All Saints Eve

Happy halloween everybody! It's funny, I love halloween but I don't dress up anymore. I love seeing others dress up though. I guess I'm just lazy. I hope everyone has a nice and spooky night. Be safe, and be scary!

Stolen idea from Brendragon.

Three things that scare you:
Large crowds
Being alone in life
Being useless

Three things you love:
My friedns and family
Sex
Reading

Three things you severely dislike:
Dogs
Being poor
Men who hit women

Three things in your bedroom:
Lots of pictures
Gobo from Fraggle Rock
Pweter statue of the Discworld

Three random facts about you:
I rule at watching others play video games
I miss my long hair
I love the movie Princess Bride

Three things you plan to do before you die:
Get a good nights rest
See Loch Ness
Tell everyone I love that I love them

Three things you can do:
Pick up the back of a car
Juggle
Give great hugs

Three things you can't do:
Give up on a friend
Stop being parinoid
Give on the Demon

4 years and forever to go

BM has now been married to the lovely Hottie for 4 years and running. I have had the pleasure to watch them go from friends to dating to the happiest married couple I've ever seen. I was there at thier wedding and I've rarely seen two people so excited to be together. Now with little C (or as the Rev. Mad Duck calls him: Cakeboy) they seem like the true representation of the American Dream. Kind of wierd considering that thier house is decorated for halloween year round. But sometimes it's good to see love work just the way the storybooks tell us it should. It's nice when your own dreams don't seem to work to see someone you care about find thiers. Congrats you two, I love you.
Now start thinking about what bad horror movie were going to watch this Tues.

Good movies.

ZOMBIES EATING PEOPLE! Just watched the remake of Dawn of the Dead, unrated version. It was good. I think they've done a justice to the origional. Oddly enough I agree with the Rev. Mad Duck that Shaun of the Dead was a great movie too, also worth watching. Theres just something fun about Zombies eating people. I love horror movies, books, stories, ect. Idon't aprove of violence in real life, but I'm one of those wonderful people who actually can tell the differance between reality and fantasy (except when it comes to the Demon.). In movies, everybody dies! If you havent seen it I highly recomend the movies. Just the first zombie you see (the little girl) is freaky enough and worth the price of the rental. Trust me.

Dreams

Had another of my fun dreams. But this one was at least a little differant. I died (like I seem to do in most of my dreams), but this time everyone seemed sad about it. Normally either everyone laughs or nobody comes. This time almost everyone was there and they all came to the coffin and said thier farewells. Some of them were:
My little Sis and her hubby said they were thankful that I always had faith in them even when they didn't.
Babushka said I was the best friend she ever had.
Jill said she was sorry for how things turned out, but that she had given me as much of herself as she could due to what happened to her.
Isis said she was always glad to have me in her life, I made the bad times good and the good times better.
BM and family said horror movies would never feel the same.
Heaven told me she was sorry our friendship had wained over the last two years.
There were others, but I don't quite remember what they all said. (I wrote some of the dream down when I woke up but most of it faded fast. Not entirely gone, just fuzzy and indistinct). Then just as things started to go dark, Meesha came up to my coffin and told me it was time to go. I got up and took her hand and walked through everyone as they cried at my coffin. we went outside, walking through the door, and watched the sun set. Then I woke up.
Maybe this is the start of a change. Maybe I might finally stop having such evil and depressing dreams. I can hope.

What doesn't kill us

I knew there'd be some lonely's commin on,
But I never thought that I'd live this long

There have been many times I really should have died,
But somehow I survived all my mistakes,
They say it makes me stronger,
but then why does it take longer,
Gettin up these days

Yea I'm old enough to have a few regrets,
I'm still young enough to have my dreams,

Montgomery Gentry 'Live this Long'

Useless Questions

The guy I work with spent about an hour today asking me questions about the Demon. I went from a so-so mood to a depressed one after about the first 2 minuetes or so. Then to top it off I had to help a friend of mine drive some stuff to a storage unit in West Haven, right past the Demon's work. What fun. It took every last bit of strength I had not to stop. I didn't even look in cause if I saw her I might stop. Time to go have another cold shower. But this one I won't complain about. It'll take my mind off things (I hope.).

Ice

No heat, no hot water for 3 days. Being cold sucks. I used to be able to ignore the cold, but running cold water over your body while trying to shower hurts. Funny I always thought cold showers were something only horny people took. I wish I was horny when I take them, it might keep my blood up so it wouldn't be quite so bad. Brrrrrrr......

Mirror

I took a shower at my aunt's ouse today, she has a big mirror opposite theshower and as I was getting out I saw myself. Dear gods I've let myself go. I'm not obese yet, but I'm larger than I've ever been in my life. I think the time has come to do something about this. I normally don't let my weight bother me, but I've aways said there's a limit. the funny thing is there have been several times over the last year when I was supposed to start excersizing. The Demon and I were going to start going for walks in the spring. My lil Sis and I were going to go for walks when her foot healed (which it has been for a while now). I was going to go to my mall early to go for walks with Brenenenena. Before she had Cam I was going to go with Heaven. I was going to join the Middletown YMCA with Isis (although I hadn't told her this) and go with her twice a week. But all of these plans fell through. Maybe I need to stop waiting on others and just go excercise myself. I know I'm afraid that alone I'll loose the urge to keep it up, but at least it would be a start. Maybe I could find someone to go with once there. But I need to do something before this gets really out of control. To hell with my bad back, knee, and ribs. I've got to get myself back into a shape other than round. I'm starting to look like Buddah in more than just my jokes. A diet, some excersize, stop eating out so much, I can do this I..... Hold on.
Ohhh, my cousin just invited me to go to Jalepeno Heaven! They are a good mexican restaraunt that makes these great little jalepeno cheese balls and awsome enchiladas! I love them... Maybe I'll start dieting tomarrow.

Goodbye Mr. King

I have finished the Dark Tower. The last book was good (well, I liked it anyways). I would recomend the series to anyone. Thank you Mr. King for all the years of scares. It has been a pleasure to walk the path with you.

Lyrics

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

'Hurt' by NIN, resung by Johnny Cash.

Taking a walk

Meeting my brother while standing outside on my first day of Nursery school. Riding my green machine down the street with Rick. Seeing our 'new' house for the first time. Dancing around the living room with my sisters. Playing soccer in the backyard with my dad. Racing matchbox cars down my driveway. Going swimming in Canada. Going out trick or treating with my sister and her friends. Giving my little cousins airplane spins at my Aunts house. Standing my He-Men figures up on our pool table and the shooting them down with domino's. Hiding Star Wars figures around at my cousins house. Playing D&D. Discussing comics over beer and pot at Rob's house. Walking around New Haven with the old crew. Dying Easter eggs. Late night drinking party's at Middlesex's parking lot. Chasing Meg around the hallways (watching her bounce). Listening to 'Here comes the sun' all night till daybreak. Hanging with the Metal-Heads. Seeing Wierd-Al in concert. Kissing MMM. Playing street football with the kids up the street. Sitting in the Camel Tree. Walking through the woods with Rick. Tracing with Dave while listening to Little Shop of Horror. Remidial gym class during Vietnam. Walking the trolly tracks barefoot (damn tar!). Having Isis ask me for a kiss. Going to the movies with Jill. Playing vollyball instead of going to class. Driving backwards down West Haven's main street. Ice skating down the hill. Hiding my little Sis from Inspector Gadget. Being Kelly's excuse. Calling my little sis every day. Flirting with Heaven. Watching Vampires acted out with EFFXB. Playing Mission Impossible with Mrs. BM and Midget in Bradlees. Playing Techmo Bowl every night. Playing Olympics on Computer with Dave and Va. Sleeping over with Boston. Living with Isis and helping to raise Ant. Having my shoes called yahts. Taking out 13 people while roller skating. Visiting Brendragon in Mass. Watching Christy's face when told about an electric mouse. Late nights on the beach. Sunday's at J$'s. Gombah's parties. Seeing Kell's Bells naked more than I've seen any of my girlfriends. Kissing Jill for the first time. Holding my nephew Psycho Baby for the first time (wouldn't stop crying). Playing He-man all these years later with my nephew Nick. Teaching Jill to drive. Watching all three of my sister's getting married. Seeing Mr. and Mrs. BM kiss for the first time (officially). The night when Heaven leaned over and kissed me. Tag Saleing with Marie. Meeting Babushka. Having her loose my number over and over again. Listening to my Gandpa sing silly limerics. Dancing with Jill at keroke. Having Heaven help me with insurance. Watching my cousin Dave drive a motorcycle. Holding Kelly while she cried. Going apple picking with the Mitchells. Helping my little sister move, over and over and over and over again. Hydroplaneing in the Ghost Ship. Phils book of poetry. Ugs book of poetry. Isis's book of poetry. Stealing comics with Ogre. Playing Magic with Ug (from boxes of 1000 cards as decks). Going for Freak trips. Preacher night in Boston. Dodging rabid pirona mice. Getting to know my lost cousins. Going cleaning with Jan. The night Heaven couldn't stop smiling at me. Voices for video games. Final Fantasy 3. Jumping cows. Tickling Babushka. Playing Twisted Metal 2. Watching bad horror movies with the K&B toystore. 10,000 empty Foxon Park bottles. Smoking cigars at the end of Florshiem. Eating at Creative Cusine. Hearing Jill say she loves me (even if it was a lie). The arrival of little C. Isis back from old peoples land. Meeting Karen and Debbie at H&D. Purple wearing Orange. Reading Stephen King. Reading Terry Pratchett. Reading Clive Cussler. Reading Garfield. Babushka jumping me for a kiss. Going to the New York Comic-Con with Midget and Shaun. Watching PPv's at Bill's house. Hugging my neice. Hugging my other niece. Being called Uncle Jeff. Being called Buttons. Seeing the Souless Child fall in love. Watching my Dad become sober. Dancing with my Nanie. Reading to Babushka and to Isis. Meeting Eileen and Denise at Zales.
Welcome to my Memory Lane.

Not bad or good, just news.

The Demon has gotten engaged. I wish her well. I hope she is happy (and no, I'm not being sarcastic.). I had a bad night when I first heard, I got drunk like I was in collage. But I think I'm mostly ok (of course I'll still have my depressed moments. But I have them anyways, this just gives them a purpose.). Part of me knows she's never comming back, that this last time was just a kind of farewell thing, but part of me will go on hoping anyways. I'm stupid like that, some dreams won't die. This isn't the first time she's been engaged and it may mean nothing, but it still hurts. Oh well, life goes on and I go on with it. Good luck my little Jill.

a Simple Save

Amazing what a simple phone call can do. 11 years is not over yet. Maybe, just maybe love and fiendship can last forever. I may yet kill the problem there, but I have not lost a friend just yet. More memories yet to come.

Poem

The Demon of the Gibbet
byFitz-James O'Brien

There was no west, there was no east,
No star abroad for eyes to see;
And Norman spurred his jaded beast
Hard by the terrible gallows-tree.

"O, Norman, haste across this waste,—
For something seems to follow me!"
"Cheer up, dear Maud, for, thanked be God,
We nigh have passed the gallows tree!"

He kissed her lip: then—spur and whip!
And fast they fled across the lea.
But vain the heel, the rowel steel,—
For something leaped from the gallows-tree!

"Give me your cloak, your knightly cloak,
That wrapped you oft beyond the sea!
The wind is bold, my bones are old,
And I am cold on the gallows-tree!"

"O holy God! O dearest Maud,
Quick, quick, some prayers—the best that be!
A bony hand my neck has spanned,
And tears my knightly cloak from me!"

"Give me your wine,—the red, red wine,
That in a flask hangs by your knee!
Ten summers burst on me accurst,
And I am athirst on the gallows-tree!"

"O Maud, my life, my loving wife!
Have you no prayer to set us free?
My belt unclasps,—a demon grasps,
And drags my wine-flask from my knee!"

"Give me your bride, your bonnie bride,
That left her nest with you to flee!
O she hath flown to be my own,
For I'm alone on the gallows-tree!"

"Cling closer, Maud, and trust in God!
Cling close!—Ah, heaven, she slips from me!"
A prayer, a groan, and he alone
Rode on that night from the gallows-tree.

Could it be?

Could it be?
11 years ends in silence. In a car ride where no word is spoken. All words hollow and empty. Scars from the last ones left unhealed (i'm not jill so i'm not good enough right?)(no matter how you lie to yourself or everyone else you can't change what he did). It ends with a bag of books in the back seat I'll never read. With 2 DvD's unwatched. The sound of a trunk closing. No hug given, the ghost of 2 kisses never to be born. It ends with the tears running down my face not relieving the pain but blurring the drive in front of me. Stopping to throw up beside the road. Bile ands blood mixes with hamberg and fries. My ulcer screaming at me, telling me I was a fool for believing I could escape it. Part of my heart lost, part of my soul dies. It ends with me repeatedly puching a tree in my cousins yard untill my hand bleeds. The anger I've spent a liftime burying fights its way to the surface. All the memories of laughter and smiles and hugs and love and lovemaking fade into the darkness within. It ends with me writing in this blog as if somehow it could erase this all, help make it not be. I sink into the depression that has stayed with me through the years like a scar, the light dimming as it closes over me. I stare at a bottle, looking to find oblivion. An escape from this, from all. To forget somehow that nothing lasts forever. Not life, not friendship, not love. Promises left behind as broken words. I fear the dreams that will come tonight. I fear the day that will follow. I fear the loss of my friend.
Could it be?
11 years ends in silence.

Hole in my Head

The tooth fell out. I have a hole in my head. Still have to wait for insurace to see a dentist. This should be interesting.

Getting too old

Does there come a time when you start to realize that you can't do the things you used to. A point where my body and soul just don't have it in them anymore. I've spent so much of my life being a white knight to so many people. When does it get to the point where I fall apart. I am slowing down. My ulcer may be gone and I'm scared of it coming back. I know several people who are getting themselves into situations that I know will be bad and that they'll turn to me eventually (notice how you can see so plainly when someone else is setting themselves up to get hurt but are oblivious when it's you?) and I'm not sure I have it in me to help carry them through the pain anymore. I emphasize with them too much when I listen to thier problems, but what happens when they are the type of person who just keeps doing what they know is wrong again and again. I try not to hold it against them, after all these years of the Demon I am one of those people, but I'm hurting enough from what I do to myself, I'm not sure I have what it takes anymore to help carry thier folly's as well. But I don't know how to stop or let go. I don't know how to tell someone I care about I just can't anymore. I've spent my life being useful when the sh*t hits the fan and letting everyone know I'm someone they can take for granted because I'll always be there. But it's killing me and I'm tired from the pain. The old promise was "save them all or die trying" and I've never broken a promise (I do my best never to make them in the first place, but when I do....). But I feel so damn old sometimes. Worn out. Thin (not wieght wise, unfortunatly). I'm just getting too old for this sh*t.

Insurance

I've cracked my back right lower molar. Not going to explain how (might get me in trouble). I have another month and a half before I get insurance again. This is going to be interesting. I might make it if I can get my tongue to stop touching it. Damn traitorous tongue.

Spoiler 2

So falls Randall Flagg and Eddie Dean and Jake Chambers. Three more old friends lie dead on the path to the Dark Tower. Randall Flagg was the villian from The Stand as well as Eyes of the Dragon, and has been a thorn in Rolands side since he was small. In the end it was not a hero who felled this old villian, but another villian. Perhaps it's poetic justice. Eddie Dean fell due to Rolands own mistake, his arthritis caused his hand to waver while shooting and instead of killing an opponant he only wonded him, allowing him to end the life of the last of the Dean brothers. As for Jake...He fell to save the world. Perhaps a fitting end to a boy who had already died once before. In epitaph to him as spoken by Roland:

Time flies, knells call, life passes, so hear my prayer
Birth is nothing but death begun, so hear my prayer
Death is speechless, so hear my speech
This is Jake, who served his ka and his tet. say true
May the forgiving glance of S'mana heal his heart, say please
May the arms of Gan raise him from the darkness of the earth, say please
Surround him, Gan, with light
Fill him, Chloe, with strength
If he is thirsty, give him water in the clearing
If he is hungry, give him food in the clearing
May his life on this earthand the pain of his passing
Become as a dream to his waking soul
and let his eyes fall upon every lovely sight
Let him find friends that were lost to him
Let everyone whose name he calls call his in return
This is Jake, who lived well, loved his own, and died as ka would have it
Each man owes a death. This is Jake. Give him peace.

Farwell to all of these friends (even Randall in his own way) and fellow travellors on the road. May they find happiness at the clearing at the end of the path.

Ongoing Spoiler

If you plan on reading the Dark Tower books by Stephen King DON'T READ THIS BLOG!

In 1975 in a little town called Salem's Lot a priest named father Perre Calahan lost his faith. He tried to stand toe to toe with a vampire and all he had was his faith in God and a crusifix as a weapon. But when challenged to throw away the cross and face the vampire faith vs. evil he couldn't do it. He ended up falling before the vampire and running away. He borded a bus and dissapeared. Until now. In 2004 Perre Callahan was given a chance at redemption. He joined up with a small band out to save the world. When the time came he once again faced the same evil that defeated him and destroyed his faith back in '75. I was there with him when he fell back then. I remember being sad that this good man didn't have the faith both in himself and his god to fight for what he knew was right. To see him standing there once again, was like watching an old friend face thier fears. This time father Callahan put his cross away and stood against the tide of evil with his heart and faith inside him, not trapped inside a symbol. He allowed the group he was with to continue on thier quest even though it cost him his life. He stood true and died true. After all these years he redeemed himself. He made me proud.
I realize he is just a charector in a book. He was created by Mr. King and all that happens to him and the others is just make belive. But still in some part of me, a boy who was saddened when reading about father Callahan's faillings so many years ago, it was nice to read about him once again, getting a second chance and this time being the man I thought he could have been long ago. Once again Steven made suspend belief and engross myself in his book, as he has done so many times. Thanks Stephen. And good job Perre, you kicked a**.

Canuk Turkeys

Well, it's Canadian Thanksgiving today. Time for turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce and mashed potatoes and gravy and rolls. I would like to give thanks to all of the people in my life: my friends, family, my extended family, co-workers ect. To all the people who have made me laugh or helped me to stop crying. To the women who have shared my bed (Whoo-Hoo!)and the men who have shared a beer (Cheers!) and to everyone who have shared a hug (Awwww). To those I get to see and those who are only phone calls and e-mails. My thanks to you all. Special thanks to all of those who have put up with some of my reacurring phobias and worries and self inflicted pain. Also to all those poor souls who've nicely stood still for my fascination with photographs. To those who are sick of hearing about the Demon but listen anyways. To those who've recieved my late night drunken phone calls. To those I've tickled. To eveyone who's read through one of my endless e-mails. To the recipients of lizard kisses. To everyone who reads these oddball blogs. Thanks.

Is there anybody out there?

I think there are only three to five people who actually read this. Maybe I should just go back to my huge groupe e-mails. At least then I just figured no one wanted to respond, but could lie about them reading it. So many friends, so many on comps, but guess I'm just not all that interesting. But I will keep going for the sake of you few who are out there.

Good bad or mediocre

Life continues moving faster than I can process. I have several people who arnt doing good but I don't know how to help them. I have other doing great, but no time to help them celebrate. I'm so busy I don't even know how I'm doing. No time to think. I'm beyond broke, another week to go before a paycheck. I'm having a hard time finding time. Just keep moving and hope things turn out for the best. When faced with difficult decisions do nothing till there's only one choice left. It's only important once it's a crisis. If I had the time I'd be worried, wait I already am.

Long road and sad eyes

Well, yesterday I bought the seventh and last of the Dark Tower books by Stephen King (entitled The Dark Tower, apropriatly enough). I first found the Dark Tower series in high school my junior year (oddly the same year I met the Demon). A good friend of mine introduced me to them and we swaped books when he had the first and I had the second. I loved King before I'd found this particular series, I just hadn't come across them before. It was the first time Stephen had done anything that continued past one book. It's now been 15 years since I opened 'The Gunslinger" which was the first of the series, and it's been a long and often scarey road we've traveled together. Now here I am and Mr. King is retiring and I feel sad to have reached the clearing at the end of the path with him. I'm almost afraid to start reading it because it kind of represents almost a saying goodbye to an old friend to me. For so many years I have enjoyed Stephen's stories. They are like bookmarks of my life. If I knew how, I'd like to write him and thank him for all the memories and smiles and yes even a few sleepless nights over the years. I still have other writers who I follow (Clive Cussler is a great adventure writer and Terry Pratchett has a new book due out this month - Postal Service- which I am quite looking forward to). But in the begining, when I first picked up books and learned that not all friends were people or animals, it was Jim Davis (Garfield) and Stephen King that I found. I wish Mr. King all the best in life and hope that from time to time he might still get the urge to put pen to paper (or fingers to keypad) and I will welcome him back like the old friend he is. But for now it must be.... oh hell, I can't say it. Let's just leave it at see you next time. I can at least lie to myself.

More lyrics, just because

Sometimes I'm tired
Sometimes I'm shot
Sometimes I don't know how much more I've got
Maybe I'm headed
Over the hill
Maybe I've set myself up for the kill
Tell me how much do you think you can take
Until the heart in you is starting to break?
Sometimes it feels like it will

Darling I don't know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain't no in-betweens
You can be sure when I'm goneI won't be out there too long
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Out of the darkness
Into the light
Leaving the scene of the crime
Either I'm wrong or I'm perfectly right every time
Sometimes I lie awake, night after night
Coming apart at the seams
Eager to please, ready to fight
Why do I go to extremes?

And if I stand or I fall
It's all or nothing at all
Darling I don't know why I go to extremes

Billy Joel ' I go to extremes'

Haven't we all felt this way sometimes. Lower you head and charge. If we're right we'll prove it to them all. If we're wrong then we're going to be as wrong as we can possibly be!

Lyrics and Hope

Here’s to the strong
Thanks to the brave
Don’t give up hope
Some people change

Against all odds
Against the grain
Love finds a way
Some people change

Thank god for those who make it
Let them be the light…

Kenny Chesney 'Some people change'

I used to beleve that people never changed. Now I believe that they can, it just takes something major to make them do so. A death, a birth, love, something huge must happen for people to change who they are or what the believe or how they think. But it can happen. One girl I know went from a drug addicted slut (sorry, I love her but it's the only word that describes her) to a wife, mother, and homebody who's trying to get a mortgage for a house. So maybe there's hope for us all. I have to believe I guess. It's always been one of my strong suits, believing in people when nobody else would. I've stood by people when even thier family's or loved ones have given up on them. I'm not always right, but I do my best to be there even if I can't help- just so they know somebody does believe in them. It's part of the reason (although not all of it) I let people who've hurt me back into my life (aka. the Demon as well as a few others). Sometimes they prove me right. Now all I need to do is find a way to believe in myself.