Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Ladies: pt.4 Rie-Rie

I met Rie-Rie the weekend after Isis and I broke up for good. (oddly, she met someone that weekend too, go figure).
Rie-Rie was my first and only blind date. We met through Ug and his girlfriend (who has become his wife). We spent our first night knowing each other sitting up all night in Ug's living room talking. By morning we were pretty much a couple. We stayed that way for just about the next 2 1/2 years. She lived out of state, so I spent my weekends driving up to see her and stay with her and her family.
We had so much fun together. From going to tag sales to feeding ducks. There were very few time that we were together that we didn't spend laughing. We were so cute together we made people sick.
Of course, we weren't so cute when we got alone. She was insatiable in bed, and as far as I was concerned I couldn't get her extra-reinforced bra off fast enough. The fact that either of our bed's still had springs left was a tribute to modern construction.
The problems started because her family would always talk about moving to Florida. Maybe I was just being stupid, but I let it bother me, alot. More and more I felt that I was going to lose her no matter what I did. Then when she started working night I felt like I never got to see her, like I had a part time girlfriend. Part of it was that she had to sleep on the only 2 days I got to spend with her. It wasn't her fault. I would tell her it didn't bother me, while inside it was eating me up. Poor communication is perhaps the final culprit, either that or just my own stupidity. After around 2 years of happiness I broke up with her. It was messy, and in the end I was the asshole. I didn't mean to be, I tried not to be, but that's what happened.
I wish now that I could tell her I was sorry. It probably wouldn't mean anything to her anymore, and unfortunately she probably remembers me for the pain and stupidity instead of for the good times. Last I heard she's getting married, and I hope that everything in her life turns out so much better than I was able to make it.

The Ladies: pt.3 Isis

We met and became friends in college. The first I realized that there might be something there was one night while drinking heavily she offered to take me upstairs and do naughty stuff (her words). I honestly thought she was joking. A few months later she was supposed to be moving to the tiny state with her Boyfriend, and while we were hanging out one night she asked me for a good bye kiss. It ended up being 2 kisses, and I guess things just started rolling then and there. In short order she had broken up with said boyfriend, and we were a hit. I ended up living with her for 2 years. We both loved to laugh, we both were slightly insane, and we were both horny as hell.
She had a daughter from a previous marriage, who is still my little Ant, and for a while these became the happiest days of my life. Days spent laughing, goofing around, helping to raise a beautiful and smart young girl, having a place of our own.
Of course we were also having as much sex as 2 people could pack into a day. I don't think there are many things we didn't try at one time or another. Every time we were alone it was playtime. I was a virgin when we started dating, and an expert by the time we stoped. I still don't know how she packed that trunk of hers into those tight pants she used to wear.
Looking back I'm still not fully sure what happened. Part of it was her family, I didn't get along too well with her Mom which was a big sore spot. Part of it, maybe most of it, was because of my Nana's death. Isis was wrapped up in a giant family feud at the time, and I was hurting bad and felt she wasn't there for me after all the times I had been there for her. Whatever the reason, while the relationship ended the friendship managed to hold through.
As the years have passed we both have found ourselves turning to each other when we need to talk. Perhaps part of it was just that we had shared so much that we didn't need to keep secrets or play pretend. And in those rare times when we were both single, well some private memories got relived too. But that was a rare bonus, mostly it was just nice to have someone who I could talk about things that were happening in my life and know that I would get an honest and blunt opinion.
All this seemingly ended about 2 years ago when Isis got remarried. Since then I haven't heard from her at all, perhaps her new hubby didn't like the idea of her being good friends with an old flame. I'm hoping that this can be changed, and have even invited them to my wedding, along with my Ant who I still occasionally hear from through e-mail. I hope to see them all at the wedding, after 15 years of friendship I'd hate to lose her in my life.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Ladies: pt.2 Eggy

I was going to just stick to those females who I've actually dated, but I think I may make an exception here.
I met Eggy my Junior year of High School. She was a beautiful young lady who was very outgoing, loved to laugh, and caught my eye and held it. I spent a few weeks thinking of maybe talking to her, then when I finally did I thought she'd end up hitting me. We both had study period at the same time even though she was 2 grades lower than I was. She was always getting in trouble for talking, whereas I normally just sat back and read through most of the period. One day I was walking past her just as the librarian was scolding her for talking, and without thinking (a habit that has followed me my whole life) I looked at her and said 'has anyone ever told you you talk alot?'. For one moment she sat with her mouth open, and I was sure she was going to get up and smack me, my first chance to talk to this girl and I insult her right? Instead she and her friends broke up laughing.
We stayed friends throughout High School, and for many years after. She was the first girl I was interested in after Meesha's death. But we never did date. At first I held back because of the pain from what had happened with Meesha. By the time I decided that maybe I should try dating again, (was planing to ask her to my Junior Prom) turns out Eggy had gotten a boyfriend ( I didn't end up going to Prom). This pattern stayed for several years. When I was single, she was dating, when I was dating she was single. By the time something maybe could have happened I was no longer interested in dating her anymore, instead I had fallen in love with her younger sister... my Demon. Part of it was that Eggy got into the habit of dating guys who liked to hit her, and I've never been good at dealing with someone who will not only let it happen but keep going back to them after they've done it. Once can be an accident. But it seemed that every one she dated did it. Even the man she had a child with was heavy handed. She would eventually break up with them, only to find someone else who was the same. So I left behind those feelings for her.
We still got along, even up to the last time the Demon left my life, Eggy and I still hugged when we saw each other. She still looked beautiful to me, and part of me always wondered what may have happened if I had asked her out before she started dating someone. Perhaps I could have moved her away from a life of abuse, perhaps she would have kept me from chasing the Demon for so many years. But would have, could have, should haves aside, I will always smile when I think of our adventures in school. I will always hope someday she'll find someone who helps make her smile the way my Babushka does for me.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

The Ladies: pt.1 Meesha


She's like a faint memory, a ghost of my soul that still haunts me and the person I am.

We met when I was 14. She was a year older than me. A young mulatto girl who lived in New Haven. What she ever saw in a awkward fat kid from Northford I'll never know. We were friends for maybe 2 months before she decided to kiss me one night at a party. I think it had to rate as one of the worst kisses of all time, I just sat there with my mouth hung open because I couldn't comprehend why she was doing this. However the second kiss more than made up for it.

We were together for maybe 6 months. We spent our weekend time laughingand goffing around. We had friends we hung out with in New Haven, but the best was our precious alone time, so very little of it. Long talks. Learning about the differance between boys and girls. We never crossed the line, but we sure pushed up against it when we could. There is far more to sex than just intercourse, and every lady since owes her thanks for teaching me everything about foreplay. To both my eyes and everyone who knew us we were so happy.

But Meesha had a secret. She was a Manic-Depressive. And at some point she stopped taking her medicine that helped stabilize her. Apparently she would be happy and energetic whenever I was around, then sad and despondent when I was away. And since I was only ever around on the weekends (Had to get a ride with a friend of mines older brother) that left her far too much time for the see-saw of her emotions to work on her.

After just over 6 months together she committed suicide.

I never told my family about her. They thought I was hanging out with the kids up the street from us. They also didn't understand the depressions I went through for next several years of my life.

Was it my fault? No. Was I old enough to understand that? No.

Maybe if I was around more... maybe if I told her I loved her just one more time... maybe if I had called her more than just once a day...

I still don't know why I didn't end up killing myself. I wanted to. But there has always been a stubborn part of my soul that just wouldn't let me. As I aged I gained friends who didn't know what had happened, but they cared about me and helped me see through the depressions that haunted most of my teenage years.

I decided that I must be the worst boyfriend the world have ever known. I wouldn't date again till I was in college, and have always felt somehow insecure in my relationships.

I have no pictures of Meesha. She is a memory that gets a little fuzzier in my mind every year. I don't think I could draw a picture of her face anymore. Yet in some ways she will always be with me. Her death has been a factor in ever relationship I've had since, both Romantically or Platonic.

Through her I learned to never miss a chance to let someone know you love them. To try my best to be there when someone I love needs me, even if it's inconvenient. I learned to be tolerant of the problems others have. And I learned that I was pretty dang good with my tongue.

I don't know how my life would have been if she hadn't done what she did, but I do know that I'm glad I had her in my life, even for so brief a time. Because without her I wouldn't be who I am today.

And as long as thats true, then in a way she'll always live on....

The Ladies: pt.0 a Preview

Ok, so after much thought I am going to go through with my posts on my previous relationships.
I figure since I'm getting married in a month I want a run-up, mostly for my own mind, of how I got here on the broken road of love.
I had planned on starting this a while back, but got hung up on the first one, my Meesha.
But perhaps the old pain is really just a ghost now, I feel it more because I think I should than because it still hurts. Not that I want to tarnish how bad it was, but time and distance and new love do a pretty good job of healing things in a heart.
So starting with my next post we'll take a look at the women of my life who have walked me to where I am now. I will warn that I will probably touch upon adult themes, both emotionally and physically, so if you're underage or easily offended then don't read these posts.
Lets see......

  • Meesha
  • Eggy
  • Isis
  • Rie-Rie
  • Heaven
  • Jinx
  • Demon
  • Babushka/Mrs. Azathoth
  • Wednesday, May 20, 2009


    So I decided to start trying to organize all my pictures. I should have known better. I have tons and tons of them. Not only have I always been compulsive picture taker, but when both sets of my grandparents died I ended up with thier pictures, plus I have a tendency to develope pictures that my friends have on thier facebook/myspace pages. Then I have all the pictures that came with my Babushka when we moved in together, and shes a compulsive picture taker too. Turns out my little project could become a long and annoying one, but I figured I've already started so I might as well see it through, if I don't get annoyed too muach and just burn them all.

    Saturday, May 09, 2009

    A brief update in passing

    So life marches on.
    The wedding stuff is coming to a head, with only a month and 2 weeks to go. Still much to do, but most of the major things are finished. Now it's just details. Also finding that I enjoy getting the invites back much more than I thought I would. It's fun seeing who responds fastest.
    We've moved into the new place, I love it but it does get lonely sometimes since she works all day and I all night. The unpacking goes slower than I'd like, but with our scheduals it's hard to find time to chexck with each other on where we want things to go and neither of us want to just put stuff up/away without making sure it's good with the other.
    Work goes good, they finally moved me out of driving and into a post, which so rocks and I love. Much thanks to my lead officer and managment for the switch. The best part of it is at the new post I get to do patrols wich means after sitting down driving for 2 1/2 years I finally will start getting some exercise at work and maybe can start to lose some of the hideous wieght I have on me. I'm so sick of looking like a giant chunk of bread dough.
    So life moves on, and perhaps with the new work post I may find time to start stopping by here at blogland more often. I have a facebook, and a myspace, but I still miss the chance to just sit and rant that blogs allow you.
    We'll see what the future holds as we get there....