Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Coming Soon to a Bookstore Near You!

The most eagerly awaited sequel of our lifetimes:

The Bible Pt.2
God Speaks Out

After almost 2 millenium of waiting, God has writen the follow up to the best selling book in history, The Bible.

"I was getting disgusted with how people were misinterpeting my words and decided it was time to lay things on the line"-God

In this amazing book God drops all the parables and stories and lays it all out plainly!

"This changes everything! We had no idea."-Pope Benedict XVI

He tackles the tough issues of the day like:
Abortion- "If you don't want kids don't have sex!"
Death Penalty- "Thou Shalt Not Kill is as blunt as I could put it, it doesn't change just because it's done by commitee!"
Homosexuality- "I gave people the ability to love, who they decide to love is up to them. That's the beauty of free will"
The Davinci Code- "It's a great book, but it belongs in the fiction section."

"It put me back on the straight and narrow!"- James Baker

From the 10 commandments (What Part Of Thou Shall Not Confused You? Chapter 6) to creation (Guess What? Your All Monkey At Heart. Chapter 12) God leaves no stone unturned. He talks about other Biblical Icons:

Jesus: "A common misconception is that Jesus is my son. Actually Jesus is a part of me made mortal. I lived a full human life and died by your hands to show that I wasn't above it all. From Mary in the manger, to my marriage to Mary Magdalene, to Judas screwing me and ending up on the cross. I wouldn't change it for the world."
The Devil: "People think Lucifer is rulling hell, WRONG! He was put in Hell to pay for his sins, not to watch over it. All the bad people do has nothing to do with him, he takes no credit for it at all and blaming him for things you've done is crap. He's suffering there, not tempting anyone."
Hell: "When folks think of Hell they think of fire and brimstone. But what harm can fire do to a soul? None. Hell is a place you go to learn to repent. You stay there till you truly feel sorry for what you've done and ask my forgiveness. You don't burn, what you do is relive all the bad emotions and heartaches you've caused to other people in your life, experiancing thier pain over and over."
Moses- "I liked Moses, he was really a nice guy and very dedicated. But near the end he strated to get a bit power hungry and needed to be taken down a peg."

"One of the scariest books I've ever read, I Shit my pants!"-Steven King

Read Gods words right from his own pen. He leaves nothing out this time, including his thoughts on religions, war, governments, and pollution. He cuts it down to the bone this time.

"After the Flood I promised I would never destroy the world by water again. What people don't understand is that I have a million other ways to clean the slate if they don't shape up. From asteroids and meteors to fire and plague I could get it back down to a handful of believers any time I wanted to. But at the rate you're messing the world up with pollution I may not have to do a thing."-God

Read Gods take on other major religious books like the Koran or the Book Of Mormons. See which religions he endorses and which he crusifies. From Christianity, to Muslum, to Jewism, to Paganism, to the Curch of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints, to Penticostals, to Born Again Christians, to Cathalasisim:

"The Catholic Church loves to condem things other religions do, but what about some of the skeletons in thier own Vatican?"-God

"5 Stars" says the Times "For the sake of your soul you won't be able to put it down!"

He even touches upon major parts of history:

Dinosaurs- "I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the world yet so I played around a little. But it became obvious that big lizards wern't the way to go. I do admit I had fun coming up with Stegasaurus though. I just loved those big plates on it's back."
Sodom and Gamorah- "I am as patient as I can be, but when there's folks making statues of me and then crapping on them I get ticked. I warned them and they didn't listen so I put my foot down, literally!"
The Holocaust- "I broke my heart watching what was happening, but I learned long ago that I needed to keep out of it all and stop with the big miracles. If you interfere one time people expect it every time. Mankind has to learn to do what's right by itself."
911- "I'll admit, I broke my rule of staying out of it this time. While I do my best to let life happen as it was meant to, knowing that the Twin Towers were to be hit I steped in and changed the path of the other 2 planes. I helped give courage to the passengers of the flight United 93 that let them force the plane down in the field, and I made sure American Airlines 77 hit where it would do the least amount of damage, in a closed for repair section of the Pentagon building. I had to let history run it's course, and that meant letting the folks in the airplanes die, but that doesn't mean I didn't do anything."

So get off your praying knees and head to your local bookstore for the most eagerly awaited book since the last Harry Potter novel (Which God also covers: "I love Snape, he's just so good at being arrogant! Bless you JK Rowling!")! Buy it today!

(Ok, a quick word. I don't mean to piss anyone off with this, and if I did so I appologize. I was having a conversation with Babushka and complaing about how if the Bible is God's book why did he make it so vague that we end up with thousands of differant religions all interpeting it in differant ways and killing each other over it? Why couldn't it just be plain and simple. The I got the idea of a sequal to it and couldn't stop laughing. While I don't believe in it all, I don't mean to crap on anyone elses beliefs. Most of this doesn't express my beliefs, heck I don't even believe in a diety, and if I wrote something you don't agree with forgive me. Just remember, if there is a God he has a sense of humor so why shouldn't you? After all he did create the Platypus.)


21 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger Jay Screams...

I believe in god but I am not religious. I don’t read bible (can't remember the last time I own one or read it)

But what I do know is "God has a sense of humor" just like all of us too.

2:37 AM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

That is some funny shit!! I needed a good laugh!!!

8:20 AM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

that was well written!!! You have some great skills!! This really shows people here in blog land who don’t know you personally (like I do, expressing proudly) how amazing your sense of humor is!! You are unlike any individual I have ever met!! Man that is funny shit!! I can’t stop reading it!!! I love the quotes!!! Cheers see you tonight!!! I am going to have to gice you a fanny grab for making me laugh so hard!!!

11:37 AM  
Blogger Quiet Screams...

That has got to be the funniest thing I have heard today...in fact all week.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Burfica Screams...

that was great!!!! I am living proof that god has a sense of humor. hehehehe

God gave us all a sense of humor to, so why not use it.

Smile it takes 42 muscles in your face. hehehehe

1:59 PM  
Anonymous Midget Screams...

LAUGHED


MY


BALLS


OFF!


(now I gotta find 'em.....)

2:42 PM  
Blogger Gama Screams...

LMAO!!!

2:51 PM  
Blogger The Creeping Unknown Screams...

THIS IS HYSTERICAL!!! LOVED IT!!!

3:48 PM  
Blogger Max Screams...

Really funny! Don't mean to be all wierd, but god supposedly did not write the bible, it was people who witnessed god and the stories. Also, I have to disagree with the abortion part. But quite funny. I think people should be able to interprete the bible there way- To me it's not that big of a deal it's vague but it's so stupid when people try to force their interpretations on others...

5:53 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

You have no idea how bad I needed to laugh today, and I read this and next thing you know, I'm crying I'm laughing so hard. I think God has a sense of humor too... =o)

7:21 PM  
Blogger Azathoth Screams...

Glad this went over so well, was afraid I'd have a bunch of poeple talking about my eternal damnation on this one.
Oh and Sheet: I don't agree with the Abortion one either, remember I said these arn't necessarily my opinions.

10:41 PM  
Anonymous Special K Screams...

THIS IS VERY FUNNY!!! I come check out your shit from The Creeping Unknown (my dear friend) and I always leave with a good chuckle! Keep it up!!

1:23 PM  
Blogger SunGrooveTheory Screams...

This is Awesome!! I love it!

12:55 AM  
Blogger The Lone Rangers Screams...

Hilarious!!

7:12 AM  
Blogger MomThatsNuts Screams...

VERY well written,,, funny, witty, blasphemous and rude! Personally I dug it....lol

Mom

2:13 PM  
Blogger superfan Screams...

guess who's back
back again
guess whos back guess who's back etc

is that from an eminem song?

dunno.
proper safe innit.

5:59 AM  
Blogger Alekx Screams...

I needed a laugh and this did it.

The Sodom and Gamora thing...Well think about every statue getting shit upon by pigions.

God's fault for making pigions therefore you should expect to have a statue shat upon.

7:59 PM  
Blogger jlb Screams...

That's really funny. Needed to laugh to night.

8:49 PM  
Blogger Dorko Screams...

OH AZA!
I loved the way you put this together! Entertaining, & thought provoking - without, in my opinion, being offensive! Way to go! There's been times when I'd dearly love to see a piece like this run in the editorials of the local paper. Thanks for not letting your second guesses rob us of a great post!

1:08 PM  
Blogger Noblesse Oblige Screams...

THE OMNIPRESENT IS TRUTH.

5:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:00 PM  

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