Tuesday, June 29, 2004


What do you believe in? I've never been sure about the existance of a deity, although in times of trouble I've said my share of prayers. The one thing I do believe in however is my friends. Maybe that's why I have a hard time letting go of people. It's also why I get depressed so much. The only time faith in a deity is tested is when things go really wrong. Even then people come up with such ideas as: everything happens for a reason, God works in mysterious ways, ect. But my faith is tested evertime one of my friends betrays me or walk away or tells me to f*ck off. I've always believed I made a good friend but how can that be if people can just walk away and not care anymore? If they can let go of our friendship easily then maybe it means I didn't mean anything to them, maybe I'm not such a good friend to have after all. I know I don't make a good boyfriend (Meesha died because I didn't make her happy, Jill left and wants nothing to do with me now because I didn't make her happy, Sharon doesn't even like me to call often anymore, and Jackie....no wait she still talks to me but she's insane. She also didn't stay with me cause I wasn't enough to make her happy despite what she says now). But I always put so much of myself into my relationships that it feels like it's my shortcomings when I lose someone, friend or girlfriend. But the friends I do have right now are the people who have stayed with me over the years. (GOD damn buttons! I had to re-write that last sentence three times cause of hitting the wrong buttons!) I love them all and would do anything for them. Even the ones far away are close to my heart. Without the people in my life I wouldn't see any reason to be here at all. I could never do this on my own. In fact there are times that I feel like if I haven't done something for them in a while then I'm not being a good friend. I know it's not true, they care for me even if I do nothing, but after losing so many people I care about I sometimes need to feel like I'm useful to them. That's part of the reason I give money to them or pay for things every chance I get even when I can't afford it. At least then I feel like I'm doing something to hold on to them, terrified that they might slip through my hands and my life if I don't hold on to them. Yet I do have faith in them. I believe that if anything bad happened these people would come running, be there if I ever truly needed them. Once or twice this has been put to the test and each time they have come through for me. Whether it was my little sister driving to my house late at night because I called her in tears, or my little slice of Heaven talking to me for hours when I was drunk and depressed, making me laugh by flirting with me(I miss her so and hope things are going better with her son) or my Babushka sleeping over my house when I didn't want to be alone, or my cuz's keeping my mind occupied, or even Ug getting drunk with me, or so many other cases with so many other firends ( if I list them all this blog won't end) But I try not to test it too often. Just in case. Some people I've had faith in over the years have broken me before (The Demon, although it is because of her fear, Toni, Ken, others) and it leaves me shaken and depressed and unsure of myself. Rebuilding faith is hard and takes time. Fortunatly my friends (and family) are kind enough to give me that time and thier love, and I love them all for it. They give me reason to believe. They give me reason to have faith. In them and in me.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

life in pain

Having an ulcer sucks. There are whole weeks where I feel like I'm going to puke all the time. I do my best to hide it because anytime I say anything everyone gets all wierd on me. It doesn't normally come from eating food, I love my mexican and indian food and can eat it most of the time without it bothering me. Same with hot sauce (although orange juice and dijon mustard kill my stomach for some reason.). It's mostly when I'm stressed or worrying too much that the pain kicks in. But once it does I just swallow it and try and ignore it. I've had several times in my life when I've ended up throwing up blood and have even landed in the hospital once or twice over it. Sometimes I've even tried to force an ulcer attack, especially if I'm really depressed because at least the ulcer is a pain I know I can deal with. I've always joked that someday it will kill me and I'll go down with a jalepeno pepper in one hand and a bottle of hot sauce in the other. I'm not sure if it is how I'll go out but I figure it's at least an option. But I do try and use myself as an example to others not to worry about stuff, after all look what it did to me. I've been having a lot of problems recently due to the whole circus with the demon (she's apparently decided she hates me for now) as well as finding out about my friends child being unwell. Add in work related stress and worrying about other friends in trouble (My little sister has been going through a lot, my Boston friend is having job trouble, other such stuff) and I haven't been sleeping well. I've had several nights spent sitting in front of the toilet instead of on it. Sometimes I wish it would just kill me, at least it would be over with. It's called perodontitis (I think that's how it's spelled) and it means the ulcer finishes it's way through the stomach and dumps stomach acid throughout your inside, kind of like auto-canabalism. Would hurt like hell but would make good copy in the papers and I would finally get some rest. Also I would finally stop worrying. That alone might be worth it. Kind of sad that that's what it would take eh?

Friday, June 25, 2004

kids, prayers, and dirty diapers

I've never wanted children. I know several people in this world to whom having kids is the whole point of thier existance, and while I can kind of understand this point of view I've never shared it. All the responsibilities and hassles of having a child have always seemed to me to outwiegh the rewards. I love watching a family together, just the other day I visited with some friends of mine who have a little one and they always seem so happy when they're looking at him. They are perhaps the happiest and most complete couple I've ever met, and that baby couldn't ask for a more loving and fun home to grow up in. It's nice seeing them both become the fantastic parents I always knew they would be.
I also love playing with kids and watching them, but I'm just as happy when it's time to hand them back to thier parents. I respect someone who can raise a child, they're far stronger than I am.
That's not to say I may never have one. Accidents happen and I've had one or two scares in my life. But I've never activly pursued having a kid. I wouldn't shirk my duty if it happened, I just hope it doesn't. I've had three girlfriends who wanted kids. My second (my little jamacian who already had a daughter, but wanted a child with me), my sixth ( my little babushka, who'll hit me for calling her that), and the Demon (who said she'd never wanted kids before she was with me, but wanted us to have a family together. Two months later she left me and hasn't talked to me since.)
Just a little while ago I got an e-mail from a friend of mine I hadn't heard from in quite some time. I thought she was done with me to be honest, we have an interesting past together, so when I saw the e-mail I was excited. But the e-mail was about her under 1 year old son who is experiancing medical problmos that might be serious. It fills me with such pain to think of this poor child who's so new toth is world to be going through something this bad. My heart goes out to my friend and her family. I can't imagine what it must feel like and I don't ever want to. I wish there was something I could do. I feel so bad since here I was thinking she wasn't conacting me because she didn't want to talk to me, meanwhie she's going through this nightmare of having something wrong with her child. I love my little slice of Heaven and can only hope that somehow things will work out for her and her little boy. So if you can spare a prayer for her please do.
As for me, no kids so far and it'll probably stay that way. It's up to my cousin Ryan to continue our blood line. I'll leave the dirty diapers to someone else. I still think it's more fun to make love than to procreate.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Bad Horror

I've been a fan of horror movies and books for a long time. What I've found is that it's very difficult to find a good horror story. In order to do so you have to wade through a sea of bad ones first. For every Jaws there are a dozen Anacondas, for every Stephen King there are hundreds of John Saul's (who's only interesting if you like horror stories based around little kids). Eventually you start to learn to appreciate a good bad horror story, or a good bad B-movie horror film. It's fun to laugh along with the likes of Jason X ('How about pre-marital sex? We love pre-marital sex!'). Some of the old big bug movies are great (Them, Night of the Leapists, Kingdom of the Spiders), sequals are sometimes good (Friday the 13th pts. 3+up, Nightmare on Elm Street pts 2+up, Halloween pts. 2, 4+up,), semi-bad ones that are still fun (Ghost Ship, 13 Ghosts, House on Haunted Hill, Event Horizon) semi-silly ones (Blood Farmers, Satan's Cheerleaders, Frankenhooker) and of course horror parodies (8-Legged Freaks for example). Once you get to the point of enjoying bad horror movies however, you learn that there are still some that are just crap (the aforementioned Anaconda for example). But you end up seeing them in the hopes that they'll be at least funny or maybe sometimes even good. Or at the least have some good nude scenes (never understood ones where they have a girl topless when she has no boobs, if your going to pay someone to do a nude scene shouldn't they at least have what your paying for? If I'm paying to see boobs they better be huge!). You can even enjoy the made for TV or direct to video ones sometimes. There may be more bad horror movies and books than any other genre (except sci-fi). So if you're going to watch them, get ready to laugh more than you scream. But enjoy the laughter, it'll help you apreciate the scream even more.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004


I hate the cap lock button. I'll be typing a letter and look up and realize that at some point I hit the damn thing and half my letter is in capitols. I hate that. I also hate the way they arrange the damn letters on these keypads. Growing up they said it was set up this way so the letters you use most are closest, but that's a damn lie! If that were true you would have a finger on the letter E, the most used letter in the english language! The real reason it was designed this way was marketing. They would show off how fast and useful it was by typing quickly the longest word you can make with the top row, TYPEWRITER! And also what the hell is the point of having 2 ctrl and alt buttons? I realize shift is there twice for right or left handed people, but what the hell's up with ctrl and alt? Someday someone needs to design a typewriter that makes sense. AND PUT THE DAMN CAP LOCK BUTTON OUT OF THE WAY!

dreams die

Well, I found out this morning that my Demon has started dating someone else. It's been 6 months since I last heard from her but I had been holding on to the hope that she would come back. I guess that isn't going to happen now. She has made me so happy at times, yet the pain outweighs the smiles. I don't know if she'll ever come back again but for now I need to deal with this depression and misery that fills my heart and try and find a way to keep going. I don't fully blame her, I know her skeletons and knew what I was getting myself into when I took her back. At least I can say that we've dated and I've had the chance to make love to her, sleep next to her, and call her my own. I know how it feels to hear her say she loves me and to kiss her. Now I have to find the stregth to go back to being without her. Dreams die, hopes fade, life sucks...but still we go on. I'm too stubbron not to. I have my friends and loved ones, although less then I used to. I've put away all her pictures, letters, gifts, and the jewelry I'd bought her but never got to give. I may pull them out someday but for now it hurts too much. I'll cry, I'll drink, I'll be depressed and miserable, But time will pass. Someday she may return, and if she does I'll probably take her back yet again. But for now I need to find a way to smile without her. To live my life without her. I'm just not sure I know how to be that strong...

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Recomended reading

Just finished a fun book by one of my favorite writers: Terry Pratchett. The book, A Hat Full Of Sky, is his latest in a series about his fantasy world called Discworld (Which is shaped like a (duh!) disk and carried through space on the back of four turtles who are standing on the back of the great space turtle A' Tuin). He writes fantasy/humor books and definatly has my type of sense of humor. This lastest book was one of his Discworld ones that was written for younger readers, but most of the series is for adults who want to laugh, and if you read the rest of the series and enjoy it then I see no reason not to read the young adult ones as well since they are all set in the same place and you'll see some of the regual cast in them. My personal favorite group is the Watch (lead by Sam Vimes), but also enjoy the others that he writes about (the witches, Death and his extended family, the wizards, Nac Mac Feegle (scottish pixies who love to fight and drink), and even his stand alone stories.)He is definatly worth checking out.
Just before that I finished Stephen Kings lastest, part six of the Dark Tower series: Song of Susannah. He's finished the series (one more book to go) but is waiting to release the last one. He has said he's retiring which means I'll have one less writer to follow now. I hate that. But he's given me many good memories in his books so I can't complain. Who knows, he may miss writing and start back up again at some point. I've enjoyed his Dark Tower seriers, which is kind of his attempt to tie up a lot of lose ends and connect his stories together.
Of course I still keep my eyes open for any books based on the works of H.P. Lovecraft. Chaosium.com is a great place to keep an eye on if your a fan of the Providence gentleman. They publish new books as well as offer old ones. But it seems like not a lot of stuff is coming out right now.
So if you like to read, try any of these writers if you haven't already. A book is a great way to spend time. Of course I'm told I may have to get glasses at some point because, in my doctor's words, I read too much. But hey, going blind is a small price to pay.


I remember when I used to get sleep. I could sleep for hours. I went through some serious bouts of insomnia during both high school and collage. But for years after I slept great. Now I'm back to not sleeping. And I've started to dream. I never used to remember my dreams. Oh, maybe the occasional ones, but they were few and far between. But now it seems like everytime I close my eyes my mind starts up with the dream crap. Most of them are not nice. I keep dying in my dreams. Either that or they're about people I don't see anymore. I've had my fair share about the Demon and a few other past relationships. But even when these are nice (or naughty) dreams, when I wake up alone they suck! Now I'm not sure if I can't sleep or if I'm afraid to in case I dream. I don't like sleeping pills or else I'd just medicate myself. But what's the alternative? Spending whole days being tired and then still not sleeping? The last time I had a good night sleep was the last time I made love to the demon. Six months ago. I gotta get some sleep soon. Doesn't lack of sleep cause hallucinations? Maybe it's all been a dream? If so it's just another nightmare. Like most of my life....

Friday, June 18, 2004


well, life continues moving and sometimes it gets hard to hold onto those in your life. I used to be one of the most anal people when it came to holding on to my friends. I still do my best but it seems time defeats me now. Everytime I turn around it feels like there's someone I've forgotten to call or write or see. It doesn't help that half of my friends don't call me unless I call them (of course I'm not talking about any of you fine folks). There are people in my life that I truly love, but haven't heard from or talked to in a long time. I've lost my old ability to remember birthdays or anniversaries too. But I'll keep trying and hoping that my friends and loved ones will forgive me for time passed. I do my best to always let them know I care. But they say age is all in the mind...and the mind is the first thing to go.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004


Well, once again I'm sitting around thinking of my Demon. It's been 6 months since she walked out of my life this time and I'm waiting to see how long it will be till she comes back. The first time she left it took a year. The second time it was 4 years. She keeps coming back though. I'm in love with a psycho. Everytime she returns she tells me how much she loves me and she's so sorry for hurting me. I take her back everytime too. I love her. Why, I'm not sure. I've dated other girls, but everytime she comes back I run to her like a moth to a flame. Which is a great analagy since just like a moth i get burned everytime. What do you do when you love a psycho? When we're together I'm the happiest I've ever been. Then she leaves again and I sit around depressed and miserable and blaming myself. I know she's a headcase and I know why she's a headcase (childhood evil) I just don't know why I keep letting her come back. Why I can't stop loving her. I've been going through this for 10 years now. How much more do I deal with before I lean to let go? Just how stupid can one person be?

Sunday, June 13, 2004

In the Begining

Greetings, salutations and other fancy words I don't quite understand. I started this blog just so I could send posts to other blogs. I'm a long time fan of the works of Howard Phillip Lovecraft and so based the naming of this blog on one of his creations: Azathoth the blind idiot god of chaos. I'm not sure I'm going to keep up with this site or if I'll let it fall to the wayside. Perhaps I'll use it as a way to get out some of the ideas, thoughts and general oddness inside my head. I guess I'll have to wait and see.