Saturday, July 31, 2004


Women Rule! Seriously, have you ever taken a good look at the female form (most of us have I asume). It's just beautiful to behold. They're soft and have curves and are smooth. I love the female body. I don't understand what they see in a man's body. I'm not making fun of homosexuals (Some of my friends are inot the same sex thing). But I don't understand how you can look at a woman and not wnat to run your hands along thier body. Oh, don't get me wrong there are some very ugly women. But there are more sexy women then there will ever be men. Actually I find men's body kind of repulsive, I don't know how a woman sees them as attractive. Of course I have my favorite part of the female body, we all do to some degree. But I find women attractive even if they don't have the certain parts I look at. I've also always said there's a differance between what I'll look at and what I date. Just because a woman's hot doesn't mean I'd date her or even sleep with her. I'm kind of wierd when it comes to who I'll sleep with. But when I do sleep with a woman I like the lights on because I love to look at thier bodies. Even with the ones who start out uncomfortable with being seen I look at them with such awe in my eyes they eventually become comfortable with it. There was one who used to say she always turned the lights off when she had sex, until me. Touching, kissing all over, just looking. I love looking at beautiful women. Even if what I see as beautiful might not match what others would. Yes...I am a girl watcher, and proud of it!

wierd thoughts

Have you ever seen a dog dreaming? I was watching one sleep the other day and the way it snorted occasiuonally made me think it was dreaming. If dogs do what about other animals? What would a chicken dream about? A Monkey? Cow? Do you think animals can think about thier lives or thier futures? How depressing that would be. A lobster knowing it was going to be cooked and eaten. A squirrel looking at roadkill. What if they could learn to speak our language? What would they tell us? How badly do most species hate humans. I bet they'd learn swearword quick. Would we listen if they could talk?

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Elsewhere in the world

Here's a few other blog's worth looking at if you have the time:      they are good and fun reading and looks into the mind of some very original people. I've enjoyed them emensly. I'm not sure if any or all of them will be ongoing things or not, but they are worth a look just for whats already on them. Peace.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004


I just had one of the best dinning experiances of my life. It was a little place called Creative Cooking in Westbrook. It was very expensive (65.00 for 2 people) but oh my god was it worth it. From the waiters (I had 2, one just for drinks and one for food) to the appetizer (cajun sausage) to the meal (pepper crusted steak) it was just awesome. Salad and Crusty bread that was to die for. It's been a long time since I was this impressed with a new restauraunt. Not somewhere I can go often due to my budget, But well worth evey penny when I have it to spend.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004


I've been a little down recently, and I started thinking about it today and for the most part I have no reason to be. Yes work sucks. But it has for a while and there's no reason for me to stay down for it. Yes I miss the Demon. But it's been over 6 months now and if she does come back it won't be any time soon. I've lived without her before and can do it again for now.
  On the other hand my Jamacan is back and I missed her a lot. Even if our relationship has changed a bit she still makes me smile. I'm getting to go to Canada and these days that is a rareity. My little slice of Heaven's child is Ok so thats one less worry. I've been spending time with my Babushka and at the K&B toystore (now with extra C!). My lil' Sis is expecting money soon that'll get her back on her feet. For the most part people around me are happy (Except Jamaca but I'm working on that, I'll find a way to get her smiling even if I have to be sneaky about it).  Money isn't too tight. All in all things are going okaly dokaly. Maybe it's just been the grey days recently. Whatever it is I'm doing my best to rise above this funk. I've had enough of being depressed. Time for me to smile a bit.  Now if I can just figure out how....

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Failing at life

Not being good enough. It's been the story of my life. I try damn hard. I really do. But time and time again I seem to come up short. I fail so often that I'm amazed whenever things go right for me. But even when things are good it's only a matter of time before I end up screwing up again. I'm just not good enough. I failed Meesha. I should have realized then that I wasn't ever going to be good enough. She haunts me in almost everything I do now. I failed school. My gudence counsler had to talk my teachers into letting me pass. I failed Jamaca. She can say what she likes, the fact is near the end she got to the point where she didn't want to get out of bed and face the day. I failed collage. I can give a thousand excuses but in the end they kicked me out due to low grade point average. I failed Marie. If I was worth it she would have been willing to stay here. I failed most of my jobs. I failed Babushka. I wasn't willing to give her the thing she wanted most in life, children. I failed miserably with the demon. Yes she's a psycho, but if I made her happy she'd still be here. But I wasn't good enough to keep her. I wasn't good enough to keep any of them. I can't get a job that will support me. Even now I face losing my job, even if it isn't entirely my fault it's still hapening. I just am never good enough. I fail again and again. Makes me wonder why I bother keep trying. Maybe my stubborness works against me sometimes. I keep hoping. I go eevn when I know it's pointless. Even though I know I'm pointless. It's like a big joke. And I'm the punchline. But still not good enough to make anyone laugh. Just not good enough.

Friday, July 23, 2004


Looking back and seeing smiles past can be a fun waste of an evening. Remembering silly things and laughter from times gone by. Looking at old pictures and thinking about what was going on when the picture was taken. I love thinking about all the fun I've had with my friends. All too often my mind tries to dwell on the bad things. I fight it when I can. That's part of the reason I take so many damn pictures.  When things get hectic I make some time and gaze at my past. I wish I had pictures from my days in New Haven.  I have nothing to remember them by and sometimes I despair because I can't remember what most of my friends from this time looked like anymore. We had so many good times but they're all in my mind now and my mind keeps losing them. That's what happens with my mind.  I have some pictures from high school. But only a few. Again most of the good memories are mental and slowly slipping away. Most of my pictures come from Collage. Thankfully I'd learned by then to not trust my mind with storage and used the Nikon company to help. Now I can look at pictures and photo albums to help me remember the smiles. But when I see them I do remember and they make me smile all over again. Sometimes I wish I could go back and do some of these things all over again. Like take a time machine back and get to do stuff all over again. Relive all the good times. From the laughs, to the quiet moments, to the love making, to the trips, to the talks, all of it all over. And skip the bad parts. I wish I could just step into some of my pictures, go right back to the moment I took them. From collage to high school to x-mas to sexy photos (yes I have a few from some ladies who let me take them. From lingerie to just deep cleavage shots. These are kept separate.) to just about any photos I have. If I was taking a picture it was probably a good time. So I spend the night smiling about freinds and things long past, and it helps me look forward to all the good times I have ahead of me. If I should ever get a time machine I would go, but just to visit. I would have to come back just because There are so many smiles I have yet to see or have that I just have to see them all before I die. And if there's anything after this life then I'll keep seeing them afterwards when I start to haunt people. Which will make me smile.  

Tuesday, July 20, 2004


I have had my share of nicknames in my life. Wookie, Paladin, Buttons, Holmes, Pooh bear, Big Man, Teddy bear, Blue Eyes, Knight, Fuzzy Jeff, and several other less savory ones. Some of my freinds have nicknames and some don't. I've never been sure why that is. At one time or another I've called my friends: Sharebear, Sis, Heaven, Bro, Babushka, Mr. Brian, Lord of the not quite Darkness, Pooky,  Bm the necassary movement, J$, Snoogy Woogy Wips, Spasm, Demon, Hottie-Patotie, Jackalicious, Katiebear, Isis, Ant, Smiley, Munch-a-moo, Souless Child, Whips, Chains, Genetic Freak, Ja, Goombah, Roe-Roe, Lord of Sarcasm, Midget, Tiger, Psycho Baby, Vixen, Wonder Ho, and Ug.
    I've always assumed everyone realizes that these names are meant as a sign of affection.  I have several that I use as a kind of generic name, like Sweetie or Darlin. There are also several people I call Angel (I believe in Angels since I've met a few even if they don't realize that's what they are.). Some of the names are ones I've come up with while others are ones they already had and I've just picked up. I don't mean that if I don't have a nickname for someone I care about them any less. Just that some people kind of lend themselves to nicknames. Considering how many I've had I guess I'm one of them. So what's your favorite nickname?

Update on kid!

My friends child is OK. The bloodwork came back clear. They'll keep an eye on him but so far so good. I got to talk to her recently and it was nice to hear from her. I miss her a lot, more than she knows. She's very important to me and I wish I knew how to tell her that. Thanks to everyone who spared a prayer.

Saturday, July 17, 2004


Any one who knows me well knows that I'm not the biggest fan of change. I'd be happy if life could have frozen at somepoint and just stayed the same. I hate when people leave or when I have to start new things. Yet life keeps changing around me and I can't stop it. I do my best to adapt and deal with things as they come, but sometimes I feel like just running away and hiding somewhere. Friends come and go, jobs come and go, life moves on no matter what happens to us. The sun rises tomarrow even when it feels like the end of the world to us. I have had my share of sorrow and pain, as well as happiness and pleasure, but it all becomes memories. Today becomes yesterday as tommorow stays just out of our reach. All of what I know today may be gone or differant soon. I hate that. Soon I need to start looking for a new job. I hate that. But I guess I'll do what I have to. That's life, and life hates me. Don't get me wrong, sometimes things change for the better. My Jamacian coming home, the small unexpected amount of time I had with the Demon, not being fired, these were all good things. But all too often life goes in the sh*tter. I hate funerals and have had to go to far to many. I hate goodbyes and have too many of them too. Life keeps moving. But I'm also a stubborn pain in the a** and am doing my best to stand still.

Thursday, July 15, 2004


Well I'm getting fired from work. I had a fight woth my boss and she's firing me. But since I'm managment she has to get it approved from corprate so it's not happening just yet. So I get to go to work knowing I'm on my way out. So much fun. The worst part is having to look for a job. I hate job hunting. I've been here for over 2 years. I'm going to miss my fellow workers. Karen, Debbie, and Darek. They are good peoples and I wish them all well. But time for something new. Anybody have any ideas? I sure don't have any. .................................................well as a follow up, the company told my boss that none of the items she had listed were grounds for termination, so I'm not done just yet. She can't punt me till I give her a good reason. Pretty funny. I think I'll hold on till after I get back from Canada and then decide if I should find something new.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Eating Bad!

Sometimes I wonder if I eat stuff I'm not supposed as a kind of punishment of myself. I know things I should stay away from, but I eat it anyways and then sit and be in pain. I love mexican food and indian food, and to some degree my body is used to them and doesn't give me much trouble over them anymore. But I had orange juice this morning and have been hurting all day. I also have grey poupon sometimes and I know thats bad juju. Not regular mustard, just grey poupon. I stir it into baked beans, which I don't even like but eat just so I have an excuse to have grey poupon. It's like a slow way of comiting suicide. One day this damn ulcer is going to kill me, and I'm helping it. The funny thing is I don't think about suicide anymore, haven't for years now. Even when I was younger I only truly considered it a few times (And tried once or twice, thank Rob and Stace for stopping me on one occasion each). But I want to see where this insane journey I'm on is going next, yet I keep eating shit I shouldn't. It's kind of like being in love with the Demon, I know all it brings is pain but I do it anyways. Everytime I try and get serious about giving my stomach time to heal I find myself sitting down with a plate full of stuff I know I shouldn't have. So the question from earlier still remains, How stupid can one person be?

In jokes

Ever have an IN joke? A joke that's just between you and one or more people? Or worse, been sitting there while others enjoy an in joke? Ever have to try and explain them to someone? Especially when they only made sense at the time? Well here's a few of mine, unexplained, for those who know:

Jumping Cow
Everybody was kung foo fighting
Mr. Sandman
Washing the Headboard
This is Nobby Nobs!
Rabid piranha mice
Glitter sidewalk
Lord of the not quite darkness
Great Googaly Moogaly
Wraping M's x-mas gifts
Back massages
Dop Dwee, Dop Dop Dop Dwee Dau
Randall Phlegm
Gansta Bitch Barbie
Fish pears clocks and polkadots
Muchas Smoochas!
Potatoy French Fries
Why is he wearing my girlfriend dress?
Ah wah twa!
Swedish meatballs, boingy boingy boingy
Oi Oi Oi I smell a hurt in here
Wasting away again down at Maria's house
Running through the meadows
Gigaty Gigaty
It's Snarting
Goat's go to heaven
Briden BACH!
Personilized flotation devices
Elvis archers
He's coming right at us!
Hitting the headboard
Grape lollipops
Escalator rides
Lizard kiss
Tickle Bugs
Shhh  Go Seep
Baby eating baby

I may add more later. If you don't know them, too bad. Somethings just shouldn't be explained. If you do know one or two, smile! Memories remain long after events have passed.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Here and back again

Well, one of my close friends who left a while back is returning. My little Jamacian is moving home from her stay in Oldfolkshome (aka, Florida). I don't know the whole story yet, but I'll be so glad to hug her again. It's kind of funny, in the last year or so the Demon, Ug, Roe Roe, and now Jamaca have returned from absences in my life. Now, yes, the Demon is gone again, and Ug has gone to east bumf*ck, but they were back at least. Maybe this is a good sign. Maybe it's just a thing. But I'll take what I can get. And what I can get is a hug. I love hugs. They rule (especially Katiehugs! Kathryn is a phenominal hugger and her hubby Pez boy is one lucky bastard, he gets one everytime he goes home). I also miss Heaven's hugs, she was fun to hug too. So is Babushka (she gets so happy when we hug it's cute), as well as most of my friends. But each hug is differant, and Jamaca's hug has been missed. So has her daughter, Ant. She is my little girl, no matter who her real dad is. And she would have made a great lion! So to hell with Director! Maybe someday all of my lost ones and ones far away will come home. That would make me happy.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Packed away

I've alwasy said I don't believe in being mad at the people I care about. I've lost too many people and have learned the hard way that time spent being mad at someone is time you can never get back. I bottle it up and put it somewhere in the back of my mind, usually never to see it again. Oh I get agrivated sometimes at people. Sometimes it's idiots on the road or customers at work. Sometimes it's the people I love, especially when they do stupid things. But I don't stay mad for long, and it's not like I get all worked up mad either. What worries me is that I never have a real release for all the anger that I bottle away. When I was younger I used to see a shrink (Hi Paul) and he told me that someday I was probably going to snap and all the feelings I put away would flood out and I would either end up hurting myself or someone else. But years have passed and no attacks yet. I know this internilization of bad feelings isn't good for me or my health, but after Meesha died I just couldn't understand wasting precious time with the people I love being mad at them. WHats the point. I used to tell the Demon that everything was fine no matter what happened and she would say I was lying, that she knew I had a bad day. But I told her I didn't want to waste my time with her thinking about the rest of the day, I just wanted to concentrate on being there with her. That's true of all of my friends. Why should I waste time thinking about bad sh*t when I should be happy to just be with them. So I lie about the depressions, I bottle up the anger, and I ignore the lonliness. I go on and on just trying to be happy and not let the rest show. Especially when it's one of my friends who are in trouble or down. I have to be the happy one, who else are they going to turn to? You can't cry to a sad person.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004


I've been collecting comics now since 1984. It used to be one of my favorite things to go to the comic store or find them in a flea maket or even go to a convetion. But latly I've found myself picking up the ones I get and not being excited in the least about them. It's become something I do just because I've done it for so long. Yet I'm not sure how to stop getting them. I even look for ones on E-Bay from time to time. I tell myself that once I've filled in a few holes in my collection I'll stop, but how many holes should I fill in? Will I be able to stop or will the fact that I've been doing ths for over 20 years keep me going back for more? Half the time I don't even orginize them anmore, I have quite a few stacked up in a pile that I keep saying I need to go through, but haven't. Part of me feels like I should keep getting them since it's almost like a little part of my childhood that I've held onto. Giving up would be like letting go of a part of myself. But when a hobby isn't fun anymore maybe it's time to let it go. Then there's the question of what to do with them. Sell them? Put them away for a future child that I don't plan on having? Store them away where they'll be forgotten? Give them away? Maybe I will finally stop soon. Or maye I'll find the love I once had for it again. Or maybe I'll just keep going out of some sense of this is just something I do. I just don't know.

Thursday, July 01, 2004


Funny thing, each day seems the same but I keep getting older. Things that seemed so damn important once fade into the past. All the things I do now will someday be just memories of then. It's the crulest joke the world plays, no matter how good or bad things may seem time doesn't stop. Eventually all our joys and pains will be lost in the past. Someday no one will know or care about my life. Even family don't carry on the memories. At best someday someone will do a family tree and wonder about that one odd name stuck in the middle. Pictures fade, memories fail. Tommarrow follows today no matter hwat happens to us. People die and it seems like the end of the world, love dies and we swear we can't go on. But the world doesn't care. No matter the tradgedy, or even the victory. My first girlfriend died and I can't even quite remember what she looked like anymore. I've been to so many funerals and weddings, but they are gone except for pictures. I've been in love and I've made love to people, but it's only in my mind now. I can sometimes remember being happy or depressed but it's hard to hold on to those feelings, and half the time most of what seemed so important then isn't now. Time's moved on and we go with it as far as we can. But even when we finally fall by the wayside it will continue it's journey without us. We age. Our friends age. Children age. Our families age. Someday we and all we care about will be gone and none will remember us. Our accomplishments and failures will not be important. All we have is now, and it moves so fast. Don't waste time. Never miss a chance to say you love someone. Don't hold a grudge. See the people who are important to you, hug them, spend what time you have with them. Someday it'll be gone and all we have will be dust. The future is not ours. All we have is now, and our memories of the past. When we go so do they.