Thursday, May 26, 2005

Falling behind

It's been almost a week, sorry I haven't been on. I went to my cousins wedding last saturday, and had a great time. Yet I also felt the return of a feeling I've avoided for a while. There was my little cousin, but not so little anymore. She's married, has a house and a car and a job. She has really started her way into the world. So have many of those who I grew up with, my friends and family. Yet here I still sit. Most of my friends are married or engaged, they own houses or rent appartments (Hell even the Demon is engaged and owns a house). Some have kids. My sisters have families. My little cousins are no longer little. Yet here I sit. My life has become stagnant, like a pond full of algae and dead frogs. I have no credit, no money, and no prospects of a future. They speak of the light at the end of the tunnel, yet for me there is no light, and it's not a tunnel but a pit that I slowly sink into. I have put on age and wieght and neither fit me well. Years of pushing my body have caught up to me. Parts of me just don't work anymore. Sleep is a rareity, yet I'm tired all the time. Whats worse is I have no ambition to change. Just looking at the life I lead makes me so down that I loose the energy to try. There used to be fire in me. Now all there is left is smoke. I'll start doing something to get going, but I too soon give up out of hopelessness. I never cared much about my life, I have always been more into helping others with thiers. But I have fallen so behind that I can't help much anymore, there all too far beyond me. I look in the mirror and despise who I see. I'm no good to others, I'm no good to me. Whats the point. At this point all thats keeping me upright is the almost endless stubborness inside that won't let me just lie down. But standing isn't doing me any good while I let life just drift by. Even those things that I once enjoyed are fading. I don't read much anymore, I don't draw or write. I started trying to write again, but that urge burned out, like so many others have. Does there come a point when you know you can't win the race, or even catch up to the pack, that you walk off the field?

9 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

Hey I am so far in debt i can't even breath, but that doesn’t stop me from spending!! live on brother live on!! The future happens naturally!!!

Love ya!!

9:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

you're just bored with your story right now. i'm like that all that time. who likes to live their own lives all the time? you have to know that all of us out here reading you everyday love to see how you are. i find you very interesting. i check to see how you are every day. so do not despair. life is have to enjoy the ride. it could be much worse. you could have popped up in a hut somewhere in africa or have been a dung beetle or whatever. i think you're a voice worth listening to no matter how much flesh hangs from your body. have you ever considered seeing anyone at all about helping you with sleep techniques or medication (herbal or otherwise)? that could help you out a lot. being sleep deprived can't be helping. i'm so sorry to hear you so down. neil young is singing to you right now, "am i lying to you when i say that i believe in you?".

11:45 AM  
Blogger Minega Screams...

Really sorry you are going through such tough times. It's hard to give advice without resorting to cliches, but it IS always worth thinking that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just because you cant see it doesnt mean it isn't there.

12:21 PM  
Blogger statichead Screams...

My Brother,
Have you ever considered some kind of counseling? Look maybe i don't know you well enough these days to suggest something like going to a shrink but you seem, to me at least, to be pretty depressed. Now maybe you've heard this before but as someone who has delt with depression and anxiety on a first person basis i can tell you a few things.
First, no matter how many people tell you you'll feel better and no matter how many times you hear there's a light at the end of the tunnel it won't help you one damn bit because you yourself don't believe it in your head. No one can tell you anything to make you feel better because you are constantly telling yourself that everything is wrong! It's no fault of yours, your mind is gonna believe what it wants and who are all these people to tell it any different!
They can tell you how much the love you and how great you are but it won't help at all because your mind says the complete opposite.
You need to find out why your mind works to sabotage you at every turn like mine does.
Some times you just have to ignore what your mind is saying and push through.
It's never gonna be easy for people like us. Others just don't understand what it's like to be in our heads. For some happiness and contentment come easy. But for many of us it's a constant struggle to keep a smile on our faces and just feel like everyone else does without even trying. If you ever need to talk to someone who kinda know how you feel, give me a holler. I'm always around.

5:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

Az: I have been exactly where you are. It was addiction fo me, but the symptoms were the same. I felt that there was so much wrong that I could nevr possibly hope to turn it all around. My credit was screwed, I had no mate, no house (and everybody I knew had one). I had wrecked life over and over again and could not seem to figure out how other people do it. I was getting older and heavier (a crime in gay life). But, I did turn it around and you can too. But, you have to put some effort into it. Start with one thing. Start sleeping a normal schedule. Things will change just from that alone. Call your creditors and work out settlements. Follow your passions. Let others help you too. People are not mind readers. Sometimes we have to say "I need help" for people to know we need help. You my friend are a beautiful person. I have missed you. The world needs more of people like you, not less.

6:57 PM  
Blogger Dorko Screams...

Hey Aza... YOU need a good snipe hunt, buddy.
Ok. Shouldn't poke fun...but I'm tempted to ask if you just aren't keeping yourself actively engaged in good causes...You have such a talent for writing... ever read a book called write it down ~ make it happen? I think you could literally FLY if you put your soul into whatever your hearts' desire is... question is, do you know what that would be? Focus, Love, on what would be the best life for Aza.. write it all down then git after it, Babe ~ ready, set, GO!

12:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

I have been where you are too. It really sounds like depression. You can get out of it though - that's the good news. It can be done without a doctor, but there's nothing wrong with going to one if need be. You have an incredible talent for writing - one too great to allow depression to keep you from continuing to grow. Will be thinking about you!

5:35 PM  
Blogger Gama Screams...

Aza been there a lot of times in my life, see a Doctor, or start writing about how you're feeling, and you'll feel like something got off your shoulders. It's not going to be easy, but you'll see there's more to life, don't be depressed. You will see at the end of the tunnel.

10:31 AM  
Blogger ~C~ Screams...

We've all had dark times, chin up & look to God - you will come through this.

10:43 PM  

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