Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Forever. Always.
What exactly do those words mean. Seems like they get used alot and yet the definition of them gets lost.
In my wedding Vows I use the word 'forever'. Yet as I think back on my life and the times when I heard it before, or 'always' for that matter, seems like they last a lot less time than you'd think. I remember friends who told me they'd 'always' be there for me, or relationships where they'd love me 'forever'. Yet here I am and they are gone, and I'd swear it hasn't been 'forever' yet. Maybe it's my own fault. I still love them all, even if it's been years or if it ended badly. Maybe I just have a different definition of the words 'forever' and 'always' than most people do. They seem to get used because it's easier than saying 'until the situation changes' or 'until I get what I want' or 'until my emotions and opinions change'. I really do wish I could have all my old friends and loves still a part of my life. Oh, I wouldn't be dating any of them, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I could still see them, or hug them. Even when the relationships ended I still love them, maybe not in the same way, but I'm one who feel that loves and friendships only die if we let them.
Yet so many who have left me have used the words before. The Demon told me she'd 'always' want me in her life. Heaven said she'd love me 'forever'. ect.
So what does that make the words mean then? If they can be disregarded so easily? When I hear them from my little Babushka, my wife to be, what proof do I have that this time they might be real? How do you believe in words that have lied to you before? How do I explain that I shudder inside sometimes when I hear her say things that I've heard others say a million times before they left me alone? How do I explain I'm not afraid of getting married, I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up to another empty bed, another empty promise, another empty 'forever'?

Maybe.. maybe it's not the words that I need to believe, maybe its' the person who says them?

I have much to think about.....

1 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger Ĵōÿ Screams...

Its completely normal to be thinking this way just before you finally tie the big knot. Even without that tremendous event pending, the thoughtful ones of us tend to ponder these issues almost constantly. And there is the problem. Most of the time the only thing constant is our own thoughts on how inconsistent others are. And here Id like to just say keep the faith, but I am a person of little to no faith at all.

I tell you one thing, I am going to be in a mad rage if anyone hurts you anymore. I think you have been through enough, I think its your turn to command some loyalty and love that will last a lifetime. I think YOU need to convince yourself of the same. Its time Jeff, its your turn. So take it easy or dont take it at all.

5:45 PM  

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