have ever believed completely. But the darkness comes and it makes me question it. If so many can walk away so easily then maybe it's because there not leaving anything worth having. I love my friends, and I know that they care about me. But I've heard so many times the words "I'll always be here and always care and always want you in my life". Always. It's a word so easy to say. Yet time and again those same people move on without me. With each of them they take a piece of my heart. Yes, I am a romantic and a (as Jay put it) mooshy person. I givemy heart easily and trust people completely. There are so many out there who carry pieces of my heart frther away with each passing day. The words they said meant nothing. The Demon has done it so many times over the last 14 years. Heaven left after 9 years of saying how much I meant to her and how she'd always love me. T just stopped talking to me one day for no reason, after all those years when I was just about her only friend. I invest so much of myself into people only for them to make me feel like I'm worthless. If I'm such a good friend and they care so much how can they just walk away? So I keep smiling even through the darkness. But it does show if you know what to look for. I gave up poetry, even though I was good enough to win a Hallmark contest to get one of my poems on a card (still have a copy of the card somewhere.). I gave up writing even though I had been published and had an editor call me the best young writer he had seen in years. I stopped drawing (this I wasn't too good at. But I enjoyed it). I eat too much, I've put on so much damn weight over the last year. Whats worse is I'm smart enough to know that I'm doing all this self-destructive stuff, but yet I still do it. I'll sit there eating something I know I shouldn't and in my head I'm yelling at myself to stop. I'll tell myself over and over I need to get exercise, but I don't do it. It's like I'm daring my body to explode. I made a promise so many years ago that I'd never end my own life, and I won't. I haven't heard that call in a long time now and I know in my heart I'm here till life's done with me. But I do dumb stuff that is slowly taking a toll on myself. Both body and heart. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I get hurt on purpose. Like some twisted payback upon myself. I don't know. I fell so damn old and worn out. Thin almost, like a rubber band streached too far. Hah, me thin, that'll be the day. Hell, I've come close once or twice on almost giving up this blog. Just signing on and deleting it. I enjoy comming on and reading everyone's stuff and hearing from people and everything. I love all of you, as if I haven't said that enough. Yet when the darkness comes it blocks out everything else. At one point I threw out all my photographs. I love my photos, but if my Dad hadn't found them when he went to take out the garbage and pull them out they'd all be gone now. It's like a part of me wants to just destroy my life. Destroy myself.

But I don't. Guess in some ways I'm just too damn stubborn. I don't know how to just give up sometimes. It's that small part of me that made me put down the bottle when I realized I was getting way too far down inside it. The part that makes me get up each morning and go to a job I hate. The part that calls people to stay in touch even when I haven't heard from them in a while and know that if I don't call they won't call me. The part that sends x-mas cards to all those who have walked away. The part that keeps those old promises. The part that stops me from punching the mirror when I see myself in it. The part that hopes maybe someday they'll come back, all of them.

Midget called me at work today. In the middle of talking, as he appoliogized for being so busy and not getting together for a while (not his fault, he manages a video game store), he thanked me for being such a good friend all these years. I told him not to mention it. Maybe instead I should have told him it's little things like that that help keep that small part of me alive. I don't do what I do for thanks, but sometimes it is nice to hear anyways.

15 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

-That damn toad the wet sprocket!! Glen Phillips has sent you into a downward spiral. Don’t listen to your obnoxious co-worker. Tell him/he/is to piss off and stab itself repeatedly with some fake diamonds!!!

Sorry are so down! That blow a table of germ infected buttercup monkeys. Stand strong and try not thinking so hard. Thinking at all can prove depressing. Be a zombie like me! Jealous of those with brains so I bash them with brick to consume theirs. Such an easy fix.

Let me know what day you gots free. I sure K’s wisdom teeth wound will be healed by then. Tomorrow is the big day. I am actually taking the rest of the week off to observe her pain. Ok that’s enough about me. Cheer up buckaroo. You are loved a lot more then you will ever figure out!!!

10:53 AM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

Ohh yeah one more note you probably didn’t know about me!! Did you know I almost got in a fight at a Toad the wet sprocket show!!!?!?!? Damn angry hippies!!! Sooo maybe I stepped on his toes 8 times and kicked him (accidentally) in the abdomen!! Smoke up and shut the fuck up!! Give me some room to flail bitch!!!!

10:58 AM  
Blogger Gama Screams...

When you feeling the like you're going to quit writing on your blog or read blogs, do what I do, step away from the computer for a few days and don't think about it, free your mind, take a trip or do something that doesn't involve the writing or anything like that, have fun, enjoy life.
That's what I did; One time I decided to quit this blogger thing, but a friend of mine told me to get away from the computer and go somewhere, so I did and when I came back I felt the need to write poems and post on my blog.
That works for me, and it should work for you too, don't give just beacuse people keep breaking your heart, I know that feeling... There's a heart for everybody on this world don't let your
self-steem go down in the drain, let's keep figthing against all odds.

11:20 AM  
Blogger Burfica Screams...

Aza!!! you've been an amazing part of my life. I would love to e-mail you if your willing.

And wow, your entire post was a reflection of my life. I'm serious. it was amazing.

love ya aza hugggsssssss

3:54 PM  
Blogger Joy Screams...

This post gripped me. Likely it would have if not once again, Az and I felt similar feelings at the same time on matters. Struggling inside is far harder then the struggle to push through the days full of a job you hate. I understand both fully.
I feel like a broken record when I keep saying this but Ive spent since Saturday questioning friendships and letting it take control of my emotions and actions for the time being... seems again, you are in the same place as I find myself.
Hold my hand, and we will push and climb and crawl our way back to the world we know where all friends are real friends and its apparent to any who will be looking after us.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Jay Screams...


You seem to keep a lot of your pain and doubt in your heart – best to let it out, like what you did in here.

Everyone has their own problem(s), so just think of one thing that would make you feel better. There are many more unfortunate souls out there compared to you.

I went to see a psychiatrist yesterday, after giving long thought I believe people like them can be better listeners to some of our untold (or cannot be told) problems.

I have even bigger problem than many of people in the world, for some reason I can’t tell anyone including my very best friend – see how difficult life has been to me. All of us are afraid of losing friends or begin to make assumptions based on some reasonable doubts on why he or she doesn’t want to see me or why why why?

The truth is, life can be sux at time while it can also be the most wonderful moment in our lives. I believe in god.. although most of the time I doubt his power for giving me the problems, I still have faith in him.

I challenged myself by doing so many “almost impossible” things until today and I managed to do it but the only thing I failed is to manage is my own self. I always succeed in giving good advice to many people but I failed to advise my own self.

I tried to commit suicide when I was 22, but I am still alive until today. God is still testing me, for how long? I don’t know and I can’t stop him.

11:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

i felt the same way. i've thrown away pictures and withdrawn into myself. maybe i shouldn't be writing these things to you because people are supposed to positive and supportive but maybe you know deep down that life is meaningless and nothing is true and the only thing that is true is suffering. i know how i sound but... sometimes its hard to keep reading the same story of 'your' life. i know my own storyline sucks. but maybe there is no meaning to all this crazy shit. sometimes you just have to enjoy the ride and see this life for what it is. just a brief ride and a multitude of experiences, sensations, and the whole thing being human on earth is. fucked. but it could have ended up worse for you. how about before electricity or what if you would been born handicapped. whatever. instead you get to me this guy in the u.s. who is a worthwhile person inside. that's what really matters. how you treat others. that fat hanging off your body is just a shell. so what if it's rusted or old or whatever. it's just given to you by some strange people at birth and it's only got a certain shelf life. look at it this way-maybe next time you will get a better one. i can tell i'm probably sounding strange so i'll end now before i really go way out there.

1:40 AM  
Blogger Alekx Screams...

Aza, I truely think people are brought into our lives at different times because they fill a need we have at that time. Some of them stay around forever, some must go there own way to become a part of someone else's life that needs them more than you at that (this) particular time of life. Be rejoiceful of the time you had with them and hope they can fullfill someone elses needs as well as they did yours.
You are very special to me. I can't promise to be here for you forever but I can promise to be here for you today.
Sometimes those that leave your life come back years later (my best friend and I reunited after 12 years of zero contact) and it's that much sweeter.
Have faith in yourself..you are wonderful and you are wonderfully and beautifully made and I rejoice that I've gotten to know you in a small way.
Love ya hun

3:58 PM  
Blogger Dorko Screams...

Wanna get married? :D

(I'm just guessing here, but I'm thinking Alekx's friend could be a Dorko.)

1. "I'll always be here & always care & always want you..." (crap) Picture Jan Brady only saying "always,always,always!" instead of "Marsha,Marsha,Marsha!" All of us raging romatics believe that line. (sux)

It fits neatly into the all purpose lieS category Alekx & I were talking about once upon a time ago... "I'll always love you..."; "one-size-fits-all..."; "No baby, I won't C** in your mouth..." <-(Alekx's proud wisecrack - not mine! Blush!)
We got on the subject after meeting some guy in the local bar who kept swearing he was 6'2" (tall), only we were looking directly into his forehead - so we KNEW BETTER! SHEESH!

2. When you think hard about it, it's a great test. The ones that leave aren't THE ONE, are they? I mean, don't you really want someone special enough to be an "always & all ways" companion, for cryin' out loud?

[ok. 9 years. That's searing pain on several levels.] But...

3...don't make the rest of us suffer just because one relationship went tits-up! We (the rest of the world - which could quite possibly contain MORE HEAVEN than what you've ever known before) need you back in top form! Write on, Stowe all your negatives in a safe spot, & for the love of all that's still good in life DO something about that terrible case of inertia you've come down with! I've had a wicked bout with that myself & it just exaserbates everything!
Get with bm and go "Flail" some sproket toadies, that'll get your blood pumping!

[Great after all that typing I now realize I could have just said, "Cowboy-up". ...Next time, perhaps?]

9:33 PM  
Blogger Dorko Screams...

Lord, I'd like to publicly apologize for all of my misspelling deeds.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Tiamat Screams...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:00 AM  
Blogger Tiamat Screams...

Now that you've gotten honest with yourself and let some of those hard feelings out, you have taken some steps toward healing. With two divorces under my belt, I do know a thing or two about what you're tackling. Once you put a person into your heart you can't just rip them out and be unscathed. You bleed...for a very long time. It doesn't mean you're unlovable or unworthy or that something is wrong with you. It means you are human. Let the rational side of you take control and help you see how many people you do have in your life who care for you ineffably.

Love and light,

12:04 AM  
Blogger Ari Screams...

Wow.... perhaps we were separated at birth. I fight that worthlessness thing too, even though I have many friends that I know love me.

I suppose partly it's just the tendency to see what's missing or dwell on the negative spaces. Those tendencies work great in art, not so well in everyday life.

So I try to keep positive and be Zen rather than so damn Existential, but I often fail.

So I guess we just keep going, keep plodding, keep believing and not listening to that blackness that's trying to creep in. Message me if you ever want to talk... I bet we could have some good conversations. :)

8:56 PM  
Blogger themadamefiles Screams...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:45 PM  
Blogger themadamefiles Screams...

This was the original post-just removed the typos ;-)

Aza, you shared your strength with me, and now, my dear, I will share my newfound strength with you.

First of all, no matter how you feel, you are a fucken amazing person, and I know I won't be the first or the last person to say that. You are selfless and kind, understanding and warm. You touch so many people's lives and I don't think you even know it. You are special Az, and I, like the others in this little blog community, love you so very much. When you are in pain, we feel your pain. And as someone who is struggling and walking down a similar path as you are, I know that hearing people say this to you is healing, but somehow it does not take away the hurt which lingers like a dampness on a rainy Sunday. We are the walking wounded, wearing our heart on our sleeves. We wear our pain like battle scars not fully healed, hidden to the general public, but to our closest friends, well in their presence we let ourselves bleed, bloodletting; sometimes its just good to let out that pain, feel it and let it go, but sometimes, the pain does not go away., like a genetic defect - we know it's there and are waiting for the mutation, for all hell to break loose. This is the nature of paranoia. We prepare ourselves for the worst, get ready for the nuclear fall out, in our shelter, terrified and shut out from the rest of the world. We fear and it's ugly.

That comment your co-worker made, I would have slugged him, of course it would have taken me a day to get over the shock of what he said (funny, comeback lines are always abundant in retrospect) and told him -'Buddy, are you sure people are not saying that about you behind your back?" That is just mean. A spineless jellyfish of a sea turd, these people have no filter and tell everybody about their skewed view on the world. They are piranhas who like to make people feel shitty about themselves. Along the path of life, we will encounter many. They are there to make us develop a thicker skin. But more about that later. It takes practice to kick them in the shins, long and hard practice, but like I mentioned to Joy, from anger, through that pain, comes fire, and it is through the strength and majesty of that element we can propel ourselves beyond the mundane and find the 'strength' within ourselves.

'There are so many out there who carry pieces of my heart further away with each passing day. ' Honey. I never fully realized until I read this sentence over and over again. Something resonated deep in side of me - I have been there, have given my heart away countless times, oh god! So many times, but the heart is a muscle. Think about it. And what happens to muscles when they 'tear'? They rebuild themselves and get stronger. Muscles are regenerative tissues. That is the beauty about being a human being. We can usually rip something, and the body heals itself. Think about it. Use that imagery to guide you and heal you. It makes so much sense to me now. There is a tear, a piece shaved off, and it is so very painful. The pain lingers while the new tissue is being constructed, but then, the pain wears away, gradually. Slowly, but it eventually disappears. I think one way to heal your heart is to think of it as a muscle - it's in a constant state of being deconstructed and re-constructed only to get stronger. We can't change who we are - we are caring and giving people, and to go against that nature would be spiritual suicide. This is who we are. We have to accept that BUT at the same time, know that we have our limitations, and there are ways to live happily and peacefully. We have to re-train ourselves. Change that old worn out groove in the record - find a new track and build on that.Tear and rebuild, deconstruct and get stronger.

"I invest so much of myself into people only for them to make me feel like I'm worthless. If I'm such a good friend and they care so much how can they just walk away?" Az my sweet - it is not you, it is THEM. These people have their own demons, their own mixed up scripts and dramas that interfere with your friendship with them. People have different ways of dealing with life; it may not be the ideal or the right way, they might end up hurting us in the process, but it is THEM and their shit that make them walk away. You are giving and loving. They, on the other hand, are in the midst of their own soap opera, can't see the forest for the trees. One thing I have learned and still try to remind myself (very Zen thing) is that you have to give and give of yourself selflessly. When we attach ownership to what we give away, it is still ours, our property, our attachment. We will never be comfortable letting go of the love we give others because we transcribe to it our meaning, our heart. Love and let go. I know it's easier said than done, but you have to start in little ways - help somebody on the street, smile at someone just because. (I know that you already do this) And when you do, just remind yourself, "I am giving this to you because you need it more than me.I give it to you selflessly and in the act of giving, I am happy and at peace. Sure, it sounds easier said than done, nobody said Buddhism was an exact science, and it takes work, allot of self work and examination, but with each baby step, we are one baby step closer to the truth, and finding peace within ourselves.

"I gave up poetry..." Once again, I know the feeling - the little pleasures are now big unfinished daunting tasks, so much so that to even think about it seems exhausting.I have been there and struggle every day with these demons. This kind of shit melts away any fibre of will or self esteem you might have tucked away in your secret survival stash of hope and dreams. Once again, it's the whole 'groove' thing.I am reading an amazing book (thanks to Miss Diamanda) called "Managing your Mind'by Gillian Butler and Tony Hope, both PhD's. It's based on cognitive therapy (which I highly recommend that you seek this out. Email me if you want more details) and it makes a difference. CBT is all about seeing things in a different light. Changing your outlook, turn the positive into the negative and taking our small victories, however insignificant they may seem to us, and rewarding ourselves. We are our own worst enemy, our own harshest critic and that is not a good thing.It talks about setting realistic small goals rather than ones which seem to much to handle. It is an excellent book. I re-read the first 80 pages cause I went out and bought a note book to write the exercises in. If you want, get the book and we can compare notes... ;-) "What's worse is I'm smart enough to know that I'm doing all this self-destructive stuff, but yet I still do it." You are already one step closer to getting out of this rut. YOU ARE AWARE OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO YOURSELF!It takes so many people years of therapy to get to that point. Be proud of yourself Az!! You are on your way!! You really ARE!!! ;-)

'Yet when the darkness comes it blocks out everything else'. Oh God. You are writing the words to my life. I have felt that soo many times, the deep abyss of darkness, silence and quasi-death.Yep.I hear you. But the thing to do is when you see it coming, make a mental note of it. I am sure that you do see it coming when it does right? You are a thinker and observer like me - we feel it, smell it, taste it.The key is to be AWARE and keep that awareness while you are going into that state. Once you see it coming, you can warn others, and most importantly, warn yourself so you wont do things that you might regret(throwing out old photos, going or completely shutting yourself out from the world.). This is what saves me - I turn to my blog, read my poetry, take hold of my camera and explore that darkness through these tools. You are a poet, writer, artist! Use these things as an outlet. Like my blue series, I felt the pain, took the photos but did not realize what I did till it was over. Out of my pain came a beautiful creation,and isn't that what art is all about? So pick up that pen again, write that poetry - who cares if it's shit! You shouldn't even care if it's shit! It's the letting go, the letting it all spew out that is the beauty! Do we look at our shit in the morning and say:"EWE! Those links are less than perfect and not brown enough for the way I feel today..." NO! So shit and enjoy it!!

'Guess in some ways I'm just too damn stubborn. I don't know how to just give up sometimes.' Print this out in an outrageously huge font - like 172, and post that everywhere, in your house,in your bathroom, on the mirror in your bedroom, on top of your computer. Even write it on your hand if you must! You have to re-read this and think about it at least 100 times a day. And that is an order from Madame x! Being stubborn has kept me out of killing myself when I was younger and has allowed me to accomplish great things in my life. Stubborn is a beautiful thing (and being an Aries, this is our blessing more than a curse!), stubborn keeps you alive, keeps you on your toes. Don't think or beat yourself up on how you want to have the last word in an argument, don't think about how hard-headed you can be in doing something that you know is not good for you but you do it anyway. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP! WORK ON THE POSITIVE!You are a survivor my dear, and despite it all, you are still here!! You are STILL HERE!! And that is something you should give yourself a hug for, and a hug from me as well (as I slap you on the butt!).And don't ever give up.

"I don't do what I do for thanks, but sometimes it is nice to hear anyways'- okay honey - we WERE separated at birth! This is just so me, it's quite scary! Along with everything else you wrote, this was the cream of the crop (and what a clincher! Left it for the last line!! Just like I would!!LOL!).After meeting Wildcat, I realized (and thanks to Miss Diamanda cause if it weren't for her to point this out to me...) that sometimes, people are really clueless! People can't read each other's minds, and even though we hope they will pick up on our expressions, voice inflections or body language, some people are just, well, BLIND! You have to spell it out for them! And that is what I did with Wildcat:" WC,I just got the feeling that you were using me as a fuck because you did not reciprocate my expression of content" or whatever I said, I don't remember. His reply:"Oh really? I didn't know that, thank you for explaining that to me and clarifying it.I am sorry if I hurt you." And that was it! Simple as pie and it was solved! Don't be afraid to ask for what you want, need! Sometimes, people are caught in their own little bubble, they cant see past their nose! And if they look at you like you are out of your mind, they were sooo not worth your time anyway!!!

So my dear Aza, I hope my rambling made some sense to you. I wish I were there to sit and have a real heart to heart with you in person, but hell, thank God for the internet cause this is the next best thing to me being there.

I end this marathon post with a quote from my favourite poets- Rumi, who through his words has guided me out of my darkness...
I love you Az - all the crazy, depressed, stubborn, funny, sad poetic parts of you.

You are a beautiful soul and I am happy and blessed to have met you.

'You are searching the world for treasure, but the real treasure is yourself. If you are tempted by bread, you will find only bread. Whatever you seek, you become..'

9:01 PM  

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