Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Iceman Cometh (my memories and stuff)

It was wnter time and a few friends of mine decided that we should all go to the slops and go skiing. I was 16 and had never been on skiis before, in fact I had never even had the urge to go. I knew nothing about skiing and wasn't big into the whole "snow" thing, but what the hell right? An experiance is an experiance. So we pack ourselves up and headed to the trails. When we got there we went and rented some equipment, since only 2 of our group owned ski's. One of them who did was my little friend Curley. He told me not to worry he'd teach me what to do and promised I'd have a blast. Now I knew he was a evil little bastard but it didn't occur to me to question this offer. So the whole group heads for the top of the slope, and not one of the "bunny" trails either, but a decent sized one. I was nervous, and in fact almost didn't manage to get off the ski lift. If he hadn't ynked me aside I probably would have gotten hit by the damn ski lift chair because I wasn't moving fast enough. That should have warned me. So as we're getting ready he deciedes to start giving me pointers. He showed me how to use those poles you get, how to stay upright n skiis (That took awhile, I'm not the most gracefull of beings). He explained how to turn.
Then he tells me "If you need to stop all you have to do is hunker down low in a crouch and force your wieght down on the skiis, thats aply pressure and will bring you to a stop".
If any of you have gone skiing, or even watched one of the 10 million skiing movies put out you'll see where this is going.
So off we went down the snow. At first it wa fun, a bit. Most of the party headed off down faster than I, so I was kind of left behind a bit. I went side to side and was enjoying the trip when I came to the steeper part of the hill. I decided I should go slowly down this part and so I hunkered down on the skiis. the only problem was that I didn't seem to be stoping. So I crouched down lower, but instead of crusing to a stop I started to pick up speed. So I crouched about as low as I could go, I was now moving too fast for me to turn, and I didn't even have the nerve to try and use the damn poles for fear of ripping my arm out of the socket from the speed I was attaining. At my height and weight (6'4", as I seem to end up saying every few posts now, and at the time about 230lbs) the amount of force I was pushing down with was pretty good, but it wasn't slowing me at all. I just couldn't understand. I was now heading into the rest of the skiiers on the slope and didn't know what to do. So I started to scream at people to get out of my way. Somewhere along the way I lost my hat, and so my hair was flying out behind me (It was about down to the between my shoulder blades at that age) and from what I was told after I made an impressive site. I collided with the first person at that point, some poor scmuck who I didn't think even heard me coming. I had kind of hoped that hitting someone else would stop me. He went flying and yet I didn't even swerve from my path, sometimes being big isn't an advantage. Then another person fell victem, and another. I was plowing into people every few moments, and yet I still kept going at an alarming velocity. I passed my friends and as I went by I clearly saw Curley laughing his a** off. It was at this point my brain realized I had been had. But there was nothing I could do by now but ride this out. More people came and went, victems of the Azathoth avalanche. Finally I noticed there was a turn in the slope and it was bordered by a fence. With no way to turn I braced myself and was brought to a jolting halt as I collided with it. One ski went flying, I lost the poles, and I fell on my butt.
A few people showed up to see if I was alright. They helped me up and to get the other ski off. Then Curley and the crew got there. He was laughing, but not for long. I picked him right off the ground and, ignoring his screams, slammed him down into a snow bank on the other side of the fence. With that I walked down the rest of the slope and waited at the lodge for the rest of them to finish. In total I knocked down 13 people during my flight down the snow. Fortunatly no one was seriously hurt.
Needless to say, that was the last time I ever got on skiis.

12 Voices In The Darkness:

Blogger Bookend Screams...

Well, Az, seems we share another thing in common...I had a similar skiing experience back when I was 13 or 14, and I have never gone back to try it again...Some of us just weren't made for skis...

Loved the story...

8:41 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

I've never been snow skiing, but I did make a very poor attempt at waterskiing one summer. (I was very good at getting dragged face down in the water by the boat.)

Hilarious story!!!

2:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

i haven't been skiing either but now i'm really not going. that sounds like a story right out of a comedy movie. that sounds crazy!

2:57 PM  
Blogger Dorko Screams...

As I live and breath, you've just described my supposed worse nightmare for da slopes. I don't ski. I don't wanna learn. Closest I'll go is driving through mountain tarain and adding the word "ski" on the endski of other wordski. lol at your chagrin! Thanks for sharing!

4:14 PM  
Blogger Alekx Screams...

Oh hun, I'm so sorry but I about fell outta my seat laughing. I really do think you might be related to Burf and I in some distant way.

Also all I could envision is someone looking like Big Foot hurtling down the mountain. Now I know where all the stories in the National Enquirer spring from

1:01 PM  
Blogger gundum_shenlong Screams...

And that story shows why I'll never go skiing

2:16 PM  
Blogger Burfica Screams...

Oh man what Alekx said is so true. I couldn't help myself. I was cracking up too. But I laugh at my own miss haps, so of course I would laugh at others. hehehehehe

7:11 PM  
Blogger Joy Screams...

Ive never snow skiied either. I was going to attempt water skiing though until I watched several friends get their eyelids turned inside out right in front of me.
Im not scared to bungee jump or cliff dive, but to hell with getting my eyelids turned inside out.

Miss you Az :)

4:35 AM  
Blogger The Creeping Unknown Screams...

Aza, I went on a ski trip at the insistence of friends. I was happy dressed up as a skier and hanging at the bar. They forced me to go skiing and I fell on my ass down the slope and felt like I was going to die or hit a tree. I hate it I will never go skiing again!! BLAH.

8:32 AM  
Blogger Paul Screams...

You don't sound much like the spiritual antiChrist despite your blog title, which is sort of at odds with mine.

For sure we're not at odds on the slopes!

In college, a few friends convinced me to go skiing. I'd literally never been on skis. My friend John only had been a couple times, but very athletic. My other two friends had skied a lot.

I get about five minutes of "lesson." Next thing you know I've got my hiney poised for the chair lift, and I guess there's a technique for doing that which I hadn't been taught, because, WHAM! One ski pole goes flying out of my hand as the wooden chair slams into the back of my legs.

We get to the top of the slope. The stopping part was also left out of my lesson. So of course the chair just leaves you there, but with all this inertia. I stand there in a frozen position, allowing the laws of physics to take over. They deposit me in the nearest snowbank that was in a straight line to my direction.

As I'm lying there on my back an attractive young woman approaches. "Is this yours?" she asks. I don't know how she had it figured out, but anyway, she hands me my ski pole.

My friends help me to my feet. Otherwise I guess I would have spent the night.

It wasn't far to the top of the slope. I look down. "John - THIS is the beginner's slope?" In the car, they'd said we'd just be going down the beginner's slope.

"No," John states matter of factly. "This is the intermediate slope." So there was some kind of mix up there.

I went down the intermediate slope basically sliding on my hindside. I got better and better at standing up again, though. Toward the bottom I actually did ski a little, but that was the last time.

7:54 PM  
Blogger SunGrooveTheory Screams...

Don't blame you at all there buddy. You know, that was no kind of joke to play on a friend!!
I don't like skiing, or snow, for that matter, either...

Good story. :)

3:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous Screams...

I still can't believe he did that to you, that was evil. I couldn't do that to someone, espeically when I think about how hurt everyone involved could have been. It does sound like something out of a movie though, to bad it wasn't!
It's good to know you have gotten smarter over the years.

11:25 PM  

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