Monday, May 30, 2005

Memory Day

This being Memorial Day I'd like to take a moment to stop and remember all of those who are gone. I miss them all and hope that if there is something after this life they know that I'm can't wait to see them again. As life moves on we all eventually drop out, in the end our lives are short and all those we love will either pass away or watch us do so. But just because they're gone doesn't mean the feeling we had for them are any less. I loved them all when they were here, and I still do even though they have gone ahead. Life is a road, and someday we'll all reach the clearing at the end of the path. I'm not there yet, but I know they'll be waiting.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Ok, enough of that crap..

One key thing about me is that after years of on again/ off again depression I've learned that I have a limit to how long I can stay depressed. If the death of my first girlfriend, my moms cancer, and the ongoing pain of the Demon can't get me to shoot myself, Then I just ain't going to. So after about a week of being in the darkness I'm back. Thats what being truly stubborn is all about. Lots of thanks to those who left best wishes here in blogland, and to those outside of blog land who noticed something amiss and brought me beer, food, and boobies. It's hard to stay sad with boobies around. I'm sorry for the lack of commenting on everyones site recently, but I'm back and will be doing my best to stay caught up. Also sorry I missed this past fridays random 10. Hope everyones doing good and I'll post again tom for Memorial day. Peace eveyone and have a BBq on me! Now then. I'm off to take a look around the blogs......

Oh, and to anyone who hasn't, check out Nickalodeans DVD of INVADER ZIM (3 differant ones)! It's funny as hell and everyone deserves to see GIR in action. 'It's me! I was the turkey all along!' He's Zim's insane robot sidekick, and he is as random as BM!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Falling behind

It's been almost a week, sorry I haven't been on. I went to my cousins wedding last saturday, and had a great time. Yet I also felt the return of a feeling I've avoided for a while. There was my little cousin, but not so little anymore. She's married, has a house and a car and a job. She has really started her way into the world. So have many of those who I grew up with, my friends and family. Yet here I still sit. Most of my friends are married or engaged, they own houses or rent appartments (Hell even the Demon is engaged and owns a house). Some have kids. My sisters have families. My little cousins are no longer little. Yet here I sit. My life has become stagnant, like a pond full of algae and dead frogs. I have no credit, no money, and no prospects of a future. They speak of the light at the end of the tunnel, yet for me there is no light, and it's not a tunnel but a pit that I slowly sink into. I have put on age and wieght and neither fit me well. Years of pushing my body have caught up to me. Parts of me just don't work anymore. Sleep is a rareity, yet I'm tired all the time. Whats worse is I have no ambition to change. Just looking at the life I lead makes me so down that I loose the energy to try. There used to be fire in me. Now all there is left is smoke. I'll start doing something to get going, but I too soon give up out of hopelessness. I never cared much about my life, I have always been more into helping others with thiers. But I have fallen so behind that I can't help much anymore, there all too far beyond me. I look in the mirror and despise who I see. I'm no good to others, I'm no good to me. Whats the point. At this point all thats keeping me upright is the almost endless stubborness inside that won't let me just lie down. But standing isn't doing me any good while I let life just drift by. Even those things that I once enjoyed are fading. I don't read much anymore, I don't draw or write. I started trying to write again, but that urge burned out, like so many others have. Does there come a point when you know you can't win the race, or even catch up to the pack, that you walk off the field?

Friday, May 20, 2005


Sorry I haven't been on, busy week. Very topsey turvey.
I have my cousin's wedding tomarrow. It's funny, I still think of her as the little girl who I used to give piggy back rides to and here she is getting married. Wierd.
Work sucked.
Found out Isis's Mom passed away today. Feel bad and wish I could do something to help her. My heart is with her and her family (especially my Ant).
Also found that my ex-co-worker Debs may have breast cancer. So Sucks bad. But she's a strong woman and she'll pull through fine.
Got to see BM+Hottie+LittleC yesterday. LittleC was sick, which sucked, but it was great seeing them. I so love them. We had indian food. I so love garlic nan bread too.
Will try and get back on soon to post and comment. I miss you all.

Monday, May 16, 2005

Jo Dee Massina "My Give A Damn's Busted"

Well you filled up my head,
With so many lies.
Twisted my heart
Til something snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try
but my give a damn's busted.

You can crawl back home
say you were wrong,
stand out in the yard
cry all night long.
Well go ahead and water my lawn.
My give a damn's busted.

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper

You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
After all you didn't pick em
Well maybe Oprah's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.

Your therapist said
It was all just a phase
A product of the prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So uhh ... who's your enabler these days
My give a damn's busted.

I really wanna care,
I wanna feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper

It's a desperate situation,
No tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you,
You say your life is through.
Well honey... give me somethin' I can use.
My give a damn's busted.

I really want to care
I want to feel something
Let me dig a little deeper
Nope sorry
still nothing
just... nothing
you've really done it this time

My give a damn's busted!

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Quick post

House/pet sitting for BM tonight while the Hottie goes to try and finish her yoga certificate up in Salem Mass. But just wanted to come on and write a Congratulations to Mooker at for Graduating from collage with a bachlors in Philosophy and Religion! You go Mooker, I'm so damn PROUD of you!
And Brendragon got engaged! That So ROCKS! 2 pieces of good news in one day! Congratulations to you and Mr. M!
Hope everyone's having a great weekend. Peace!

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Friday Random 10

Ok, here's my list for the week:

1. My Name Is Mud- Primus
2. Going To California- Led Zepplin
3. Don't Worry About A Thing- SheDaisie
4. Strawberry Fields Forever- Beatles
5. Since You've Been Gone- Wierd Al
6. Always Something There To remind Me- Naked Eyes
7. Slow Chemical- Finger Eleven
8. Me And Bobby McGee- Janis Joplin
9. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road- Elton John
10. Heaven Can Wait- Meatloaf

and as always my extra 2:
1. My Way- Sid Vicious
2. Canada Is Really Big- Arrogant Worms

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Here and Gone (But only in my sleep)

If I died, how would people know? I mean, yes obviously most of the people in my life would find out, but not all. The police would notify my family, they would tell the friends of mine who they know, who in turn would tell most of my other friends. But what of those who are outside of my immediate circle? Those who I only talk to occasionally? Would they call sometime in the future, only to find out I'd passed away quite a while back? How would that feel? 'Oh Jeff died in a car accident last year". No one else has a password to my e-mail or blog. So those people would only find out by accident, it would just seem like I dissapeared. BM, Brendragon, Gundumschlong, Sokmunky and maybe Isis would post about it, but not all my readers go to thier sites. It would seem like I just stopped posting or commenting. How do you know if something happens to someone else in blogland? My long distance e-mail correspodence would think I wasn't returning thier letters. What of those who don't call me unless I call them first? Would they wonder as the months went by? How would it feel to find out? To use an example, how would UG feel if he finnaly broke down and called after me not posting for some time? Only to hear about my passing? How about Static, who I only talk to these days by e-mail? He doesn't even have my # so he might never find out. I'd just be gone. Would the Demon try and get a hold of me a few years from now only to learn she can never come back again? How would Isis find out since she never calls me anymore (Yep Isis, I'm picking on you)? Would some of them see it in the newspaper (But who reads the news anymore)? Or would they never find out?
See this is why I hate dreaming. This is the type of stuff I dreamed about last night. In it I died and watched as one of my cuz's tried to find a way to let my friends know. He had one of my photo albums out and was trying to see if he could contact the people in it. I need to either stop sleeping (which I don't do much of anyways) or find some kind of dream suppressant drug. But it did get me thinking. Like, There's been no post by Joy for almost a month, and at one point she was practically a once a day poster, so what happened? Angry Nice Guy's site was just gone one day. Rev. Mad Duck and Purplepyramid (Aka Isis) I know so I know why they don't post anymore, others like Static and Grey Eyed Dan warned that they were stopping. But what would haoppened if someone died? How would we know? If I did, would you know?

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Keeping it real

Let me talk about one of the little things in life that bugs me, and make a wish.

Back in 1993, Universal released a movie by the name of Jurassic Park. I watched it for the first time sitting in a movie theatre and was completely blown away. Remember the Superman tagline: You'll believe a man can fly? Well watching that movie I believed in dinosaurs. I grew up loving dinosaurs. I used to know all the names. Seeing that movie made me feel young again. Sitting there they made the dino's appear so real you could almost belive that the science was possible. While the acting was so-so at best (except for the wonderfully funny job done by Jeff Goldblum and Richard Attenborough), the whole point of the movie was just watching the dinosaurs. They had them right down to the pores. From the first moment they showed them on the screen to the last shot of the T-Rex roaring I was mesmorized. It was a true marvel of computer magic and special effects bringing them to life. Making them look so real you wanted to reach out and touch them.

Now here it was several years later and the first of the new Star Wars movies came out. I loved Star Wars even more than dinosaurs growing up. I had seen all of them in a movie theatres (and the first at a drive-in). I owned all the toys from all three movies, even the hard to find and rare ones. They wern't worth much by the time I grew up because I played with them, but to me back then they meant the world. I was so excited that they were finally continuing the series. For a little while I could feel young again.
But as I sat there, listening to evil oriental aliens and watching the horror of Jar Jar and trying to ignore so many plot holes that you couldn't cover them with duct tape, it occured to me that everything on the screen looked like a 'Computer Generated Special Effect'. They didn't look real, they looked fake, like a cartoon almost. Almost as bad as the much later to come Hulk movie. I just couldn't understand how Lucas studios, one of the premier special effect studios in the world, could end up making stuff that looked so damn fake. How could Jurassic Park, so many years earlier, have made something that was so beliveable. WTF?!?!

Then the second movie came out, and it was better. But still things looked like something off of So damn animated. Yeah, in the origional they used rubber masks and muppets, yet Yoda as a muppet was still a step above what was on the screen in front of me. I'm not saying I didn't like the movie mind you, just that the creatues and droids and ships looked very fake. So obviously computer made. I've had people try telling me that it's unavoidable, that thats what computer effects look like. Yet I keep coming back to Jurassic Park. It looked real! So damn real! And It was YEARS AGO! They must have gotten more advanced by now! I'm not even going to go into the Lord of the Rings, which looked so good it put Lucas Arts to shame. How could they ruin Star Wars so bad?

Well the 3rd film is coming. I can't wait to see it. I've waited years to see the penultimate battle between Obi and Ani. The fight that lead him to become Vader in the armor. I have my fingers crossed that they won't screw this up. No jap-aliens. No Jar-Jar. No plot holes. No Backstreet Boys (If your a die-hard Star Wars nerd you'll understand the referance). No magic. No rubber masks. No muppets. And NO DAMN COMPUTERS. Just Ani and Obi. It's all I ask. My last wish for the Star Wars movies. Take my breath away one last time. I want to believe, just like I did in dinosaurs for a little while in 1993. Make it look real.

Friday, May 06, 2005

I Have Been Tagged

I have been tagged by Gama
The object of this exercise is simple. Pick five from the list and complete the phrase. Feel free to add additional occupations after you’ve done yours. Pass it on to others.

The List:
If I could be a scientist
If I could be a farmer
If I could be a musician
If I could be a doctor
If I could be a painter
If I could be a gardener
If I could be a missionary
If I could be a chef
If I could be an architect
If I could be a linguist
If I could be a psychologist
If I could be a librarian
If I could be an athlete
If I could be a lawyer
If I could be an innkeeper
If I could be a professor
If I could be a writer
If I could be a llama-ride
If I could be a bonnie pirate
If I could be a servicemember
If I could be a business owner
If I could be an actor
If I could be an agent
If I could be video game designer
If I could be a comic book artist
If I could be a hooker
If I could be a crack addict
If I could be a porn star
If I could be a mime
If I could be a domestic engineer
If I could be a chimney sweep
If I could be a masseuse
If I could be a taxi driver
If I could be a priest
If I could be the Sherrif Of Nottingham
If I could be a dancer
If I could be Santa Claus
If I could be on a reality TV show
If I could be a magician
If I could be a railroader
If I could be an Artist
If I could be a Trainer

Here are my answers:

If I could be a Writer: I'd fill in the gap of best horror writer now that Steven King has retired. I'd write stuff that would make people afraid to go to sleep.

If I could be a Psychiatrist: I'd try and figure out what the hell is wrong with people. There are just too many screwed up people in the world and there has to be a reason dammit! I'd study them and try old world stuff, like lobotomys and torture!

If I could be a Scientist: I'd invent a time machine so I could go back and fix all the dumb mistakes I've made in my life. I'd also go back and relive all the great sex I've had. That might take up a lot of time. Hehehehehe.

If I could be an Architect: I'd build my own house, with secret rooms and secret passages and hidden sliding doors and one way mirrors and a subbasement and stained glass windows and a large old world library and big fireplaces and central air (Ok some modern stuff) and trap doors and allsorts of wierd and strange stuff like that.

If I could be Santa Clause: I'd change the rules and give all the Bad kids gifts like Slingshots and .22 rifles. All the good kids would get socks and underware. And I'd give all the cute bad women a gift too, Hehehehe.

Ok, so Now I get to tag 3 people and I choose:

( Seffy )( The Creeping Unknown ) and (Bookend)

Friday's Random 10 (revenge of the 80's?)

Here we go with another list for this Friday, and for some reason my comp decided to throw in a high # of 80's songs this week. Wierd:

1. Shadows of the Night- Pat Benetar
2. For Whom the Bell Tolls- Metallica
3. American Band- Grand Funk Railroad
4. Us and Them- Pink Floyd
5. Let it Be- Beatles
6. Let's Go All the Way- Sly Fox
7. Tusk- Fleetwood Mac
8. Video killed the Radio Star- Buggles
9. Skating Away on the Thin Ice of a New Day- Jethro Tull
10. Counting the Days- Goldfinger

and my extra 2 (maybe I should just make it friday random 12?)
1.Alice's Reastaurant- Arlo Guthrie
2.Night Train- Gun's and Roses

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Terms and Definitions (slightly edited)

I had a friend who reads this blog ask me what the hell I was talking about with all the weird nicknames I use. I explained that I use them because I don't want to put people's real names on here. So for his sake, as well as just for the hell of it, I figured I'd list most of the more frequent nicknames I use for people on here and offer a brief explanation of who they are.

Babushka: Current girlfriend and all around giggly girl. We've been friends for a while now and she's not sick of me (Yet). Despite a break in the relationship for about a year over difference in opinions on progeny we are back together because we do love each other. Now we head towards our marriage, June 27th,2009. Update: Yep, she did it. She actually married me. Poor girl. We are now living quite happily as Mr. and Mrs. Chaos. thank You Very Much.

The Demon: An old friend who I fell in love with. She has some serious issues stemming from a childhood tragedy that makes her sketchy about feelings and relationships, so she has come and gone several times in my life over the last 14 years. I love her very much despite the pain she has caused. She is currently out of my life (last left Jan. 2004) and last I heard is living with her husband and little girl, so I don't really expect her to be back. But her friendship is missed, and who knows what the future may hold.

Bro: Not actually related by blood. Friend who I met the first day of nursery school when we were 4 years old. He now lives in bOregon. Even though we only talk every once in a rare while we are as close as ever. His family is like a second family for me. I keep trying to get him to move back and he keeps trying to talk me into moving out there. Update: Bro just recently got married to the Hills. They are still in bOregon, but she has said she has no problem with the idea of moving east... so I still have hope.

Lil Sis: Another friend who's more like family. We've been close for over 11 years now. She is my Angel, without her I would have ended my life. She is the one who has been there for me time and again when everything hits the fan, and I for her. She currently planning to move south, but after all the time and love, not even distance will break this friendship. Update: Lil Sis is now living in Old Folks Florida, but we still talk every few days and she's supposed to be up to vist next fall. Distance can't stop Love, even between friends.

BM+Hottie+Little C+Super S: Friends from collage who I've had the pleasure to watch go from just friends to lovers to husband & wife to parents. They are living proof that love can work in this world. He a little hunk and she's simply gorgeous and they produced two of the cutest kids I've ever seen. They help to remind me how to laugh and how much fun life can be. They mean more to me than they will ever know.

J$: A Friend of a friend who became a great friend. He earned his nickname of J Money doing DJ work for a night club. He currently lives far away in San Damn Diego, but I have hopes of him coming home someday. He helps me keep a perspective on things by being very level headed, even when he loses his.

Heaven: A friend I met because she was dating another friend of mine. When they broke up she and I kept in touch and became great friends on our own. Although we went beyond friendship for a while she stopped talking to me when she had a child. Now I miss our friendship and wish she'd come back, but I can't force her too so I just wait and hope. Update: Heaven and I are back in contact over the phone. She is doing great and it's great to have her back in my life.

UG: Satan. Pure and simple. Actually I've known him for several years now and he's got one hell of a sarcastic sense of humor. Calls himself The Eventual Dream here in blogland. Somehow managed to get married and have kids. Not a bad guy if you can get past the gruff exterior and can deal with someone who believes in being honest even if it hurts. One hell of a singer too. His body is slowly falling apart, but his heart is still beating strong.

Boston: An old friend who lives in, guess where. Boston. Calls herself Sokmunky here in blogland. Very shy around people, but found the courage to talk to me in collage and I'm damn glad she did. Although our schedules have been very conflicting for a while now, she will always have a place in my heart and in my life. A truly great hugger.

Isis&Ant: We became friends in collage, and ended up dating for about 3 years. We've stayed close even after that ended, and despite a few rough spots just last year we are still hanging in there. We are often the ones we turn to when confused and need to talk something through. Her daughter Ant somehow ended up with my sense of humor and my right jab. She is the closest I'll ever have to a daughter of my own, and I'm damn proud of her. Update: While isis/Sharebear and I haven't been in contact for quite a while now (she got remarried) Ant is still doing good down in the DC and I'm still proud of the young woman she's become.

Kells Bells (Aka K-Bells): Another old friend. She ended up with a slew of addictions for a while, but has cleaned herself up and is now married with a child and owns a house. Since tact and discretion may be foreign words to her (I joke I've seen her boobs more than any girlfriends of mine) she's a lot of fun to be around. I've heard more about her sex life than I probably need, but am glad she's comfortable enough with me to tell me stuff. While we don't get together as often anymore, she's always in my heart and thoughts.

Roe-Roe: A collage friend who I lost touch with for many years. Just 2 x-mas ago we got back in touch and now get together for dinner every few weeks. She and her Hubby adopted a little one (Little Giant), and now are the full family they always wanted to be. Update: Roe-Roe recently got divorced. But she still has her Little Giant and is dating again and is very happy.

Midget & Amazon: He's 5"4', she's 5"9'. I've known him since collage and her since they started dating. He's a little ball of energy and craziness who's life has gotten busy over the years. Although time may pass between us hanging out, we are still as close as ever. She's as stubborn as she is beautiful and sometimes I think they needed a referee instead of a priest at the wedding. But no matter what else, we always manage to find a way to laugh.

Poet,Dreamer, and MEP: A friend of mine from the old days, Poet and I drifted apart. After almost a decade we refound our friendship after the death of a mutual friends father. Having known the quiet and slightly depressed young man he once was, to see him now as a quiet but hard working and loving husband and father is a inspiration. Dreamer, his wife, is a beautiful woman with one of the most wonderful souls I have ever met. Together with MEP, the little man with a smile to tame the world, they are a family that will always have a place in my heart. Update: The happy family just got bigger by one. Crazy K has entered thier lives and looks to be taking them by storm.

Do-Nut and FractalGod: The type of couple that makes single people want to puke, these two are a bundle of adorableness and cuteness and other Disney-esque terms. Do-Nut was supposed to be my Cuz-In-Law at one point, but even when that fell through we kept in touch and she and Babushka have become best friends. FractalGod teaches kids perversion (aka Math) and they are currently living thier own version of the Happily Ever After.

Egoman: A strong willed friend from my college days. He has had a roller-coater life and yet has stayed in control of himself far better than I could myself. After a daughter and then a divorce, Egoman is dating and currently is very happy with this upswing in his life.

Columbia: An old college friend of Babushka, our southernmost friend is doing the Med school thing and kicking butt at it. As strong willed and determined as she is beautiful, it's always a pleasure when her path brings her close enough for a visit and a hug.

I think that covers most of the nicknames I toss around here. If I missed any I'm sorry. If I bored you, too bad. Until next time..... Peace.

ps. In response to a few comments I'd just like to add that the names I listed here were supposed to be people who I talk about who aren't bloggers. Yes I listed BM because I usually also talk about his wife and child, and I also did Ug because I've had people wonder why I call him a different name than his blogger name. This wasn't a list of all my friends because some of them I just don't mention a lot and some are already on blog. However I wil add 2 more here because 1. I felt really bad when I saw BS's little whimper, and 2. BM's right and it's a cool nickname for his other friend. so:

Brenenenenenenenena: This is bloglands very own She Must Be Full Of BS over at Brendragon. I met her in collage and have held on tight to her despite her continued roving across the face of the world. She is full of wanderlust and can't seem to sit still in one place for too long. Although I don't get to see her often (even more so than most) there is always a hug waiting between us when we finally do get together.

The Lord Of The Not Quite Darkness: One of Bm's friends who I've had the pleasure of meeting a few times. I joked that he wants to be evil but can't quite manage it. Kind of like a teddy bear who occasionally has bad thoughts but then feels ashamed he had them. Very laid back and content with his life you have to pull teeth to get him to get together, yet he has a great sense of humor and is a lot of fun.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005


I don't get it. Since she had her son I've seen my friend Heaven twice. Thats in 2 years now. I haven't talked to her in I don't know how long. She openly told my cuz, who she works with, that her hubby doesn't want her talking to me anymore. We were friends for almost 9 years now and for a while more than that. But since she had her son, nothing. I've delt. I stills send a x-mas card. I still care alot for her. But I realize that due to what transpired between us I'm now no longer part of her life. I miss her, I miss my friend. To hell with all the rest, I miss my friend. But I can' force her to keep in touch so I do my best to let go.
Yet every few months she send me an e-mail. Not a letter, but a survey. I just don't get it. WHY?!?!?! If you don't want me in your life, which is what she has said at work, then why am I still getting the very rare surveys from her? Every time I see her address I get hopefull that maybe she's decided to talk to me again. Then when I open it up... survey. I always send it back, along with a note that says I miss her, but then it'll be a few months again till I get... ANOTHER SURVEY?!?! If she wantedto keep in touch without pissing off her hubby she could just tell my cuz to tell me hi, but he says she never mentions me at all anymore. I've even had him tell her I said hi, she just looks at him and goes back to what she's doing. So WTF is up with the surveys?
I just don't get it.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Alice Cooper

All of my life was a laugh and a joke
And a drink and a smoke
And then I passed out on the floor
Or a friend
Again and again and again and again and again

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Highs and Lows

Wierd day today. Started off not wanting to get out of bed and go to work (not that thats anything new). Once at work though things went oddly. The first few customers were good ones, funny, curteous, nice. It was slow but ok. Then the morons came. After nearly getting into a full blown screaming match with 2 customers in a row, I had a near heart attack when a girl that looked like the Demon walked in. Actually took me a few moments to realize it wasn't her, thats how close ( I almost called her by name). Then we get a group of idiots who don't understand that we close at 6. They want to look around the store, just get some prices, at 6:05 and don't understand why we won't unlock the doors and let them in. Then on the way home I got behind a car that looked like my grandparents (Both deceased). Even the people inside, at least from behind, looked like them. For a few moments I could almost hear their voices (arguing of course, thats what they always did in the car). I so miss them. Now I'm home and tired, but kind of wanting to go out. But I have no where to go. Damn. Hope everyone had a good weekend. Peace.

ps. anyone heard from Joy? She was back, but now hasn't posted in a while.