Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Kick 'em when their down

So it's been a series of crap all rolled up into a series of crap that smells just like a big series of crap...
Was sick all weekend. Then had to get a new tire for my Wife because her's blew out. Then hurt my back. Then her car got stuck in a flooded road on the way home and the engine got wet and is shot, we need to have an insurance person look and see if they want to fix it or total it. Just bought the freakin' thing this summer. Of course I had to push the thing out of the water, which ruined my work boots and hurt my back more. My poor Wife is having a mini breakdown, so I can't let her know I'm in pain. At least I got her smiling somewhat again. Also, since we have to go through the insurance it means our premiums will probably go up.. which we really can't afford. We have 2 weddings, a vacation to Canada, and a renewal of Vows all hitting this summer. Not sure how we're going to afford all this. My work is jerking me around when it comes to my desk at the building I work in. They want to replace it with something that matches the 'ambiance' of the building... meanwhile I have no where to sit or put my stuff. I'm so close to just snapping...

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


So I've started receiving threatening mail from the government because I have dared not responding to their 2010 census forms they've sent me. They keep pressing the point that it is ILLEGAL to not respond to the census bureau. What a freakin joke... Like the biggest concern in the government right now is the fact that there might be people out there they don't have secret files on. They're are actually wasting time, paper, and MONEY on this crap. Can I think of a bigger waste of tax payer money? Well.. yes i can, but this definitely has to be in the top 50 or so.. lord knows the government has some really spectacular ways to waste money. But just the obnoxiousness of making this a law that folks must respond to this crap. What makes this even worse is that they can fine people for not replying.. up to $100. HOW FUCKING STUPID IS THIS?!?! Some one really needs to start auditing the government. Give the whole system a giant enema. And people ask me why I don't Vote? BECAUSE NONE OF THESE MORONS ARE WORTH VOTING FOR! Don't tell me if I don't vote I don't have a right to complain, my vote is worth too much to me to waste on a lesser of two evils situation which is what ever election comes down to these days. I refuse to give my vote to anyone who I don't fully support, and so far NONE of them who have run have been worth supporting. It's no longer a case of who can do a better job, but who will do less damage or who tells the better lies. How the hell did it come to this?
Maybe being an Anarchist isn't such a bad thing after all...

Monday, March 22, 2010


So, I've always been overweight. The closest I've gotten to being slim was in collage, before I screwed up my back, and when I was lifting weights. I was down to 260, and looked ok I guess. But since my back went out it seems as if my weight just keeps going up and up. I'm almost 340 right now, and I hate how I look. Yet I find that everytime I try and loose weight my mind and body work against me. Last week I decided that enough was enough, I was going to start going for walks and cut back on my food portions. Not change what I was eating, just eat less of it. That afternoon while I was out running errands I stopped by Burger King and had a quad stacker. I hadn't had fast food for almost 7 months before this. And it wasn't till after I ate, and was feeling overfull, that I literally yelled at myself "WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST DO!" I hadn't even thought about it, just bought it and ate. It was like my mind said "Well, he wants to loose some weight so lets fuck with him". Other times I will plan to start walking more, go on hikes in the afternoon while I was up but before I need to start dinner for when my Angel gets home. So I walked one day. The next I didn't wake up till so late I didn't have time to go before I needed to start dinner. So the next day I set my alarm just in case... then SLEPT through the alarm.
It's not even a conscious thing that I could say is just me being lazy, it's like my mind shuts down when I think about needing to lose weight. I've wondered for years if my weight problem was some screwed up way of me punishing myself for past sins. It's like I look at some of the bad shit I've done, and in response I am slowly eating myself to death. Not that I've done a ton of evil, I'd like to think that I've caused far more smiles than tears, but it feels like the bad stands out far more than the good when I look back sometimes. From the hearts I've broke, to the times my hearts been broken, to friendships lost, chances failed, people I've physically hurt, promises broken... just so much that I think in some ways eating has been my way of hurting myself back.
Does this mean I should see a shrink? I sure hope not, don't think I'm that bad yet. But at the rate I'm going my blood pressure will eventually cause a heart attack, in fact before my Doc put me on meds for it she was amazed I hadn't already had one. She's told me that several of my medical problems, from blood pressure to bad cholesterol to some of my back pains, are a direct result of my weight.
What is it going to take for me to get it through this thick skull that I need to lower my weight...

Friday, March 19, 2010

Age and Paths

So I turned 37 on the 18th... and in some ways it's intimidating to see 40 looming so close over the horizon. Looking back on my life I see that all in all I have had a good run of it. I've had a good family (with one or two exceptions), good friends, some great lovers, and a Wonderful wife. In a world so full of pain, anger, and hate as this one is I feel like I've been blessed. Which is a lot for someone of questionable religious faith to have to admit to. Yes, I took far to long to pay attention to my life, always too busy helping others with theirs. I have no savings (my wife fortunately is a saver, cause I spend quicker than I earn sometimes). I live day to day with little or no thought to the future. Yet somehow things have turned out not too bad. And while I admit to sometimes looking back and do the "what if" thing, perhaps far too often, I can't honestly say I would change much if I could go back. Perhaps find a way of getting to where I am now without hurting a few of the people I did (I never meant to hurt anyone, and that is the truth, but that is an excuse that means little to those who had to deal with the pain.) Perhaps I could have avoided a few of the pitfalls of my life, but to do that I'd have had to avoid some good people and great times. In the end I believe the smiles have outweighed the tears, and that's not something most people can say, and I truely believe that I have caused more smiles that tears in my life.
So here I head towards 40, just a few more turns around the sun. And what I hope for is that I can hold this fragile life I have together, and continue to make people laugh more than I make people cry.
I may never change the world, but the world may never change me...