Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Reflection

6'4"
Blue eyes
Brown hair (used to be long, like down to small of my back, but work forced it to be cut years ago and now it's at my neck)
Beard and mustache (trimed, another casualty of work, the wolf man look is gone and I miss it)
295lbs (and over the last few years it has become more fat than muscle. I might still be able to lift the back end of a car like I once could, but I'd be walking hunched over for days if I did).

I miss being able to hide behind my hair. I was once described as looking like Chewbacca after a shaving accident. My body has begun to give out. Bad back (moving too much furniture over the years), bad knee (stab wound), never quite healed ribs (baseball bat). Any excerise I try and do starts to hurt something after only a few min. Wieghts kill my back, running (or prolonged jogging/walking) hurts my knee, and any streaching or sit-ups/push-ups make my ribs ache. I need to diet but I love food. I want to grow my hair back out and let the beard come back full, but I need money and jobs don't like hiring people who look like that. If I ever win the lotto....

Don't know why I'm writing this, except I was looking at a mirror and realizing somewhere along the way I started to look old. Not like grey hair old, just older than I should. I feel old sometimes. Tired and worn out. Ready to just quit and lie down. maybe it's just the melancholy. I've had a few people think I'm cute over the years, and 3 sick individuals who made the mistake of calling me handsome. The best I can come up with is not ugly. I've never quite understood why some women seem attracted to me. I've always said if someone wants to be with me it's for who I am, not how I look. Just another face in the crowd, or maybe a little above it due to my hieght. When I was young I always assumed I'd look better when I grew up. I was wrong. Oh well. This'll teach me not to blog while looking in a mirror while drinking. Some great things just don't go together.

14 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger Blog ho Screams...

tell us more about the bat and knife wounds.

10:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

Thought you were blind, idiot. God!

10:54 PM  
Blogger Mooker Screams...

quit being so hard on yourself. you sound pretty sexy to me. i have always thought men look better with a full beard. i just like burly guys. lots of women do. you don't have to worry about getting old anyway, women don't care. women have to worry about that. it's like as you age you improve. you might not think so but it's true. i swear, if you could see yourself from my view, you would realize how great you are. i don't even know you besides this blog but you are one of the closest friends i have. come on now, you let the world read you diary...you are awesome and we all know it. you know things about me that noone knows! and you haven't judged, you have been totally cool. if you could just let a physical being know this side of you, you would be set for life. you are a deep man that deserves a good woman and from what i hear, you don't look bad at all. 6'4? i've never dated a guy of 6. women love tall me. 295? on that frame that's nothing. it's hard being trapped inside the same body for 31 years i know but at least your body looks decent. so you have a few dings along the way? i drive an old 82 volvo just because it has character. i don't know if this is helping but i hope b/c you deserve to smile. please smile right now for me...b/c a little hick girl from louisville thinks the world of you. :)

12:30 AM  
Blogger superfan Screams...

Go blue eyes!
Do you really have a beard? is it kings-of-leon-stylee or just regular...beardness?

4:30 AM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

man you can't quit now!!! You just got started!!! We have a long way to go!!!!

9:21 AM  
Blogger Burfica Screams...

I agree with bm

11:59 AM  
Blogger Joy Screams...

You sound like a fine looking gentleman to me.

12:25 PM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

He is a sexy fucker!! i would fuck the shit out of him for sure!!

12:34 PM  
Blogger Gama Screams...

Hey... Hey... good looking!

Keep your chin up.

2:43 PM  
Blogger dayna Screams...

Well, lets take a look at ya ! Give us a really bad pic and let us decide. I'm sure you're like everybody else.

And hey, I've learned the secret to eating lots and not being too fat. Keep exercising no matter what, and have some days where you don't eat too crazily. I love food too. Go join a gym, at least the extra calories will be making some muscle for ya. Well , at least that's what I tell myself. :)

Your great !
Dayna at Station Street

7:06 PM  
Blogger Julie Screams...

Well you sound like a cutie pie to me!!
I like big men! Makes me feel all protected and the such. I was upset when my husband lost his belly that I was prideful about putting on him w/ my good cooking. You seem to be so sensitive and fun and sweet and funny, I'm sure you are very attractive, that is what women want the most anyway ... the few pretty boys I dated, always got me in trouble and had no personality (I think they never had to develop it b/c they skated through life on their good looks). If you really do want to exercise, go swimming, your aches and pains can handle that. I love to eat too! I love ice cream and cheese and wine,, so many calories! I've gained 15 lbs since I got married myself. I said I was going to let myself go after marriage, but I was just kidding!!
I think you are letting that ex demon make you feel unwanted by other women and as long as you feel that way you will put out that vibe to other women, once you get your confidence back, they will be all over you!

Now, tell us about these knife and baseball bat wounds! That sounds juicy!

7:33 PM  
Blogger Jay Screams...

Oh.. I am only 5` 6. Damn Im short. I blame my mom and dad for tht.

2:54 AM  
Blogger jadedprimadonna Screams...

sounds like the melancholy has got a pretty tough hold on you right now. i think the demon stuff, your mom's illness, and your job are just weighing very heavily on you right now. i remember one time when i was 24, and i was going through this nasty conservative phase. i wasn't acting like i was 24... had just started teaching, was a mom... blah, blah, blah. one of my students found out my age and said, "oh - i thought you were about 35!" that made me feel awful for weeks and weeks. i finally broke free from that nasty conservative phase and got back to myself. i started having fun again. when i did, i felt younger. and it must of affected the outside because then people started telling me i looked younger too. so, work on beating that melancholy, however you can. i think that's the trick. hope you feel better soon!

7:45 AM  
Blogger Kitten Screams...

Awe...my poor baby.

Stop beating yourself up...in the end its all about the inside. But your outside sounds pretty great too. I was always attracted to guys with long hair, always dated musicians...except my husband,,,who had neither long hair , or a band.

But I digress...

You have a wonderful spirit...we bloggers can sense these things , and 30 is the new 20 dontcha know...

4:56 PM  

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