Thoughts on funerals and stuff

So as I sat through the wake and funeral service and the burial of Big Bob I couldn't help but feel in some way that he would have prefered if someone had just put on a classic rock record instead of all the depressing music and surroundings instead. He always loved old rock and roll. He was a DJ for years and owned a record collection bigger than several muisc stores I know. He also ran an online Saturday night radio station. So to have him surrounded by all the horrible church music just didn't seem right.
Now I'm not mocking the music you have at a church....Ok... well yes, maybe I am. At some point since I was young and actually went to church with my parents, the church decided to set several of the readings to music, and let me tell you most of them were not written to be sung. Aside from the fact that you have everyone singing in the most incredibly monotonous of voices, the words don't match the melodies the organ person is playing. It sounds like a convention for tone deaf people. Add in that the priest is singing into a microphone, in a hall designed for his voice to be able to carry from behind the alter without aide to the whole congregation, so the mic is not only unnecessary but makes his voice so loud and booming that your ears are about to bleed. It just makes the whole thing that much harder to bear.
Then there are the pictures on the walls. All of them are depicting the crusifixtion. I mean, didn't Jesus do more than just die? Is that the best way to remember the man? Why not have pictures of some of his miracles, or of the disciples, or of him preaching? Nope, instead we have him in pain and torment. Thats just so dang depressing. I get it that he ressurected according to the bible, but do we have to be surrounded with the symbol of his death? It's like the family of a convicted man wearing a little pewter electric chair around thier necks. Morbid.
No wonder there are lessa nd less people visiting church these days. I doubt that when Jesus sat around and talked to his folks that he did his best to either bore them to tears or make them do calestenics (Sit, now stand, now sit, now kneel, now stand....).
I may not believe in organized religion, but at the rate going the only people left will be the priest, wondering where all the alter boys have gone. If you want to preach love for everyone then try and make it fun and happy. Thats what love should be.
Anyways, so I have decided that I wnat to put down some of my rules for when I drop and they have to put me into the ground. Just so I know that no one has to go through the almost painful gatherings of a wake and church service.

1. I don't want a wake, first things first. Instead I'd prefer an informal gathering somewhere. Don't sit around looking at my corpse, instead be together helping each other by telling stoires of my time with you. Things that made you laugh. Remember the fun and smiles that I helped create. Talk about how I helped you get through hard times. Talk about how much I loved you all. That is the best way to say goodbye to me, not by crying in loss, but laughing knowing that somewhere out there I'm sticking my tongue out at you.
2. I don't care what you do with my body. If you wanna bury it somewhere so you feel you have a place to visit, go ahead. If you want to cremate it and keep it in a vase so you can pass it around sometimes, go ahead. If you want to stuff it and put it on display in a circus, go ahead. I'm not using it anymore. It's just a rotting piece of meat. Don't waste time fixing it up, or trying to preserve it. Let it rot so the world has more room for those who come next. At the rate the world is going we'll someday have a whole planet of graveyards. The fact that we have homeless folks out there, and yet keep making room for dead bodies is kind of wrong, no matter how much I love graveyards.
3. Play music I liked. None of this curch crap. Put on something with a beat to it. Songs to sing along with. I have quite the collection of music, so pick out a CD or two and pop them in. Maybe 'In my Life' by the Beatles, or 'My Funeral' by Crash Test Dummies or even 'Happy Phantom" by Tori Amos. I'm not saying don't make it appropriate, but at least make it good music. (How about 'You Keep a Knocking But you Can't Come in" by Little Richard? Heh).
4. Keep me out of the church. I don't need a church service. It would make no sense. The only times I go into a church is for a wedding or funeral. I don't want the last memory of me that people have is from inside of a church ok? I might have to sit up and smack somebody, and that would throw off all thier ressurection stuff.
5. Enough with the dress clothes. I HATE dress clothes. So stick the black dresses and black ties and black dress shoes in the back of the closet and put on some jeans. I would want people to be comfortable, cause I know I want to be comfortable. So don't bury me/burn me in a dress outfit either. Jeans and a T-Shirt have done me good so far in life, so why not after the fact? Eternity with a tie.... Ugh.
6. Eat. Either a nice buffet like we had today or maybe a backyard BBQ. Food has been a staple of my life, it's why my waist line is about the same measurment as the Titanic's ballroom. Anyways, it sucks crying about people on an empty stomach.
7. If you are going to bury my a**, then put something apropriate on the tombstone. None of this 'Loved Son/Brother/Boyfriend/Friend' stuff. Keep it simple. Maybe just "He made us smile." I think that would be the best thing for people to remember me by. I've always done my best to make people smile. Anyways, I'm not sure they'd print "He Loved Boobies" on a tombstone.
8. Lastly, if you want to do something in memory of me make it something that reminds you of me. So no giving to charity (most of my friends and family don't got money themselves, and since I have always done my best to give them what money I could it doesn't make sense for them to give some away and make themselves even more broke). Try reading a book. It was one of my favorite things in life. I'd suggest either Steven King or Terry Pratchett. Maybe Clive Cussler. Or if your not a big reader then make it simple like Garfield or Calvin & Hobbes. If your really not a reader then watch a zombie movie. Zombies eating people! Who knows, I might just be sitting next to you watching too.

I'm going to miss Big Bob. But when I think of him I won't be thinking about this afternoons service, or last nights wake. I won't be thinking of everyone crying, or the readings the preacher did. I'll be thinking about the 2 of us, driving home from Riverside amusement park, with everyone else in the car asleep, listening to Big D 103 classic rock and discussing how much better music was back then and seeing how many of the songs we could sing along with.
So here's to you Big Bob, to hell with resting in peace... you get up there and get your hands on a record player and crank the volume up to 11 and rock that place till the break of dawn. I've got the tunes cranked down here, so lets chase the dark away with a little loud a** music. I'll miss you, but I'll see you again someday.

"Bottle of Wine
Fruit of the Vine
When you gonna let me get Sober
Leave me alone
Let me go Home
Let me go Home and Start over....."