Saturday, June 27, 2009


If everyone will please excuse me... I have my wedding to attend....

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Forever. Always.
What exactly do those words mean. Seems like they get used alot and yet the definition of them gets lost.
In my wedding Vows I use the word 'forever'. Yet as I think back on my life and the times when I heard it before, or 'always' for that matter, seems like they last a lot less time than you'd think. I remember friends who told me they'd 'always' be there for me, or relationships where they'd love me 'forever'. Yet here I am and they are gone, and I'd swear it hasn't been 'forever' yet. Maybe it's my own fault. I still love them all, even if it's been years or if it ended badly. Maybe I just have a different definition of the words 'forever' and 'always' than most people do. They seem to get used because it's easier than saying 'until the situation changes' or 'until I get what I want' or 'until my emotions and opinions change'. I really do wish I could have all my old friends and loves still a part of my life. Oh, I wouldn't be dating any of them, but that doesn't mean I don't wish I could still see them, or hug them. Even when the relationships ended I still love them, maybe not in the same way, but I'm one who feel that loves and friendships only die if we let them.
Yet so many who have left me have used the words before. The Demon told me she'd 'always' want me in her life. Heaven said she'd love me 'forever'. ect.
So what does that make the words mean then? If they can be disregarded so easily? When I hear them from my little Babushka, my wife to be, what proof do I have that this time they might be real? How do you believe in words that have lied to you before? How do I explain that I shudder inside sometimes when I hear her say things that I've heard others say a million times before they left me alone? How do I explain I'm not afraid of getting married, I'm afraid that one day I'll wake up to another empty bed, another empty promise, another empty 'forever'?

Maybe.. maybe it's not the words that I need to believe, maybe its' the person who says them?

I have much to think about.....

Monday, June 08, 2009


So despite my misgivings, the stag went well. There was poker, and ping-pong, and a comedian. Not too bad for a non-stripper stag. I got to see a lot of friends, some of who I haven't seen in quite a while, which was nice. I didn't drink too much, and even got to invite a few folks to the wedding who I had wanted to be there but didn't know how to contact. I'm proud of my Cuz's for pulling it off, who knew they could actually be responsible? Of course, their Moms will never believe it.
Now there is 3 weeks left. We're meeting with the DJ tom night, which is good because I was starting to get worried. We also need to finish putting the favors together, something that can be done in advance so I don't have to worry about it went he time comes.
All in all.. things go well.

Friday, June 05, 2009

Friday Random 10

1. What Sarah Said - Death Cab for Cutie
2. Madolin Rain - Bruce Hornsby and the Range
3. Many the Miles - Sarah Bareillis
4. All Arund my Hat - Steeleyed Span
5. Kodachrome - Simon and Garfunkle
6. Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park
7. Don't Think I Don't Think About It - Darius Rucker
8. March of the Villains - John Williams
9. End of the World - REM
10. Baker Street - Gerry Rafferty

And as is my tradition, 2 extra
11. Desolation Row - My Chemical Romance
12. Rosemary - Grateful Dead

Thursday, June 04, 2009

The Lady: Babushka (aka Mrs. Azathoth)

Babushka. My Angel. My Wife.
We will be married on June 27th of this year.
I met her at a friends party. Her older sister was dating Midget at the time. At first things were rocky between us, she kept losing my e-mail address, so I'd see her then not hear from her till Midget would ask me for my e-mail again. Once she went to collage things picked up, with me visiting her there. It was one night while I was leaving that she jumped up and started kissing me while I was getting in my car.
Since then the only problem was a year long break up over the concept of children. She wants them. I don't. But in the end we reunited because she decided she would rather be with me without kids than have them with someone else.
We now live together (and are desperatly trying to figure out how the hell we're going to fit all our stuff into out aprt.) and are preparing for our upcoming nuptials. Were the type of couple that makes other people sick, all cutsie an cuddly. I couldn't have asked for a better woman to share my life.
Love works, no matter what the jaded people may say.

The Ladies: pt.7 The Demon

16 years of love, hate, and heartbreak.
I met my Demon through her sister Eggy. At first that's all she was, just the little sister to a girl I had a crush on. But as years passed, and Eggy had a boyfriend, I started spending more and more time hanging out with Demon.
I think I first realized I had feelings for her when she left to live in the south for a year and I found myself missing her a lot more than I should have. When she got back we spent a lot of time together. She went to collage, to hair school, and I would spend weekends with her. Finally, after driving my friends nuts about her, I worked up the courage to ask her out.
She said no and stopped talking to me then.
Almost two years went by. Then one day I went to visit Eggy (who I stayed friends with) and there was the Demon. She acted like nothing had ever happened, and so I let it all drop. We quickly got back into our friendship, hanging out almost ever day. This went on for about a year. Then she started flirting with me. I told her, straight out, that I still had feelings for her so not to joke around. She kept flirting. I kept letting it slid, I'd flirt back but did my best not to take it too serious. Then one night she kissed me. Well, that did it, and so I asked her out again.
She said no and left my life again. (She actually told me that she "dated a**holes cause that's how she was used to being treated and that I made her feel special and she didn't know how to handle it" her exact words. I didn't then, and still don't know what I was supposed to say to that.).
After 4 years she showed back up. The first night I saw her she told me she loved me and had for a long time but didn't know how to deal with it. So after all this time we started to date. I still remember the first time we made love, I was so nervous, after all the years of wanting her I just couldn't believe it was happening, that it took me a while to 'get it up' (and despite all the jokes that can be made, it was the only time in my life that had or has ever happened). Needless to say the nervousness didn't last and we went at it like rabbits while we were together.
Then one night after about 2 months she called me up after being out at a bar and broke up with me.
That was several years ago. Last I heard she got pregnant by a guy she met at a bar and married him and they now live in a town nearby me (that I fortunately never go to).
I have let her come and go in my life, and allowed her to break my heart several times. I never treated her bad, never made a fuss about how things turned out. I learned a long time ago that she had been abused when she was little, and she had a very hard time dealing with relationships. I always gave her the freedom to just be herself, and always did my best to make her feel special. I have no regrets about her, and hope that she has found the happiness that I couldn't give her. When we were together she was my Angel. When we were apart she was my Demon. Even now I wish that she knows that I will always consider her my friend and be here if she needs me. I no longer have the desire to be with her, a feeling that haunted me for many years and through many of my other relationships, but I also know that we made great friends and had a lot of fun together (she once said that I was the only person who could make her smile because she was happy and not just fake it to fit in with the people around her). I miss that. I miss her. But life moves on....

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

The Ladies: pt.6 Jinx

Ok, so maybe this one shouldn't be included. We were only together for a short time, we never had sex, and she basically used me. But I might as well list the screw ups as well as the other ones right?
We met at a comic store.
We dated for about 2 weeks.
I helped her move.
She stopped talking to me.
Simple. She saw a big stupid guy who she could get to help her move and used her big smile and even bigger chest to get me to do the heavy lifting for her, then dumped me like a sack of potatoes.
I don't get mad about it. I've been used before. I haven't even thought about her for a long time. But since I was doing relationships.... well guess this belongs in here somewhere too.

Monday, June 01, 2009

The Ladies: pt.5 Heaven

This is going to be a touchy one to do. Heaven was both a long time friend, an ex- of another long time friend, and engaged when we started to have a relationship beyond being friends.
We had been friends for several years. She had originally been dating another friend of mine, but hey broke up after he smacked her during an argument. She and I stayed close as the years passed. She found someone else, and got engaged. We had always flirted somewhat, but she was beautiful and I figured she was just joking around.
It took me by surprise when I found out she wasn't joking. We were just sitting watching tv, she leaned over and kissed me.
Were we dating? I've never been sure. She was still engaged and living with her fiance, I didn't make a lot of money at my present job and she couldn't afford her rent without him. The first time we went at it he was in the other room watching tv, thank god he kept the volume up. We spent all the time we could together. We laughed a lot, hugged a lot, and fooled around every chance we got. I still remember how after we would make love we would just lie there and hug each other and smile. She was beautiful, had a fantastic body, huge ta-tas, and I still don't know what she saw in me.
What happened? As usual, I'm not sure. She didn't break up with him. I was just off breaking up with Rie-Rie, and another of the Demon's destruction's of my heart, and maybe just didn't know what to make of the whole situation. In the end she and he got married and had a child. I met Babushka. We drifted apart. I still miss her friendship. I do not regret what happened between us, in fact it's a lovely memory, but I do wonder sometimes if it hadn't happened if we would still be as close of friends as we were before. I doubt it though, her hubby didn't like me even though he never knew what went on between us. I still e-mail her sometimes, even though I rarely get a reply, and I hope that maybe someday we will get to try and pick up a friendship that will always make me smile.