Sunday, August 14, 2005

Mental changes

I hate how my mind works sometimes. Spent 11 hours at work, depressed and sore once the drugs wore off (can only take 1 pill in morning, 1 in evening, so if they wear off early I'm screwed.). So at the end of the day Midget calls and asks me over. I force myself to accept, it's not that I don't want to see him it's just my mind is in the pits and wants to be anti-social and is pissed I won't let it. So I go over and spend time with Midget, his foance Amazonia, and his brother Dwarf. While I'm there with them I'm fine. In pain but laughing and smiling and enjoying the company. Midget catches me up to date on video game goings on, Amazonia tells me how wierd it is doing the food shopping over the computer thing, and then we watch the second to last episode of "Six Feet Under". I have fun, they even buy me dinner (which my brain is screaming at me for now "you broke a** loser you couldn't even buy chinese food"). I say farewell at 10, I even get a booby rub hug from Amazonia (This is a joke actually. I love Midget, but one of his few major issues is a really huge jealous streak. Don't get me wrong, he has history supporting this issue of his, but if he ever really though his fiance was purposly rubbing her tits against someone else he'd probably pull a shotgun out of his a** and shoot everyone in range.)
Within ten minutes of leaving however, my mind is backat trying to convince me to give up. It's talking about how far all of my friends have gotten in thier lives while I'm a broken down disgrace. So many of my friends own houses or condos, have kids, decent jobs, married, while here I sit broke and broken. Can't afford to to rehab for my back because I don't have enough money to pay the co-pay. Am too twitchy to even think of surgery (I was stabbed in the leg once and now flip if anyone comes near me with a knife/scalple/sharp instrument ect.). So now I sit in this empty house and have to take my drugs so I can try and sleep. Don't know why my mind can be fine while I'm with people but kaka when alone, maybe it's just because I don't like my company.
I'm such a waste.

10 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger Dorko Screams...

You could be describing my own 'mood' when I feel the walls closing in - I get just like... this.
I actually like the solitude. Sending good vibes and sunny thoughts your way, AZA!
Hope you're feeling better soon.

1:45 AM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

life is piss but your doing just fine!! Never comapre yourself to anyone other then yourself. Screw what your friends have!!! If you had these things it might not make any happier. I am poor too!! When we see you thursday I will mke you hot dogs and hamburgers so we can both save dough!!! see you soon oi!! cheer up mate life is piss but we got each other!!! us two chillin in the septic tank!!!

11:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

Pain can really make a person depressed; been there, done that. Just please remember that this too will pass, and something good is eventually going to come around. Take care of him, BM! *Sending you a booby hug*

1:13 PM  
Blogger The Creeping Unknown Screams...

Azathoth, you must have faith that things will work out for you and don't quit. Keep on keeping on, my friend. I get in those dark places too, and think that nothing will ever happen - like trying to say to myself "I will have a baby" after nearly a decade of infertility. I still have hope.

Sending big titty hugs.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Dorko Screams...

I'd send you a big, warm, fuzzy -'er strike that!...jiggly!, yes, jiggly - Boobie Hug, too - but, I've handed mine over to someone else.[not sure if they've got a gun up their butt or not???] SOOO better lick your fingers instead. [Mmm, KFC! Bonus!]~

6:17 PM  
Blogger Burfica Screams...

OOoOOOOO do I get to rub my boobies on you anytime I want??? yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Hang in there baby doll, we are all here for ya.

8:12 PM  
Anonymous Midget Screams...

Just for the record, I do not keep firearms, or any WMD's or any other weapons in any of my orifices or on my person.

Just wanted to clear that up.

And Amazon can rub her boobies on anyone she wants. (gritting....Teeth.....)

1:47 AM  
Anonymous Midget Screams...

Aza, I owe you more than you remember. Who's always been there for every crappy break up I went through? Who was there to help me pack up my shit when my own brother took off and left me to get outta my apartment the next day, those many years ago? Who lent me $200 dollars when I needed it? Who used to drive me around and go WAY the fuck out of his way to pick my ass up when I was too stupid to keep my registration and/or insurance up to date?? PLease man, I may have my shit together NOW but if it wasnt for you, and a very FEW other close friends, I would've never gotten ANYWHERE on my own. You are a great friend, and have no idea of your own worth. It makes me sad to see someone who has no idea how much you affect the lives of other, and how many people love you.
So cut this shit out.
Loves, and peace mutha-fuckin out

1:53 AM  
Anonymous Midget Screams...

oh and one more thing.

I do not EVER hold what I have over anyone's head. If I buy dinner, or something when you're over, it's cause I care about you. I also think I should go out of my way to do things for the people I care about, and esp those people who go out of their way for me. I'ts just comomon courtesy. I have always said, whatever is mine, also belongs to my friends, anyone on this site knows this about me.
This DEFINATELY goes for Aza. He is the best friend a guy (or girl of course) could EVER have. He is loyal, courageous, and even though he gets mopey, always makes me laugh. Any of his ex's who may be reading this blog? You're all fucking nuts. To pass up this guy, you'd have to be. I hope you die dried up old prunes, alone and barren for letting this one slip through yer fingers.
Jeff, BM is right, you need to worry about yourSELF and what is right for you. Not what I have, what Bald God has, or what BM has. When You and You alone decide it's time for you to move on, you will.
Untill then, enjoy life, be a kid as long as you can, and be well & happy. That's all life really boils down to. you can't ask for more, that's capitalistic :-)
Seriously be well. We all love you.
I'm really, really done now.
I promise

2:09 AM  
Blogger SunGrooveTheory Screams...

Hmm, I have a book here, it is called NeuroLinguisticProgramming- I really think it might do you well to look into it, sweetie. I have found it incredibly helpful.
Oh, and mediation might help- I don't like medicine really, so of course my advice would be to at least cut your dosage of the pain pills in half. Then get yourself a serene place, a little aromatherapy and candlelight, and just count your breaths until you get to 42. Then count them back down again. Then get up, and go on. :)

12:47 AM  

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