Wednesday, April 05, 2006

These are the people in my Neighborhood: The Demon

Normally I check with people to get thier permission to post thier pictures. This is one of the few cases where I'm not doing that.
I started this blog about 2 years ago, just after she left me again. It was part of my way of dealing with an old familiar pain. The pain caused by a woman that I would have married if she had let me.
I first met her through her older sister in high school. We became friends and stayed that way for many years. I was friends with the whole family in fact. I started developing feelings for her just after she finished school. I got up the courage to tell her about 2 years later while she was in collage. She stoped talking to me for a year. Then we were friends again. We hung out all the time. She knew how I felt but also that I was leaving it alone. Then she stated flirting with me... Alot. So after about 2 years of it I asked her again to date me. She stopped talking to me for 4 years. Then she came back and told me she loved me and always had. She said she couldn't stay with anyone because she always compared them to me. So we dated finally. She left again 3 months later. That was 2 years ago. All in all it's been 16 years now.
She had something really bad happen to her when she was little. A family type happening. Do to this she has a hard time when it comes to dealing with certain emotions. She once told me that she only dates a**holes because thats how she's used to being treated, and that I make her feel special and she doesn't know how to handle it so she runs. I still don't know how to answer that. Part of me always says that there comes a point when you have to take responsibility for your actions. You become old enough to know the differance between right and wrong and can't spend eternity blaming a bad childhood. Yet for her I always seem to make an exception.
Do I miss her? Yes.
Do I wish she'd come back? Yes
Would I be friends with her again even after all the pain? Yes
Would I date her again?.....No.
I have Babushka now and will spend my life with her if things go right.
But the Demon and I have been so close for so long that I will always have a place for her in my life. In some ways she helped me be a person that I actually liked. I was more outgoing, more prone to do more than just sit around. We would go to the movies and to bars and sometimes just where ever we felt like it. We'd spend hours in book stores. We'd go clothes shopping for her and have a blast goofing off in the stores. We'd laugh so much my jaw would hurt. Despite all the pain and how mnay times she's broken my heart all I can remember is us skipping through the ailes at Wal-Mart and having a pillow fight in bed supplies. All I can remember is us in the movie theatres with her hiding her face at the scary parts. Of teaching her how to drive at the beach. Of pouring cold water on her while she was showering and her chasing me naked through her house. Of spending three days sitting in a hospital with her while she had food poisoning. Of her cuddling up to me the first time we slept in a bed together.
I have never loved someone the way I did her. I have never been the same person in front of anyone as I was around her.
Yes I have come close to killing myself over her. Yes I have cried so much from her over the years I could write a book. Yes I have some friends who want to shoot her. Yes I have some family that want to shoot her too.
But in some way she will always be one of my best friends.
In some ways she will always be one of my Angels.
Even if she is also always my own personal Demon.

16 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

FUCK HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SHE'S A CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10:58 AM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:09 AM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:10 AM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...

Come to me (my blog) I made you a gift!!!

with love bm

11:18 AM  
Blogger MomThatsNuts Screams...

WOW wonder how BM feels about your demons?? I think we all have one of those AZ....I only run into mine at funerals. We all have bad things happen to us ( I personally was raped in college) you just gotta move on and let it make you stronger or let it go...someday maybe I will blog about that story. Im more embarassed than anything....but it sure didnt stop me from dating or marrying or having kids or loving or hating or well, eating..hehehehe
Have a great day AZA.......

12:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

Tough.... No offense but-- wat a "b"!!! She leaves and come sback... common, let her go and dun feel bad. U loved her, she left u... worthless 2 look back and cry :-( Best luck 2 ya w/ dis girl. Shes pretty but sucha teaze. Well at least u neva go back w/ her, u have a good relationship. Dats possitive, so good luck ;-) PEACE

6:55 PM  
Blogger Burfica Screams...

For her to blame stuff on her past or in her childhood, is bullshit, it's just an excuse. I know...I've had alot of stuff happen to me. I won't go into it now, I might post about it some time. But that is a fucking excuse, and her to do that...means she doesn't deserve to wipe your ass Aza. I say this with the most love, cuz you make who you are. And if she is gonna lean on that crutch or use it as excuses to some people then she needs alot more help than you can provide.

9:00 PM  
Blogger She Must be Full of BS Screams...

I agree with everyone here. Especially the whole "aww, look at me, bad stuff happened, so now by some cosmic rule thingie that doesn't allow me to make my own decisions about my life or have any original thoughts of my own, I'm only allowed to date assholes" thing. Burfica's right, it's a load of horseshit. If you remember, honey, you rescued me after the second Really Bad Thing that's happened to me... the first being when I was 12yrs. Sure, after that I dated some jerks, but as soon as they treated me bad I left. The ones that treated me good always did the leaving eventually. And now I've got Mr.M, and you've got Babushka, and I really hope we're both off on the right path. I think we are... ;)

2:01 AM  
Blogger She Must be Full of BS Screams...

And not for nothing, if she knows she has this problem about dating abusive jerks, and it's legit, get some damn therapy. Yeesh.

Love you Az.

2:02 AM  
Blogger BM, The Necessary Movement Screams...


Therapy is a good idea for most people but for her she needs a gun and several bullets!! Take a couple of them AND DONT CALL ME IN THE MORNING!!!

11:07 AM  
Blogger Libby Screams...

aza...i know it's hard to let go of someone who 'could've' been right for you in different circumstances, but if they can't move forward in life, it's sure not YOUR fault!!

2:51 PM  
Blogger Dream Screams...

This is lame... Now every time I come here I have to see the skank's picture...
I'd rather look at midgets picture...
Does that make me gay?
I haven't seen Brokebutt Mountain yet... I am trying to resist...
Where was I?
Oh yea...
Please make more posts, so her picture goes down the page, so every time I come here my testes don't shrivel up...

12:15 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

i'm sorry to hear that she is still haunting you after all these years. i agree with the others that we all have those people in our lives. my demon's name is john mcquade and if anyone out there ever runs into him-run! i don't know what else to say without sounding cliche' except its really lame that she has done this to you. if she came back after all those years claiming to have loved you and compared all the other men to you, then why the hell did she leave you 3 months later? trust me, you're right she's screwed up. i dated a lot of creeps too but finally met a good guy and kept him. it doesn't make sense to say that you realize why you do something and then still do it. i mean how she told you that she was used to dating dicks and she doesn't know of any other way to be treated. uh, how about being treated good? it feels nice. whatever. that pisses me off. fuck her.

9:24 PM  
Blogger Julie Screams...

We all have that 'one love' that we can't ever 'let go of' and that we totally romanticize, beyond what is real. While you were together, it was that GREAT, but then what? HAS she loved you back, like you have her? She doesn't deserve 1/2 the guy you are.. she isn't 1/2 the person you are.
You love a dream, not the DEVIL,, but the demon sure don't love you and don't deserve your time or attention my sweet loving kind soul! Send her down the river of your past life and move on w/ the woman by your side who is showing you what real love is.

11:45 PM  
Blogger themadamefiles Screams...

Oh I've been down that road, went around the block, parked in front of it, drove past it in the middle of the night, obsessed over it, cried over it, and there are times when I can see it so clearly - so sharply that my skin slices and my blood flows like oil.

I think we will always have our 'demons'. I think they come into our lives to shed light on the shadow of what we could have been - regrets that hang in the back of our throat, scraping tissue every time we cough. We cough up blood. Scraping at memories, scaping at the wounds that never quite heal.

I have learned to move past him, the memories we shared because that was the old me. Memories are supposed to be things we look back on - frozen in time, like pictures in a museum. What would the Mona Lisa look like if DaVinci wanted to 'touch up' or come back and repaint a part of Mona's face two years after the fact?

It's hard to leave memories behind, especially if they are beautiful. But that is why they are beautiful - they are set in stone. The past can't be altered, and in that permanance of memory, there is a stillness, a mystery that should remain a mystery.

You will always love her, and she will always love you, but you are different now. You have evolved and loved again. You will never love the same way you loved her, but that is okay too. Life is meant to be like that.

That is why no time machine exists. We learn from our mistakes, we grow from our experiences, we love and leave, but the memories, ah, the memories. Let's keep them in a safe place, where they can't be destroyed, and where they can't destroy us.

Love to you my sweetest Az.


12:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

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6:00 PM  

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