Saturday, February 26, 2005


My heart is with you and your family BM. If there anything at all you need, I'm here. I love you and your family my friend.

Quick News

I now own a computer and am on the Internet. While I will still gladly use those at my cuz's and my Sis's (they have cable hook-up, which is a lot faster) I have acess without them when I need it. Kind of wierd. The Cro-mag takes another step.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Without a paddle, but still afloat and fighting upstream

Too many thoughts in my head, life throwing things at me far too fast. Don't know how to cope. Trying to be there for so many people, I love them all and want to be someone they can turn to in need. Others try telling me that I can't do it all, that it's too much, but I believe in my ability to be strong enough for those I love. I will not fail them. I may not be able to be everything to everyone, but I can and will be ME! Life may yet beat me, but it will learn that I'm a damn stubborn old bastard who will not break easily. When all is said and done life will know it was in one hell of a fight. They say no one gets out of life alive, well maybe not but life will remember me once I'm gone, by the scars I leave if by no way else. My Mom has cancer, I have several good friends going through a living hell, I may be losing my job and almost broke due to bills, my body may be slowly falling apart, but my will is stronger than this and I will not fall till I'm ready to. I have always said that I don't know how to be strong for myself, but I will never fail if someone needs my strength. I miss those who are gone, I cry for those who are lost, and someday I will be amoungst them. But I am not dead yet. There is good in this world, hard as it is to find. There are smiles out there, hidden though they may be. In the end I will be judged by the company I keep, for they are the reason I live. My friends, my family, my loves, these are the things that I fight to protect and take care of. Even those who have left me will remember me as a good part of thier lives. All those I have touched will know that I did my best to make thier world a better place, even if I failed I still tried.

To my old friend JA, who I have not seen in 15 years, the motto still stands: We will save them all or die trying. Wherever you are old friend, the dream has not been forgotten.

Ghost by Indigo Girls

There's a letter on the desktop
that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to
from our adolescent war
and i start to feel a fever
from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons
shadowing my dreams

and the mississippi's mighty
but it starts in Minnesota
at a place where you could walk across
with five steps down
and i guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown

and there's not enough room in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost
i'm in love with your ghost

dark and dangerous like a secret
that gets whispered in a hush
when i wake the things i dreamt about you
last night make me blush
when you kiss me like a lover
then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river
play your memory like the piper

and i feel it like a sickness
how this loveis killing me
but i'd walk into the fingers
of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity
i've never been this close
in love with your ghost

unknowing captor
you'll never know how much you
pierce my spirit
but i can't touch you
can you hear it
a cry to be free
or i'm forever under lock and key
as you pass through me

now i see your face before me
i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island
as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence
and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like Achilles
with you always at my heels

and my bitter pill to swallow
is the silence that i keep
that poisons me i can't swim free
the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch
i am no worse at most
in love with your ghost

in love with your ghost
shadowing my dreams
in love with your ghost

Mighty Bosstones

I'll let you in on how I'm feeling
You've got a lot of nerve
You'll get what you deserve
Granted this feeling's unappealing
I'm bitter I'll admit
Now I've got to deal with it
Just one more thing o.k.
It's all so sad to say

It's so sad to say
What we had has gone away
You could say it's sad
Think of what we could have had

I let you out without resistance
Parting this way is not
What we had ever thought
I always thought we'd go the distance
But we went nowhere quick
So sad it makes me sick
Just one more thing o.k.
It's all so sad to say

It's so sad to say
What we had has gone away
You could say it's sad
Think of what we could have had.

My animosity has got the best of me
It's been feeding off a sadness deep inside me
that will fade I pray
And in time it will I know
So far it's fading slow

Just one more thing o.k.
It's all so sad to say
It's so sad to say
What we had has gone away
You could say it's sad
Think of what we could have had
So sad to say.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Maybe second chances

After a year of being seperate me and Babushka have decided to give things a second try. I'm a little worried because all of the reasons we broke up still exist. She believes the purpose of life is to woship god and have kids. I want no offspring and don't fully believe in a diety, in fact am often religious hostile. Yet I do love her, and she does love me. I worry because my heart is still in many ways not fixed from the pain of the Demon. Yet since that has been going on for 14 years now I'm not sure it'll ever be free of her ghost (BTW: if you want to hear a great song detailing how I feel, check out Idigo Girls 'Ghost". It sums it up better than I can). I told Babushka I make no promises (I'm a stickler for keeping promises so I try and not make them if I'm not sure I can keep them) yet she wants to give it a go. I'm just worried if things don't work yet again that I may hurt her (Last time she cried and it killed part of me to know the tears were from me) or even loose her (she says she'll never leave, but so have so many others, only a few have proven the words true). But for now I'm not single anymore. Lets see where the road leads......

Monday, February 21, 2005


Grey Eyed Dan, he of the Cold Nights, has decided to leave this little corner of the world we call Blog. I just wanted to wish him well in whatever comes next in his life. May you find the peace and happiness you search for. I enjoyed the brief look into your life and mind. Farewell.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

The EEl's "You just gotta let it go"

I need some sleep
It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss
Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning round
Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go.

Heartache and memeories

So I ran into the Demon's brother last night. I had had a little to drink nad was going to rent a movie with my cuz and he was there. We started talking (I'm still kind of friends with the family) and he was telling me how she's engaged and they bought a house in Hamden and that's she's really happy. Happy without me in her life. I'm glad for her. I really am. And if I keep telling myself that maybe someday I'll believe it. I've tried to analize why the hell I'm so in love with this girl, and the ebst I can come up with is that she reminds me of Meesha, somewhat the same look and the same attitude when she's happy. Part of me keeps thinking I can save her they way I couldn't save her. But at the same time she's differant and I still love her. Have for so long now I don't know how to let go. She's not the only one I've loved, and I still love them all, but for some reason I keep coming back to her. Maybe I could have made a good life with Isis, or Heaven, or Babushka, or even Rie-Rie. But in some way all of them made me feel like in certain ways I just wasn't good enough. The Demon makes me feel like I'm all she'll ever need, until she runs away again. This on top of the depression I already was going through. Sometimes it feels like I'll never pull myself out of this. I hate life right now. I hate me right now. Damn love. Damn me.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Blog problems

Does anyone know why the hell Blogger is giving such problems when it comes to posting or commenting. I keep haveing to sit and wait foreveer for the commenting screen to come up, and it took me almost 5 min to log on and write this post? I didn't used to have prob's like this when I first started on Blog, so what the heck happened?

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Life recently

Let's see.

Spent V-day with Babushka, we're both single so it worked fine. I do miss the Demon, but that didn't stop me from enjoying the Holiday with someone who means the world to me.

I SO need to find a new job. I hate retail. I hate customers, everytime someone walks intot he store I want to tell the to catch ghonnerea and rot from the butt out.

Need to get sleep. Working on 3 hours a night for the last few days. Starting to get kind of loopy.

Haven't been near a comp in a few days and I missed reading blogs. It's like seeing and old friend after a brief time away.

Welcome back Alekx. You've been missed. hope Moms ok.

I'm still fighting this darkness. can't seem to shake it for more than a couple of hours at a time. Not sure whats causing it. Trying not to drink my way out of it, and I don't do pills. but starting to think I might be losing the fight.

My cuz has removed the download thingy from his comp due to viruses he keeps getting so no more new Cd's for me till i get my own comp. That sucks, but I can understand.

Got my state tax back, and it's all gone to bills. Hope I get to hold onto some of my federal.

Thats about it. Smile everyone.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Kell's Bell's

Saw my friend who just bought a house. It was great to see her. I don't get up there much anymore due to our scheduals. I'm so happy her life is starting to work out for her. She's had a bad one (most of her own doing however). After all the years I helped her, to see her now is very rewarding. Of course after all these years she's still very relaxed around me and was walking around bra-less in a t-shirt. Every time I think she's learned about being modest, oops there she is again. Go figure. Oh well, guess I just make her feel very comfortable. Thats a good thing I think. Her kid is so cute too. A bit larger than he should be at his age though. I keep picking that he's going to be my hieght. Hehehe.
Supposed to be going out with my cuz tonight after he gets out of work. I have to work tom, I hate that. Was hoping to spend the day hibernating. Not that I hate V-day or anything, just have no one to spend it with wich takes the luster off the shine. Actually I normally buy gifts for all my female friends at V-day. Not this year because I'm broke, but normally. Oh well.


Won't be near a comp tom so I figured I'd wish everyone a happy V-day today. Hope your spending it with someone you love, and getting some serious wall bouncing sex too. Peace from single land.


I was going to post, but now I can't think of why or what. feels like I'm loosing the desire to do anything. I have to force myself just to go out of the house. Part of me knows this isn't good. I just don't know what to do about it.

Friday, February 11, 2005


Ok, I've had a few people ask me to elaborate on the injuries I've substained over the years. So here goes:

The knee. Just after high school I got into a fight with a kid in a town near mine. I don't even know why he wanted to fight me and all I wanted was to leave, but after someone punches you in the stomach you end up with the urge to get them to understand that they REALLY shouldn't have done that. Due to my size he decided to pull a knife after I knocked him down for the 3rd time. Now I had seen all those shows where they disarm someone with a blade by kneeling on thier wrist. I figured I could do that, so I knocked him down again and went to kneel. The blade however was pointing straight up and slid right into my knee, kinda from the back/side. I let out a yell of both rage and pain that scared the kid so bad he turned white and ran for the hills. According to the dotor I went to it was a miracle that I could still walk. Apparently the knife had managed to not cut anything important. It was stiched up (I still have a scar there) and hurts if I do certain things (like prolonged running or jogging) or on cold raining nights.

The head. A friend of mine's house was being watched by one of her ex-boyfriends. I went to ask him nicely not to do this anymore. While I was looking for him in the woods where he normally hide and watched her house he snuck up and clubbed me with a chunk of wood. As it turned out, he put a crack into my skull and if you feel the right spot on my head you can feel the dent left by this. After the ambulace came (for him actually) I had to sit in a police station for about an hour till someone noticed I was bleeding from the head and was taken to the hospital. He was let go after being charged with stalking and assult, and I was let go since he obviously attacked me first. It doesn't hurt anymore, but I still get bad headaches from time to time which I never used to get.

The ribs. A young lady I was friends with had recently broken up with her hubby. He had called her drunk and said he was comming to get thier 2 year old daughter and if she got in his way he'd kill her. She called me to take her to the police station (he had the car). As I walked up to her doorway I didn't know he was already in the yard hiding in the shadows by thier tree (it was at about 3 am.) When I went to ring the doorbell he came from behind and nailed me with a baseball bat to the side where I had raised my arms. The shot broke the bottom 2 ribs on my right side (shattered them actually). His next shot was at my head but I fell off thier front doorstep and so he missed. After the ambulance was called (for him actually. I put him face first through a double plate glass sliding door. 29 stiches in his face and in a coma for 2 days) he was arrested for assult with a deadly weapon. My friend has sinced moved out of state, and I haven't heard from her since she left. Go figure. The ribs hurt if I do too much, or even if I have to breath heavy for an extended period of time (Try having to explain to someone during a bout of marathon sex that you don't care how much it hurts, your not stopping yet despite the whole side of your body turning red.).

Ooops, got to go. I'll post more soon. Peace everyone.

Oh, and just to add on, BM ows me big since due to MY being over last night he now has a credit for a BJ form the Hottie. I want a reward for that, like beer or something.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


Blue eyes
Brown hair (used to be long, like down to small of my back, but work forced it to be cut years ago and now it's at my neck)
Beard and mustache (trimed, another casualty of work, the wolf man look is gone and I miss it)
295lbs (and over the last few years it has become more fat than muscle. I might still be able to lift the back end of a car like I once could, but I'd be walking hunched over for days if I did).

I miss being able to hide behind my hair. I was once described as looking like Chewbacca after a shaving accident. My body has begun to give out. Bad back (moving too much furniture over the years), bad knee (stab wound), never quite healed ribs (baseball bat). Any excerise I try and do starts to hurt something after only a few min. Wieghts kill my back, running (or prolonged jogging/walking) hurts my knee, and any streaching or sit-ups/push-ups make my ribs ache. I need to diet but I love food. I want to grow my hair back out and let the beard come back full, but I need money and jobs don't like hiring people who look like that. If I ever win the lotto....

Don't know why I'm writing this, except I was looking at a mirror and realizing somewhere along the way I started to look old. Not like grey hair old, just older than I should. I feel old sometimes. Tired and worn out. Ready to just quit and lie down. maybe it's just the melancholy. I've had a few people think I'm cute over the years, and 3 sick individuals who made the mistake of calling me handsome. The best I can come up with is not ugly. I've never quite understood why some women seem attracted to me. I've always said if someone wants to be with me it's for who I am, not how I look. Just another face in the crowd, or maybe a little above it due to my hieght. When I was young I always assumed I'd look better when I grew up. I was wrong. Oh well. This'll teach me not to blog while looking in a mirror while drinking. Some great things just don't go together.

song quotes

so many threats and fears
so many wasted years
before my life became my own

and though the nightmare should be over
some of the terrors are still intact
I'll hear that ugly coarse and violent voice
and it grabs me from behind and it pulls me back

and objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are

The dream is over
what can I say
the dream is over
I was the dreamweaver
but now I live on
(John Lennon)

Got a broken heart again
it must be the millionth time
you're out with all your friends
I'm home alone and cryin
you said we'd last forever
forever came at noon
tonight there's only one thing to do


(JT X-perience)

Leaving flowers on your grave
Show that I still care
But black roses and hail mary's
Can't bring back what's taken from me

I reach to the sky
And call out your name
And if I could trade
I wouldAnd it feels

And it feels likeHeaven's so far away
And it feels
Yeah it feels now
The world is so cold
Now that you've gone away

Monday, February 07, 2005


Had a meeting today at work and through it all all I could think is I don't want to be there anymore. It's all feeling so damn pointless. We waste so much of our lives doing stuff that serves no purpose.
I wanted to go see some of my friends, any of them actually, but everyone is always so busy it's like I need to schedual ahead of time, either that or I have to drive half the state to get to them and I just don't have the energy. Also I know I should spend time with my family, but everyone is so down that it just drags me further. Makes me feel so useless, I hate that.

Dreamt about the Demon the other night, like I needed that on my mind as well. I miss her so sometimes.

Got to find a way out of this funk. Other than drinking (or maybe along with drinking). Any suggestions?

Sunday, February 06, 2005

A few thoughts before the Game

Just a few quick things before I go watch the game.

1. My mom's cancer has come back after 16 years. It's too widespread this time for surgery. It's kind of taken the wind out of the weekend. The only good part is that they say it's a very slow cancer and this type normally reacts well to medicine.

2. Burfica, frist you say you don't love me anymore due to my musical taste, then your offering to dance naked for me and the alchohol. Talk about mood swings (I'm not sure Gigantor would approve. Also, be carefull what you offer to single people. They may just take you seriously. Hee Hee (Kidding!)). Actually I listen to everything. From classical to classic rock, from metal to pop, from country to alternative, from hippie to techno, from oldies to soft rock. The only things I don't listen to much is dance (I don't dance) or Rap (Bad poetry read to other peoples music that they stole), but there are exceptions. Keep an open mind sweetie and I'll try and do better next time. So what do you listen to?
(also, Seffy, just to explain, all of the songs on the list are ones that have significance for me. Angel was sung to me by the Demon while sitting in my driveway holding each other and always makes me think of my time with her. They may not be the best songs, they just hold my memories.)

3. Joy, I hope your feeling better. WHen are you going on your trip? If you get to see Iriebutterfly tell her i say hi!

4. Max, it's an interesting idea, but I'm having a hard time posting or commenting on blog as it is and a marathonm might over tax the system. But keep me posted on the idea.

5. Bm, Thursday sounds great. After this weekend I need some time with you and yours.

6.I'm glad to see that some of the people who were on my Dead but Dreaming list have returned to the blog. Both Dream and Static have posted recently and I'm glad to see thier twisted minds back for all to see. I'll allow myself a little pride and pretend I had something to do with thier returns. Missed you guys.

7. Unfortuantly a few others have moved over to this list. Hopefully they'll be back soon.

8. Um.. theres more but my nephews home and he wants to go play. Hope evyone has a great weekend. (I bought him some Spider-man Figures and I think I'm as excited as he is to play with them. Old? Yes, Grown Up? Nope, Mature? Not even close!)

Friday, February 04, 2005

in the background

see the smile
hear the laughter
ignore the shadows
that lurk behind

enjoy the hug
listen to the jokes
hiding the anger
and the pain

watch the twinkle
in the blue eyes
caused by the tear
that does not fall

enjoy the company
until next time
as i walk away
broken inside

Music Tag

I got this from Just when I thought no one would tag me, thanks G!.

Random top 10 CD's:
1. Meatloaf- Bat Out Of Hell
2. Billy Joel- Greatest hits Vol 1, 2, &3
3. Metallica- Ride the Lightning
4. Bare Naked Ladies- Maroon
5. Garth Brooks- Boxed set
6. Guns N Roses- Use your Illusion 1&2
7. Postal Service- Give up
8. Kenny Chesney- No Shoes No Shirt No Problems
9. Tori Amos- Little Earthquakes
10. Beatles- Sgt. Peppers Lonley Hearts Club Band

1.What is the total amount of music files on your computer? I don't own a comp.
2. The last CD you bought is: Pink Floyd- The Wall (mine got stolen)
3. What is the last song you listened to before this message: Gary Allen- Songs about rain.
4. Write down five songs you listen to a lot or mean a lot to you.
1. Angel by Sarah Mchlaucghlinaclin (I'll never spell her last name right!)
2. Beautiful in my Eyes by Joshua Kadison
3. Fade to Black by Metallica
4. Goldfinger- Counting the Days
5. Rancid- Fall Back Down
5. Who are you gonna pass this stick to (three persons and why)?

Who hasn't already gotten it? Hmmmm....
Dream( Beacuse it's been too long since I heard what he's listeneing too.

BM ( Because I know his musical tastes can be out of this world.

Joy ( Because She rules!

Tag now you are it, copy and paste on your browser and let us know, what kind of music you into.