Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Fitting in

Why does it seem like it gets harder and harder to find time to spend with the people I love? I'm working the same amount as always, yet it seems like I'm having a harder time hanging out with people. I just got in contact with my little slice of Heaven again after quite a long abscence. We used to spend a lot of time together (some doing more than just hanging out), but now it's like I don't know when I'm going to get to see her or spend time with her. I've gone from seeing my Babushka almost half the week to one day or two if I'm lucky. I get to spend time with Isis rarely and when I do I'm usually so tired we just sit around, and visiting the family of BM is down to almost a once to twice a month thing now, and at that I have to schedual it with them a week or two in advance. My Sis is calling me her long lost Brother. I can't say when last I saw Boston or even talked to her. I saw Brendragon for the first time in almost six month and don't know when I'll see her again. I used to sleep over my cuz's house and see all of them at least three times a week, now it's more like once every twqo weeks. Roe-Roe is like a guilty pleasure to go see, I have to almost lie to people so I can go on a monday night. If it weren't for the fact that I help her with cleaning on Sat nights I'd never see my Stavenite.I can't say when I last spent time with my family. Haven't even found time to call my Bro in Boregon or J-money in San Damn Diego. I go to work and afterwards I feel so tired most nights I just go home to bed. Then on my days off I'm running around without seeming to accomplish anything. It's probably good the Demon is out of my life cause I'd never get to spend time with her if she was around. How did things get so out of hand? Why does time keep moving faster and I keep moving slower? I'm losing my ability to manage my time wisely. I just can't juggle like I used to. But I want to see them all. So what the hell should I do? How do I fit it all in? AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Head vs. Heart

I'm desperatly trying to talk myself out of doing something I know I shouldn't do. I want to but if I do it will end badly, of that I'm sure. But sometimes it's hard to do what you know is right when your heart wants to do the other thing. It's like my heart wants to get hurt again. My head tells me the logical choice, what I believe is the right choice, yet still my heart tugs at me. Why can't they both agree? Why must everything be such an internal conflict? Life wasn't supposed to be like this. Something somewhere went horribly wrong. So which do I do, what I want or what is right?

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Angels and otherwise

For years now there have been people in my life who I've called my Angels. I don't even necessarily believe in a diety but I've always believed in Angels. They are the people who have come into my life when I've truly needed someone there to be with. Someone who believed in me and helped me keep my head together. There have been many of them. Some have stayed and some leave. One even went from an Angel to a Demon. When she comes back she will be an Angel again. Without these people I would never have made it through this life I have lead. They have given me hope and courage that I myself have never possessed. They have shown me what love is. While they often argue that they are just people, I know the truth. Someday I will see thier wings and prove it. Until then all I can do is thank them for thier help through all the trouble times they have helped carry me through. To all of you who won't admit what you are, Thanks.


Am now selling jewelry for a living. Kind of wierd. Worst part is looking at all the stuff I want to buy for people. There's some for Babushka and some for Isis and some for Sis and even some for the Demon if she ever returns. Let's see how much of each paycheck I actually get to bring home. This could be even worse than working with food.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Relevant song

So here's to the past
they can kiss my glass
I hope she's happy with him

Here's to the girl
who wrecked my world
The angel who did me in.

Joe Nichols "Brokenheartsville'

Feel another drinking night coming on.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Another sacrifice on the alter of Blog

Yes we have another blogger to visit. She is at brendragon.blogspot.com and wishes everyone love, peace, and underpants. Check her out and make her feel welcome.

Friday, September 17, 2004

Friends rule!

I just wanted to say that I have the best friends in the known world. They seriously prod buttocks. Someday somehow I will find a way to let them all know just how damn special and wonderful they are. Several of the have self-esteem problems and I wish I could show the how truly great they really are. Even if it's just in my eyes, well I'm 6'4' and 290lbs. and my opinion carries some major wieght behind it! All of you are fantastic. Thanks and I love you all! No matter what you make this boy happy to know you. Without you all my life would truly be a sad and alone place.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Alone when sad

Seems like latly I've been getting very depressed whenever I'm alone. I keep thinking about depressing stuff and get all in a funk. This whole changing job thing is getting to me. As is other less defined stuff. Been thinking about the Demon alot. Been missing friends who are far away, as well as one's who are gone. Been thinking about Meesha and Tina alot too. Spending way too much time dwelling on mistakes in my past. I'm fine when I'm with people, but once I get alone I fell myself slipping. Drank the other day just to get drunk, something I haven't done in quite a while. Told myself I wouldn't do that anymore. Things that used to make me happy just seem pale and washed out now. I don't pay much attention to my comics, photos, or books anymore. Even having a hard time forcing myself to e-mail people now. Have a few e-mail corosondents who have been trying to get me to write and I know they're worried about me. Maybe just a transitional phase. Maybe once I get going in new job I'll perk back up. Or maybe I've just finally gotten sick of myself like so many other people in my life have already done.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Leaving pt2.

Well it's all over. After 2 1/2 year in this store I've handed in my keys and walked out the last time. Next week I start selling shiny things. It was kind of sad to say goodbye to everyone (even though I'll still see them it won't be quite the same) and to take one last look around. The future is here and I'm nervous but walking steady. Cross your finger for me.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Beginings pt 1

First day at jewelry store. I've got a lot to learn. But the manager says she wants to leave in a few months and has told corporate that she's hired me to replace her when she goes. Which means I have even more to learn.

Monday, September 06, 2004


I'm thinking about stopping collecting my comics. I've been collecting since 1985. I have a hell of a collection but recently it seems I'm doing it because I've been doing it for so long, not because I enjoy it. Maybe it's time to put them away and stop spending money on something that doesn't bring me the joy it used to. I love to read, comics, novels, magazines, it never mattered to me. But now I feel like I'm just going through the motions. Sometimes I pick things up and don't even read them for a while. I have a stack of books sitting at home that I haven't put in bags yet. That never used to happen to me. We all grow up and our taste change as we go. I've been through a lot this past year, maybe something in me has just died off finally. I'll think on it and give it a little longer to see if anything changes back, but if not then I'll stop. I'm just not sure what to do with the ones I do have if I stop.

Quick over view

Ok let's see:
31 years old
Renting a room at home
Changing jobs
Demon not talking to me
Great friends
Great family
Finacially unstable
Smiling more than I cry
All and all I think I'm ahead of the game. Still not where I want to be but hopefully heading in the right direction. All engins full steam ahead!

Leaving pt1

Well, yesterday was the last day I'll be working with one of my co-workers. He's going on vacation and by the time he gets back I'll be gone. We both realized it as he was leaving last night. we shook hands and said it was fun working together and he said "you're not going to get all weepy on me are you?" which I told him I wasn't because ever day on my break I'd come down and mess up the store. He threatened to bring all his friends to my work and make me show him everything in my new store. It was kind of wierd to think that was our last night of picking on each other. He's a great guy and I will miss working with him. But life moves and we move with it or else we become stagnant like the Rolling Stones have. Of everyone he was probably the easiest to say bye to. But it was still wierd. Only 9 days to go. I go into my other job Friday for the first time to do paperwork and see what the jobs like. I hope I like this one. Personally I hate changing jobs. But that's life.

Friday, September 03, 2004


I haven't had an ulcer attack in some time now. Starting to wonder if maybe, just maybe, it might have finally healed. I've been under quite some stress recently and would have expected a few nights of puking blood and pain, but it hasen't happened. Who knows? After 16 years I didn't believe it would ever go away. There have been times I really believed it would be the death of me. So if it's gone then how will I die?


What do you do when you realize that you've caused pain to someone you care about? That while you thought you were making them laugh and smile you were really just hurting them? What do you do when sorry just doesn't cut it? When there's nothing you can do to make it better or make it up to them? I have failed someone I cared so deeply for, and apparently have been doing so for quite some time without knowing it. After Meesha died I went on a big kick about not being good enough. Time and again I prove myself right. Good intentions are not enough. All I have left is the word: Sorry, and the pain in me from knowing I failed. Yet again.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Check it out.

Check out worldofstatic.blogspot.com He's challenging folks to come up with thier favorite Simpson quotes. Go and let him have it! But read the comments first so we don't double up on them. I want to see as many differant ones as we can get!

Moving on

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived that I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on

Rascal Flatts "I'm Moving On"

I gave my 2 week notice at work today. I'm scared but the future awaits. Cross you finger for me.