Packed away

I've alwasy said I don't believe in being mad at the people I care about. I've lost too many people and have learned the hard way that time spent being mad at someone is time you can never get back. I bottle it up and put it somewhere in the back of my mind, usually never to see it again. Oh I get agrivated sometimes at people. Sometimes it's idiots on the road or customers at work. Sometimes it's the people I love, especially when they do stupid things. But I don't stay mad for long, and it's not like I get all worked up mad either. What worries me is that I never have a real release for all the anger that I bottle away. When I was younger I used to see a shrink (Hi Paul) and he told me that someday I was probably going to snap and all the feelings I put away would flood out and I would either end up hurting myself or someone else. But years have passed and no attacks yet. I know this internilization of bad feelings isn't good for me or my health, but after Meesha died I just couldn't understand wasting precious time with the people I love being mad at them. WHats the point. I used to tell the Demon that everything was fine no matter what happened and she would say I was lying, that she knew I had a bad day. But I told her I didn't want to waste my time with her thinking about the rest of the day, I just wanted to concentrate on being there with her. That's true of all of my friends. Why should I waste time thinking about bad sh*t when I should be happy to just be with them. So I lie about the depressions, I bottle up the anger, and I ignore the lonliness. I go on and on just trying to be happy and not let the rest show. Especially when it's one of my friends who are in trouble or down. I have to be the happy one, who else are they going to turn to? You can't cry to a sad person.